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Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Bronzer McTwat Occupies Wong Street
Livin’ the dream, one off-shore tax shelter at a time.
Monday, April 23, 2012Douchewanks Say What?
Oldbag Ralph Scores Dreamgirl Donna
Who says chin-dribble, douche-shirt, and six pound watch can’t snag uberhottness for the 40+ set?
The Baby Tebus just soiled his diaper with shame and regret over the poor life choices made by hot taut boobie hottie suckle thighs after too many appletinis on a Tuesday.
Monday, April 23, 2012The Punch Brothers Score Over Their Paygrade
Lets start off this week with a little Punch Brother Twin Doucheface action.
Angelica and her sexy mom, Sexy Mom Suzie, have clearly stumbled into the wrong club after their car hit a water buffalo.
This whole scene’ll end with some technicolor dream sequence dubstep masshup of The Gardens of the Fitzi-Continis.
Yup. Too much sugar with my corn flakes this morning. Please excuse the nonsense.
Monday, April 23, 2012HCwDB of the Week: Aqua Vulva and British Sexy Sophia
How’s about we get a lil’ country AND western mock all up in this place?
Ya hear?
Countrybags get short shrift these days. But as Blake Shelton Zombie Eyes tells us, they ain’t no non-douche to be reckoned with, by which I mean they is.
And sheeeeoootttt, that fine filly British Sexy Sophia sure done make me want to have hominy grits and carry a gun so I feel important!
Okay, I’ll stop with the country textology.
But they’s the first Weekly off our new album.
The DB1’s hamper is filling up with pooper pics. And a glorious Monday it be.
Sunday, April 22, 2012Hot Chicks Something Something
Here’s another entry in the Rebecca Black irono-sweepstakes. It’s both annoying and depressing.
Fuggit. Sorry about this one.
Have some Sexy Granny Undies Pear as my apology for such mediocre Sunday entertainment.
Saturday, April 21, 2012Comment of the Week: Mr. Scrotato Head
Mr. Scrotato Head ponders the high crimes of cornrows in the A Crime is About to be Committed Thread and wins the coveted HCwDB Comment of the Week:
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That’s the same look he gives you when you tell him the Chili’s signature spinach dip is cold.
.
God! Why does life keep kicking him in the nuts?! He’s good looking. He works out. He pours his paychecks into fine clothes and clubbing. Sure, he’s two months behind on his Nissan payments. Sure, he’s using one credit card to pay off the other. Sure, he only made it through half a semester at Santa Clara Community college, but seriously, introductory math is hard! Sure, it burns when he pees and the explosive diarrhea makes him dizzy. And sure, having to move back in with mom and the step douche is no fun, but his roommates could only give him so many passes on the rent.
.
Maybe, just maybe, if he puts his hair in corn rows, things will change. YEAH! That’s it! ‘Cuz nothing stops the nut busting better than winning some hot strange while the collections calls pile up in voicemail.
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Friday, April 20, 2012Friday Thoughts and Links
Tonguetwats.
Still out there.
Still ruining pics of raver girls who haven’t learned the life lessons that will switch their major from drama to pre-med.
Glorious, glorious holy Cleavite…. praise Tebus for dying on the Football field for our sins…
Your humble narrator Tweets an electric toot across the virtual landscape of Los Angeles scrub suck.
All is well in the nooning hour.
All is well, she said.
And then I had to pay.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “By the power of Greyskull!”
The douchiest thing you’ll see all week: RoboBros.
Still not convinced Semitic Hotts are the finest of all the ethnic subdivisions of the hott hierarchies? I give you exhibit #521: Rafaeli Hott.
“The Royal Lifestyle.” Smells like asschoad and petunias.
Douchey Cell-Phone Self Portraits: Now for Professional Hockey Players.
The Bleeth is a ‘Bag of Trouble (vintage style)
Hangover Heaven. Cures your hangover while turning you into a douchebag.
Want to giggle at something stupid this weekend like you’re twelve years old again?: Funny Restaurant Names. “Hitler’s Cross”?!
Predator: The Musical. Makes life worth living.
However, the DB1’s sanity hangs by a thread.
Uberblogger Andrew Sullivan muses on why men’s fashion is so straight. My guess: Because it took a wrong turn at Albuquerque.
Okay, you’ve earned it. Here’s your Pear:
But soft! It is the East! And Juliette is a Butt Globby Globb!
Friday, April 20, 2012Ask DB1: Realtorbags
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DB1,
So the other evening whilst I was harmlessly robot dancing to myself in the shower it occurred to me are there careers that are douchey or more appropriately careers that are douche signifiers?
I mean we all have to make a living right?
But it occurred to me douches seem to gravitate to certain careers. Usually ones associated with quick easy money, vanity and a veneer of psuedo-celebrity attached to it or something. Jobs where they can believe they are a master of the universe when really they’re just a peon to a much bigger fish (DJing, Club promoting, personal training and to a degree finance).
So I remembered that most people I’ve encountered working in real estate or have ever had to deal with in real estate were arrogant douchebags with an over developed sense of self-worth and importance. They usually drove the gaudiest model of luxury or sports car they could find with some kind of stupid slogan spelled out on thier vanity license plates and wore the tackiest, flashy clothes they could find.
Here’s a real estate scammer bag that appeared on A and E’s “Flip this House” turning the art of real estate scamming and cheaply fixing up crappy houses to unload to willing suckers into a reality show.
For some of his greatest hits google Armando Montelongo.
Regards,
Capt. James T. Douche
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This brings up an important addendum to the Rockstar Leniency Rule. No exemption for reality TV show hosts.
None.
Friday, April 20, 2012Friday Haiku
New movie being shot,
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Pear,
Director calls, “pooch!”
This is the only
tiger that Siegfried and Roy
would be afraid of.
— Douche Wayne
Modern Art eats my
Mind. My mind wants to eat the
Modern Art. Mother?
— The Reverend Chad Kroeger
I am not quite sure
How to ask this question now
but tiger’s tongue, where?
— Master Pee
It puts the whiskers
Horror film or comedy?
Hose again. Skin hose.
— The Reverend Chad Kroeger
^Damn you, Reverend…I can’t stop laughing… -DarkSock
If this faux tiger
Sticks out its tongue or roars
That’s it, I’m leaving
— saulgoode42
This is the first time
A wild animal has
Given me boners
— Doucheywallnuts
