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Saturday, July 14, 2012
Comment of the Week: DoucheyWallnuts
Because sometimes ya just gotta reminisce, kid:
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So I decided to lay a little low this week with the Ike, JFK, mob thing. The other day Mrs Wallnuts got a package containing a cow’s tongue with a spike through it. She thought it was a box of Sfogliatelle (pronounced, “sfee-a-dell,” I says.) from Natale’s Bakery. It was a hell of a thing. It might be Big Angie Testaforte or Sonny “Coca-Cola” Villani playing a practical joke on me, but better safe than sorry. Na mean?
It reminds me of the time me, Sinatra and Petey Lawford lit a bag of dog crap on the stoop at Lew Wasserman’s mansion, rang the doorbell and ran. Wasserman was an ugly, humorless prick with a little schmeckle and Sinatra hated him. But he weilded a lot of power. Frank f@#ked Wasserman’s wife Edie in the entry foyer of their mansion during a big party one night, in front of everyone. Wasserman threatened to ruin Frank’s career, but couldn’t. Frank banged Edie again, for good measure, and wiped his schwantz on the drapes in their bedroom when he was done with her. I f@#ked her too. What the hell, I wasn’t in pictures so he couldn’t do nothin’ to me.
Anyways, Frank told Lew Petey did the lit dog crap gig. Wasserman ruined Lawford’s career and saw to it that he never did anything better than sit-coms and the f@#kin’ “Love Boat.” Madon, a real sin.
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Friday, July 13, 2012Friday Thoughts and Links
Remember kids, no matter how much trauma the world is experiences, no matter how many are suffering in poverty, homelessness, war, despair, and malaise, somewhere there is a dude with a shaved chest in pink pajamas partying with hotties.
Takin’ it easy for the rest of us sinners, I suppose.
And when Higgs meets Boson, maybe it all comes out even in the particle wash.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “Now that you brought that up, hang onto your paddle. And if you hit any rocks, don’t hit ’em with your head. “
Forty years later, and it is still one of the greatest films of all time.
What happens when you’re a billionaire owner of a major NFL franchise and your beloved wife of 50 years passes away from cancer? Star in a creepy audition video with your new girlfriend. EDIT: Video’s been pulled, so I changed the link to an article on the story.
Ah, the 80s. When ads for record compilations simply ran lists on the songs. And hippies.
Even if she looks slightly like Mike Meyers as Dieter in this pic, I would still slather Mila Kunis with cocoa butter and rub her toesies with an apron.
It’s the summer…mmmm… Volleypear…
It’s like Mia Farrow in the Sound of Music. Some things just weren’t meant to happen.
Or Michael Keaton on a mid-70s episode of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood. (Check the back row at :38)
If Brawndo ever makes a douche car, this is what it’ll look like: DoucheCar! It’s got electrolytes.
But you are not here for uberdouchecar. You are here for Pear:
Who Cares If It Might be Photoshopped Pear
And even if it is photoshop, there’s always
For the suckle purity goodness award. And, really, isn’t that the best award there is?
Friday, July 13, 2012Natalie's Night of Triplefail
Fail #1.
Three douches and you’re out. And by out, I mean emotionally fractured and vaguely alcoholic.
Friday, July 13, 2012Friday the 13th Haiku
Family reunion
Gets awkward when Todd wears jeans
And sports unshaved balls
~or~
Then from Jack’s blue jeans
The midget burst out, yelling
“THE ARISTOCRATS!!!”
~or~
We’re here to answer
That CraigsList ad by some guy:
“Baron Von Goolo…?”
The pasties don’t move
Since the gyroscope was put
In her Monkey Hole
— The Reverend Chad Kroeger
At the strip club it’s
“Bring your brother to work day”.
Todd thinks, “Dumb idea.”
— Troy Tempest
Kim Kardouchian
Has new reality show
“Me and Four Losers”
— DoucheyWallnuts says
Mamas and Papas
Tribute band Fails Cal. Dreamin’
with Cleveland Steamin’.
— Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt
Thursday, July 12, 2012Goldiana Boobs and the Temple of Choad
Wait’ll see what she calls “Short Round.”
I’ll take “Early 80s References By The Guy Who Can’t Accept That He Lives in A Katy Perry and Justin Bieber World” for $1600, Alex.
Thursday, July 12, 2012The Inartful Dodger
Later, he’s going to show Estella his Fagin.
Yeah, that’s right, I’m making Dickens references. Whaddaya want? I went to Trader Joes yesterday and the Real Housewives of Los Angeles kept knocking me out of the aisles with giant baby strollers and residual pilates sweat. Almost stopped me from buying my Joe-Joes. And nobody puts Joe-Joes in the corner.
Thursday, July 12, 2012Reader Mail: Jonezy Tags the HCwDB Book And Gets Some 23 y/o Suckle Thigh
Long-time regular Jonezy writes in with a report:
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Yo DB1,
Long time. Hope you are doing well.
I was walking in downtown St. Louis a few weeks ago, on their main strip, Washington Ave. I was pleasantly surprised to see one of the finest literary feats of modern man displayed prominently in their window. Take a look at the attached.
I can’t recall the name of the shop, and couldn’t really tell what the hell their angle was- was it an art shop, or a chic clothing retailer? Perhaps a hipster haven? Most of the shop was just empty white space, but I can get the name of the store if you’d like to know- Google maps doesn’t have it listed yet, so it must be pretty new. Anyway…
I was in Santa Monica last weekend. My buddy claims that Mom’s is the best bar in town- I think it’s just his favorite cuz he has a lot of luck there. I must admit, it was right up my alley. Not many d-bags, and tons of young hotties. And cheap, very boozy drinks. That’s pretty much all I can ask for.
I was pretty happy some 23 year old chick took me home with her that night- girls that young don’t come my way much anymore- but honestly, and I think this was actually my line to her, I was just happy to sleep in a bed rather than my buddy’s rock hard futon.
Jonezy
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And by your buddy’s rock-hard futon you mean paying for shelter like a homeless Greek bathroom attendant during the age of Hellenism.
Good work Jonezy, and I’m pleased to see St. Louis has such impeccable literary taste.
All hail the 23 year old who feels pity for the bedless man. Many a memorable night that await recall when we’re all eating pudding in the retirement home begin in just such a way.
Thursday, July 12, 2012Call-Me-Guy Lays an Ethereal Turd
Beach Bunny Bonnie wouldn’t be amused if not for the four Fuzzy Navels plied on her by Call-Me-Guy during happy hour. And by plied on her, I mean forced intravenously at gun point. I know it seems like a tall tale to believe gun violence took place shortly before this pic was taken. But Call-Me-Guy continues to work on deep rooted rage issues ever since mommy threw away Blinkie when he was two.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012Owen Wilson Nose and Kissylips Pollute Sandy
Doucheface and Rayon Shirt piddle hyperbole like a salami on roller skates.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012Somewhere on the Long Island Shore…
Angie’s, like, totally annoyed because she, like, left her ‘gloss in her parents white BMW 525 and now her lips are, like, totally cracked, and, like, Antonio doesn’t express no sympathy and is being such a juicehead, so she’s totally not sorry any more that she gave Mikey a h-j in the parking lot of the Five Guys on Tuesday night.
Just so’s you know.
