Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Comment of the Week: I Kill

I Kill unleashes a stream of gibberish in the Bath Salts Hugh Jackman Says… thread that is either insulting HCwDB, or is a clever postmodern critique of a comment insulting HCwDB.

Either way, ’tis our winner:

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Is this the losers corner? Pathetic and hilarious at the same time see how some men react in front of another man much more attractive, talented, smart, rich and lucky than them. The same hysterical, uncontrollable reaction of a single woman fatty and ugly looking at Angelina Jolie. Anthropologically interesting… Ok, try to eat a whole box of ice cream with two or three tubes of Pringles, instead of seeing gays where there are none. With sour spinsters it works pretty well

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Friday Thoughts and Links

Some days I feel like reading Chaucer by candlelight while drinking tasty Mr. Pibb out of an original Burger King collector’s edition Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring blinking plastic goblet.

Other days I like to ingest a tasty gourmet venisonburger with a nice fermented grape juice chaser.

And then there are days when large fake breasts with heart pasties on them haunt my subconscious.

Today is one of those days.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “Kind of cliche isn’t it, spilling my guts to the bartender.”

And lo, when the Bieberbag and the Jackson Child shall commingle, then Gozer the Destroyer will micterate on Lebowski’s rug. Which is a shame. Foreth that rugeth tiedeth the roometh together. Eth.

Megan Fox transforms. Into unemployment.

In a related story, here’s a clip of Jacques Lacan explaining the unconscious.

The best show on television outside of Breaking Bad, Louie, has started season three on FX. This review from Grantland captures the essence of the show’s groundbreaking genius.

The Star Wars that I used to Know.

Dora. “Adventure goes bilingual” for the win. I would seriously pay to see this.

Signs we’re losing the war: Monster Energy Drink replaces Sara Lee on the Fortune 500.

Google peed in a horse once.

But you are not here for horse peeing. Well, some of you are. The rest of you are here for Pear:

Sandy Bottom Pear

And if that’s too skinnypear for your tastes, enjoy

Advantages to Third World Countries Pear

Photoshopped? Only by tequila.

Party Guy Cries Out with Existential "Wooo!"

No amount of ridiculous bling, ‘bag hand gestures, requisite party drugs, or paid-to-pose hott chicks can hide the creeping onus of frightful dread gnawing at the fringes and margins of Party Guy’s fractured consciousness.

You can party harder to hide cognitive breakdown, Party Guy. But it will find you by the snack machines in the lobby of the Best Western at 4am.

Friday Haiku

“Mmmm…nice firm Buddhas“…

Far away, angry monks

beat a Dolly Llama.

At my inner peace

With outer hostility

bitch-slapping this tool

— Charles Nelson Douchely

Crunches not working

For brunette. Salty diet caused

Stroke then she picked him.

— The Reverend Chad Kroeger

Douchebag cops a feel

Tibetans spin prayer wheels.

Buddha clubs a seal.

— hermit

“I am destroyer

of dignity”. Bleeths giggle

but no enlightenment.

— Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche

The Craptastropher

It’s a craptastrophy.

Manuel Kissylips Ruins Shelley's Debutante Ball

Look, we’ve all made stupidface in pics back in the day.

I get that.

But Kissylips?

Nope. Can’t say as I have.

Manuel is a douche. So let it be written. So let it be done.

Shelley giggles when tickled by an ostrich feather.

Party Guy Says, "Hey, lets Party!"

But you detect a faint tremor in Party Guy’s voice when he asks you to Party.

A tinge of existential crisis.

For deep down in the recesses of Party Guy’s soul, when late at night the thumping Skrillex dubstep is a fading echo in Party Guy’s ears, Party Guy weeps for the career in business administration at DeVry he never pursued. And Party Guy sighs. For a life unfulfilled is a life wasted. Party Guy read that on a Fortune Cookie at Wong Chow’s once.

Sonja’s boobs, however, completely and utterly fulfilled their destiny.

Greybeard Sins Against Nature

Not in this pic, although mugging Kelly is certainly a crime. I’m referring to last night. Greybeard’s crime against nature involved two ferrets, a frying pan, a a bag of chicken feathers, sixteen towels, a large can of WD-40, and a half dozen chocolate Easter eggs.

Kelly walked in on it and now they’re seeing Dr. Finstenberger twice a week, rather than once.

Bath Salts Hugh Jackman Says…

“Oi, mate! I don’t know where I is! I’m Wolverine! You like my Sheila? She came with the Sony gift bag after a private taste-makers screening of ‘Magic Mike’! Ain’t life grand?”

Marty Seyz…

“I like to look at champagne more than boobs!”

Marty is very literal in expressing his effusiveness.