Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Guppyhead Swims the English Chanelle

Way back in the halcyon days of HCwDB, we featured the Douchey Award winning The Blowfish. Tiny mouth. Creepy facial hair. Tasty hotts. Enormous douchefactor.

Here I decree the Guppyhead.

Count up the ‘bag factors: Creepy fishmouth. Faux. White sunglasses in shorts. ‘Roid addiction.

Then there’s English Chanelle. Curvy. Untatted. Slightly insecure about her looks. Maybe not A level hott, but more than making up for it by resisting the Guppy’s embrace. I’m going with it. She’s sorts of room service wrongness that’s oh so right. I slap a barnacle on a steamboat, and pinch a boobuous butt fondle in the snowflake sunshine of slappy slapp.

Esoteric Wednesday: Dancing Fish

Fish.

HCwDB of the Month: Orangudan and Vegas Kim

In the end, there’s no beating orange ‘roided tattpocalypse, whitehead, douche everything, idiocracy in presence of sexy Quartasian Vegas funbouncery.

The voters speak:

Magnum Douche P.I.: Orangudan if only for horrible tatts and the sheer size of his HGH enlarged cranium, but yet there is so much more. Vegas Kim does not appear to be fully bleethed, there is hope for her. If a couple more pictures of these two surface, I do believe they can compete for a 2012 Douchie.

I R A Darth Aggie: I scrolled down, but stopped at Orangudung. He is the clear loser. Vegas Kim is a clear hott. So are the other lovelies in this monthly, but the stench that is Orangudung is over powering.

Dude McCrudeshoes: Orangudan for teaching us that the trapezius bone is connected to the enlarged cranium bone. Remember, kids, keep your body orange and your scalp shiny white. If you don’t look like a creamsicle, you are doing it wrong.

CB Popped: Orangutan is making me want to rip my eyeballs out, and Vegas chick is a sleeper cutie. Orangutan, done.

troy tempest: Orangudan FTL. Eventually, the beer and burgers will get to him, and he’ll have to lay off the roids if he has any hope of keeping his undercarriage hung at a size greater than squirrel. When that happens, he’ll be in with the likes of Cro Bagnon (bless his retarded soul) and then he’ll get a desk job and turn to flab. Oozing into his seersucker suit, a thought will float to the top of the vomit tank that he calls his brain, and it will be “GROOOOO”.

ehcuodouche: Didn’t we learn anything from Barry Bonds?

Hermit: His oily skin exudes a constant trickle of horse steroids, insecurity and Bud Lite Lime, staining his nylon shorts and coagulating between his wrist and watchband. He will fight a lifetime losing battle with STD’s and sagging breasts.

Charles Douchewin: The Orangudan has distorted reality, (and Kim) around himself – much like space-time – to become tough to look at, and even tougher to comprehend. Does that tattoo say compost?

It was an orangeslide, but The Bishop and Homegrown Hannah did get some support:

Et tu, Douche?: he Bishop and Homegrown Hannah’s B( . )( . )B’s FTW. And by for the win I mean those jugs have fun written all over them preferably with my man spackle.

Douche Springsteen: I’m a big fan of the Girl Next Door With Huge Cans thing.

John Largeman’s Cheeseburger: I just noticed in the The Bishop and Homegrown Hannah pic that the sign in the background says Pearl. I bet those glorious TaTas would look good with a long dangling Pearl Necklace.

The mockworthy Aqua Vulva and A+ level hott British Sexy Sophia didn’t get too many votes, nor did The Voguegina and Furry Amanda. Both are toxic HCwDB, but when competing with funbags or Orangeturd, it t’was no compete a’tall. I’m talking British. I don’t know why. Lets let Capt. James T. Douche take us home:

my vote goes to the Orangudan and Vegas Kim, they give you the most douche for your buck. Radioactive/liver failure orange skin, dalmation tattoos, a fuggin’ pterodactyl holding a shield, phrase tat on the gut, semi-roided up frame, aggressive posturing, a wrist watch the size of the clock from Back to The Future, Vegas pool party, refillable cup with watered down overpriced drinks, artificially inflated cans, lower lip skid mark, the list goes on like the digits of Pi.

Reader Mail: "Get Your Weekly Dose"

Choad the Douche Sprocket writes in with a lament from Vegas:

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Dear DB1:

– Choad the Douche Sprocket

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“Stupidity is a Relentless Foe” should be my epitaph, good work CtDS.

However, the “Get your weekly dose” jokes just kinda write themselves.

Steve…

Yeah, I really need to get out more.

Twenty Minutes Past "Last Call"…

As W.H. Auden once wrote:

When the herpster glasses are aqua,

And the drunken young maiden yells “woo!”…

Jack Largeman and Paid-to-Reveal Kourtney Voted in the HCwDB of the Month

In a related story: Jewschbags. Or, to paraphrase Hannah Arendt, The Banality of Weevils.

HCwDB of the Month

This is a tough one. Think hard. Drink Night Train. Eat a HoHo. Then bring it.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Aqua Vulva and British Sexy Sophia

Country doucherstars don’t make it that far that often here at HCwDB.

Aqua Vulva is an exception. For his is all that is wretched in the post Blake Shelton universe we call “Can you Dance With a Voice Idol?”

For his is the network spectacle of assface.

Hers are the curvy doe eyes of expensive first dates and overpriced Mai Tais.

Notice the locket necklace and shaved chest, and then punch a ferret in the nadsack.

Stare into British Sexy Sophia’s beckoning blues. Dive into her corneal waters in the hoped-for imagined spheres of alternative universes of global peace and harmony butt slapple.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: The Bishop and Homegrown Hannah

Chesshead.

Not acceptable.

Welly worthy of collective internet mock.

Homegrowns.

Purity of suckle thigh.

Curvature of Pi’s non-recurring integers.

Together, they make festidity.

And don’t miss Hitler Chin.

Hitler Chin, lades and gentlemen.

The point at which masculinity crashed into fascist signifiers of the 1930s appropriated from silent film actors of the 1920s.

And Harry Langdon danced.

That previous sentence doesn’t really have any meaning. I just like Harry Langdon. He’s like a man baby.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Orangudan and Vegas Kim

Vegas died a death at the altar of orangeness.

Rat Pack style gave way to garish monstrocity.

The desert dream of Bugsy Siegel collapsed in the fetid stench of Hard Rock pools at 2am with dirty towels, cigarette butts, and fowl spilled plastic martini glasses.

And from the ashes rose Orangudan.

The collective id monster of all that is unholy in Douche Mecca.

With Vegas Kim by her side, the two unleash a torrent of poo uponst our culture.

Together, they make 7.25 an hour.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: The Voguegina and Furry Amanda

Strike a pose, there’s nothing to it… douche!

Heh. This guy sucks. And them’s two mores naturals for the trophy shelf.

I’m outta euphemisms.

It’s your turn.

Tell me which of these four couplings is most foul and unholy, most deserving of winning the HCwDB of the Month?

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Pump It

Talent comes in many variations in this strange, exotic world we call earth.

Comment of the Week: Douche Springsteen

The great D.S. breaks down the Arm Tissue crisis of middle aged modernity and wins the coveted Comment of the Week:

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This is what happens after you do the “straight and narrow” thing and then realize that the job, the wife, the sensible sedan, the 2.5 kids, the nice house do not fill in the god-shaped void within the self. You get divorced, you hear about the Burning Man festival and have a mid-life crisis and start doing things like this when you’re too old. I’m much more adjusted than this guy, in part probably because I dropped acid for the first time when I was 16 and then did all my drugs in high school and college got it out of my system when I was supposed to. That way I, won’t ever be the subject of a photograph like this after my girlfriend who is 15 years younger than myself feeds me MDMA for the first time when I’m 45.

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