Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Harvesthead Approves of the HCwDB of the Week

Slutty Sonja offers Professional Mayan Eye of Coitus so she doesn’t have to pay for her drinks.

HCwDB of the Week: Orangudan and Vegas Kim

Last week was an epic week for orangeness.

I’d thought orangebaggery was fading along with distant memories of 2009 such as the odiousOrangina. But I was wrong.

We had Orangukevin and tasty Swedish Anya. We had the breaking news story of Burnt Umber Jerzey Mom.

On the nonorange spectrum we had the creepiness of The Yeeshasaurus and Sue-Kin-Chee. And the epic Pear, but possibly pro (and therefore disqualified Princess Pearielle and King Pooterface.

But nothing said Hot Chick with Douchebag unsettling atrocity quite like Orangudan and the tasty, if artificially inflated, Vegas Kim.

Chalk ’em for the next Monthly. And your itchy narrator for apple cinnamon instant oatmeal.

Annoying Orange

It’s been an orange kinda week, so howsabout some Annoying Orange to round out the weekend.

Comment of the Week: DarkSock

Darksock waxes pearstalgic about Princess Pearielle and wins the coveted HCwDB Comment of the Week:

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I have a weakness for spinners…oh yes I do.

Medical FACT.

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Friday Thoughts and Links

Rocker Horns.

Still out there.

Still douchey.

But feral Malaysian Hotties running wild in L.A. make your humble narrator joyful and festive.

Been an interesting week here at the ole’ homestead. Lots to talk about. Lots of emails coming in. Nice to see HCwDB firing up again with great comments threads and energy. Just when I think I’m out, they pull me back in.

Creepy Japanes Face-Toy wants to bite your finger.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “And when they’re feeling sufficiently incomplete, you convince them your product is the only thing that can fill the void. So instead of taking steps to deal with their lives, instead of working to root out the real reason for their misery, they go out and buy a stupid looking pair of cargo pants.”

Orange New Jersey mom is Tanorexic. C’mon people, lets stop the cycle of orangeness. Or poo, as the case may be.

Teach… your children well…

David Lee Roth explains the Brown M&Ms.

Slate runs an excellent article on the pathology of tattoos. The need to turn our bodies into spectacles in the age of overstimulation reminds us of how far we’ve fallen.

The latest trend in annoying chefdom: stupid tattoos.

Goldblum. Death Wish. Life is good.

When did Beer commercials become some herspter Instagram nightmare? Et tu, Corona?

Note to the American Media: Sideboob can never be too much.

Remember kids, hot chicks are also crazy.

Okay, you’ve earned it:

Artistic Muscle Pear

Imbibe. For the weekend has cracked.

Vinny Yucksalot and Hot Mom Sue

Because Jesus died for sheer party shirts.

Ain’t that right, Possessed Alpaca?

Friday Haiku

Jim smiles; “Yes, they’re real.”

Her seashell earrings

***********************

Jim’s proud of himself;

Nose job? No, boob job!

Her toucan beak serves

Well to pick the pieces of

Baclava in beard.

— The Reverend Chad Kroeger

Old man and the sea

Sailed the mighty ocean blue

On board bleeth’s fake tits

— Magnum Douche P. I.

Sepsis has run wild.

Starting there from his right arm.

It’s poo in bloodstream.

— Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt

Smile when I say “SKANK!”

Oblivion is a fake rack

In a douchebag’s hands.

— troy tempest

At the wrap party

 For “Anal Adventures Six”

 Sound guy meets the star

— Ich verstehe sie ist heiß

Sue used the razor

For poolside groin shave reveal

Jim sports face merkin

— Dude McCrudeshoes

An old silent pond…

Douche and bleeth jumps in the pond,

splash! Silence again.

— Doucheywallnuts

"Sarah Phillips," ESPN, and the HCwDB Connection

Many of you may have read yesterday about the strange story of “Sarah Phillips,” a mysterious online freelance columnist for ESPN who was investigated for hiding her real identity, or something to that effect.

And here’s a followup story on the strange construction of the online persona of “Sarah Phillips” from the Bleacher Report.

Sarah Phillips was subsequently let go by ESPN after the story broke.

Turns out she has a bizarre connection to HCwDB.

You see, “Sarah” was featured in one of the more hilarious pics from 2010, “Mandarin Orange,” pictured here. Allegedly, “Sarah” is the hottie on the right.

Things were bopping along smoothly, until, in mid April of 2011, the following email came in to me from an email account named “Sylvia Sanchez:”

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Hello,

SP

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When I asked which person she was in the pic, to confirm it wasn’t a prank, I got the following:

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I am on the far right. I am the rightful owner of this image. Whoever sent you this image stole it from my old MySpace page. It was not sent by any of the 3 of us in the image—if someone claimed to be one of us, then I would like their contact information and I will follow up legally with them.

Thanks.

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This was followed by various hysterical legal threats and three more followups over the next two days, until I finally cropped her out of the pic. I’m only posting it again since it’s already up at DeadSpin.

Here was the initial post with the edited pic (without “SP”) now in place. Here was Mandarin Orange competing for the 2010 Douchie Award for Orangest Orange (also with the pic replaced by the edited version). And here’s another hilarious pic of Mandarin Orange for no reason other than he’s really, really orange.

Not sure what to make of any of this, but for those investigating the bizarre online journey of one “Sarah Phillips,” this should make an interesting contribution to the conspiracy theory timeline.

Ask DB1: Autos that are Autobag?

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DB1,

Dan

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White BMW 535.

Autodouche.

Greasey.

Asswipe With A Coors Light Bothers Kelly

Sometimes ya just gots ta title the pics like they is.

Especially when they offered the hallowed Sumerian Boob Squish.

Ain’t that right, homies?