Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Where's "Pukofsky the Sidekick"?

Somewhere in this pic of Rich McPudd and his Paid-to-Go-To-Dinner-And-Have-His-Kids hott, Kimberly, I’ve carefully hidden Pukuofsky the Sidekick.

Look closely.

We all had one in college.

No one actually is Pukofsky the Sidekick. We all just know one.

Can you find him?

Bonus points for funding Mildly Confused Manny.

"Yo Quero Taco Boob?"

Because dated references to mid 2000s advertising slogans are what passes for creativity with the DB1 these days.

Time to call in the SuperBros.

Yech.

Lets counter that with Champagne Katie and a Bunny.

Ahhhh… much better.

Caption This Pic

“Leitmotif,” a small experimental theater troupe from Glasgow, Scotland, found a little success when recreating a rare version of the Garden of Eden story as depicted in a Gnostic Scroll found in a cave in Jerusalem in 1923.

Try #2:

Danny and Carla both discovered they like to deep-throat bananas.

Yeah, that’s better.

Reader Mail: Report from Douche Mecca

Capt. James T. Douche beams in with a report from Douche Mecca:

———

Hey DB1,

Capt. James T. Douche

——–

Real-world first person tagging is no easy thing, CJTD, so your work is well appreciated. Vegas is filthy fun, and the douchebags with hot chicks both make the city what it is, and need to be fumigated with late 1980s Agent Orange.

May all of your giggle hotties have been drunk, and may your Aces have been split. Wait, that sounds vaguely inappropriate.

Breaking: Some Asian Hottie I've never heard of named Brenda Song is Dating Rocker Pudscrape

“Brenda Song” is her name. Douchescrape dating is her game.

Ask DB1: Condoms and Scrotums

———–

Hey DB1,

Musicfanatic

———–

Douchey condoms are plentiful, and can be identified through three central characteristics:

1. The promise of “enhanced” anything (pleasure, size, stamina, etc.). Condoms are for one thing, and one thing only — preventing the XX and the XY from commingling long enough to drain your bank account for the next 25 years while complaining that you’re an emotionally dysfunctional failure.

2. Idiotic naming that refers to anyone from Greek, Roman, Norse, or Native American mythology, with the exceptions of Trojans and Ramses for longevity in service of babylessness.

3. Any scented or colored anything.

All those that fall into these categories are Condombags. The rest are excused.

The Blow Up 'Bag

David Hemmings Face is no excuse for Eurobritbaggery in presence of All-American Cheerleader Angelica, Ian.

Your hair is French New Wave Godardian art cinema fail. It’s Neorealist Avant-gardian douchal echo is a pomo boho sample pack of retroactive asshackery.

So put that in your pipe and smoke it.

With posts as literary as this, it’s hard for me to believe I’m losing the masses to sites like The Dirty and Is Anyone Up.

Mister Asswhifster Likes Asian Girls

Sunglasses at night and powdered rhino penis anti-aging creme scratch but the surface of the lengths Mister Asswhisfter goes to stay fifty.

Next up:A car elevator in his La Jolla summer home.

Aqua Vulva Got Game

Douchelockets and stupidface may attach British Sexy Sophia into your Old Spice orbit, Aqua Vulva, but that don’t make you not a countrydouche poseur shoescrape.

Yeah.

Beat that sentence, Young Sexy Stephen Hawking With Game.

Ever since creepy-eyed Blake Shelton “crossed over” on that show The Voice, a plethora of Countrybags have rained down on smoggy Los Angeles like a pestilent plague of frogs.

Plague Frogs that sing about how they miss their small hometown, but they’ll go back there some day, and the local diner juke box played Patsy Cline, and Jews killed their God, and them Mexicans need to be shot, ‘yall, because that’s how ‘Merica is!

At least, that’s what it sounds like they’re saying when I listen to it.

Seriously. Look at Blake Shelton’s eyes. They’re like some mutant android Doctor Who alien spore taking over the body of Nurse Ratched before producing a plastic Talking Tina to take out Telly Savalas on the stairs.

Or something like that.

Yup, I’m having way too much fun with links on my first day back.

Mogootoo says, "Gloooooo"

Uh oh.

This week isn’t off to a good start.

Although, from a pure douchemock perspective, I suppose it is.