Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Friday Thoughts and Links

Ed Hardy Hatdouches.

Still out there.

Still gravitating towards boobies like tractor beamed ‘Falcon.

Your humb narrs is well back into the Angeleno life. Mexican food. Herpsters drinking milkshakes ironically.

It may not be New York. That it most certainly isn’t. But like Hemingway in the islands, I make do with moxie and self loathing. I persevere. By plotting my long game return to New York.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB Classic Book Pick of the Week: “What good, what lasting good is there in me? Is there nothing else between birth and death but what I can get out of this perversity – only a favorable balance of disorderly emotions? No freedom? Only impulses? And what about all the good I have in my heart – does it mean anything? Is it simply a joke? A false hope that makes a man feel the illusion of worth? And so he goes on with his struggles. But this good is no phony. I know it isn’t. I swear it.”

So while I was on the east coast, I finally experienced the joy that is Five Guys Burgers and Fries. My experience went a little something like this.

Don’t get excited. It’s not a pear. It’s a tomato.

For those long time readers looking for an investment tip, now’s your chance.

Five Great Things Coopted by Douchebags. “Writing in public” for the win/loss.

Jay Leno. Still a huge douche.

D’oh!

Remember this clown? His name is “Horny Mike.” And he’s now on a new reality show on the History Channel. What does Horny Mike have to do with history? The same thing Flava Flav has to do with video hits 1.

Orange Bros. Yeech.

While Pear overload (fondle) is only reserved for SockWeek, nonetheless, you have been good:

Train Pear

Interview with a Pear

Thems your pears. Go forth into the eve and rescue a hott. Or trip a ‘bag as he heads for the bathroom. For the Weekend is upon.

BroKevin Sees Boobs, Scratches Himself, Says "Groooo"

Eventually, BroKevin formed his first coherent word in weeks. That word was “Groooobs…”

Friday Haiku

Although Mortimer

Didn’t pee in Tammi’s pool,

He ruined her vodka…

Jesus died on cross

for sinners. Sees Mortimer

and reconsiders

— Charles Nelson Douchely

Two-tone bikini

is not impressed by bad tats.

Mort tries the peen grab.

— FoghornLeghorn

Rich guy hires Tina

To be his dork son’s first lay;

Tina wants more cash

— saulgoode42

The last time I saw

this much pork in hot water

was boiling hot dogs.

— Douche Wayne

This is the poster

For Fecal Incontinece

Don’t go in the tub

— DoucheyWallnuts

Stone Phillip Will Not React To You

No, not even you, Trickster Paid-to-Pose Energy Drink Swilling Giggle Hotts.

EDIT: Props to Douche Ellington in the comments threads for noticing the genius photobomb taking place in this pic by Chet Largeman (named in the threads by “this just in…”). I did indeed miss the pudwhackery, revolted by swole as I was.

What it Looks like When a Father Fails

Somewhere in Dallas, a man who had a daughter twenty years ago stares into the existential abyss of his mirror and realizes the completion of his failure is signaled by a lip piercing.

Caption This Pic

#1: “It’s true! Grape Nuts contain neither grapes, nor nuts!”

#2: “So I says, ‘Angie! I don’t care if he’s hung like Tommy Lee, Giuseppe is bad news!’ And she was like, ‘Nuh uh!’ And I was like, ‘Yuh huh!’ And then I set her weave on fire and it was, like, totes hilarious! You shoudda been there.”

#3: “Chylamidia is that new diet skin cream they sell at Nordstroms, right?”

Can you do better? Take yer best shot in the thread.

Eurotimmy Is In Over His Head with Swedish Inga

Let Swedish Inga’s Scandanavian skin reign supreme as succulent servings of boobie poke proddle fondle. I would pensively drool on her shoulder with only a year’s supply of Turtle Wax to console me.

On the upside, Eurotimmy is a finalist for the Danish Bauhaus inspired digital remix of Mad Magazine’s Alfred E. Newman, performed only with L.E.D. lights as the preamble to a Deadmaus rave in Dusseldorf.

H.R. Giger-esque Indian tatts eat world.

Where's Fizzleface?

Somewhere in this midterm gathering of collegiate hotts and nerds, I’ve carefully hidden a Fizzleface.

Look closely.

Can you take away his bottle of L.A. Looks hair gel and flush it down the unisex toilet?

Esoteric Wednesday

Beer.

Breaking: Faux-Punk Manic Pixie Dreamgirl Cliche to Marry Nickelbag

Someone’s marrying someone. This is news for some reason.

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AVRIL Lavigne has shocked fans by announcing she’s engaged – to Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger.

“He makes her so happy. Both of their families could not be more excited.”

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