Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Caption This Pic

“Frank Brody, less famous older brother of actor Adrien Brody, struggled for years with an addiction to Pez, coconut oil, and flesh-pillow suffocation fantasies.”

Che Brovara

Of all the odious herpster appropriations, is there anything more annoying than Che?

HCwDB of the Month: Jack the Lipper and Pouty Michaela

In a tight contest between first-generation and second-generation HCwDB, the herspter crisis of Jack the Lipper and sexy poochsuckle Pouty Michaela barely bested the Jersey meatwankery of Arturo and Skinny Kathy.

For theirs was a stench undiminished by space and time. And lets not forget Jack, Michaela, and Tom Petty Hott, and Michaela in a bikini gettingmacked by rich-kid Bennington students at a music festival.

The voters speak:

FredN.: This picture, along with his other photo(s?), made my GERD start to bubble up uncontrollably, my eyes started to water in rage, and my hands are now shaking at the keyboard.

Dude McCrudeshoes: Dirty, skanky gorgeous Michaela for the epic everything. I don’t care who she is with. I would put a snorkel up her ass and breath in through the mouthpiece like it was cool, sweet mountain air.

Vin Douchal: Tickle giggle swirly trace her tattoo to the promised land and diddle until carpel tunnel renders your fingers useless. Take a point blank shot with a taser to the carotid artery then toss on some cool water mid-spasm for added conductivity.

Magnum Douche P.I.: With multiple shots of Jack the Lipper spreading his herpster angst, he is the true winner (loser) in my book.

THEONETRUEDOUCHE: Jack the Lipper and Pouty Michaela. His Pauly Shoreness gives him the edge.

Jacques Doucheteau: Jack the Lipper and Pouty Michaela. His hair has been teased almost as much as he deserves to be. And while Pouty Michaela is the hottest snag in the lineup, I wouldn’t touch that slag hole without a face mask and leather gloves. She looks like the type of girl that pops plan B like multivitamins.

Tits McGee: Michaela’s ‘tude makes me want to teach her things using guttural noises in the dark. The Lipper’s ‘tude makes me want to see if I can Derek Vinyard that douche all over the curb without scratching his lip ring.

Jeet Kune Douche: This herpster self-absorbed snide twinky BITCH deserves a full blast from a flamethrower. Lipper is like all the toxic waste in New Jersey concentrated into a human form.

Duck Duck Douche: if Michaela didn’t transport you to Morningwood Drive, you’re dead.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche: He’s like the Dane Cook of herpster wannabes: If I think I’m cool(funny) then so will everyone else. But what he forgets is that no one thinks Dane Cook is funny (or cool) and everyone hates his guts. Pouty Michaela knows that as long as she’s around him she’ll get everything her little heart desire due to his insecurities. They make a perfect match.

Blind Squirrel: I want to attach that lip ring to a heavy chain and then to a trailer hitch. Floor it. Lipper FTW.

Mr. Biggs: Jack the Lipper. Perhaps to the novice he doesn’t seem to have the ostensible douche signifiers. But all you need to do is look at his eyes. For his eyes have all that trademark douchebag seriousness that he is the shit, the cutting edge, the hip. And yet, his eyes are the gateway to communion with Cthulu.

Wheezer: My Monthly vote goes for Jack the Lipper and Pouty Michaela. Jack’s what I referred to before as a “mullet douche,” despite lacking a mullet. His run of choadosity shows he is “business at da club, party at da beach.” What brings about such a full range of douchemotion? Why so serious at Chez Hipsterwank and so loose on South Choadre Island? I’m sure he has a boatload of pics waiting to tell more of the story he’s still trying to write at Starbucks on weekends.

IRA Darth Aggie: Pouty Michaela FTW. And by win, I mean Jack the Lipper . Which really means LOSS and LOSER. Which is precisely what happens when you date a hipster douchebag, Michaela.

Troy Tempest: She’s got the skeezy magic skank thing going, and he’s an atrocity in a world of holocausts. Frankly Michaela makes me ill. I’d give her a 4. She’s got a serious bleething in place. And JAck? He’s no worse than Methholio.

Guid is Good: I have seen the future and it is Jack the Lipper and Pouty Michaela. The Lipper’s smug sense of false superiority, once the domain of Arturo-types, now belongs to the ironically neck-tatted herpsters. It is progress – but not as we know it.

Morbo: He’s the guy who sends the table’s bill through the stratosphere by ordering expensive menu items, then tries to divvy up the check equally — even though he’s got a trust fund and a sweet do-nothing, six-figure gig at his dad’s record company.

Well said, Morbo. But Jerzwankery, evven in our diminishing Jersey Shore world, still found mock:

DixieRecht: Look at her fake rack, her bad tatts, and you want to run. Then you see it. The high class stero system at her feet. Wait. Didn’t you get that boom box for a birthday present in 1987? He must be the chump that bought it at mom’s garage sale. Then the dumbells in the picture’s botto right

Tattsiana Groinshavia: Arturo and Skinny Kathy FTW/L! For epitomising ‘baggery c.2008 with a twist of keyhole felching. Was Skinny once the Donkey’s piece of Ass? That is, before the Donk was inexplicably incarcerated for crimes against taste and decorum… And drugs.

stephanie: Arturo resembles the hot dog left on the grill that no one wants. The dirty ass door has a higher IQ than Arturo.

icame isaw idouched: Pumpedup pile of poo Arturo FTW.

Pumped up poo, indeed. The suprisingly low vote count for Methholio and Rachel surprised me, they’re a stain that’s worth a second mock. Hipster Skeet and Meg came in fourth, respectively, but this was an HCwDB 1.0 v 2.0 battle of the stains. Lets let FoghornLeghorn take us home:

Jack the Lipper and Pouty Michaela for the win. Don’t let his pale-a$$ed, lack of physique fool you. True enough, Arturo could break him like a toothpick, but even Jack’s friends say he reeks of douche. Besides, Skinny Kathy looks like a trailer park partier compared to Pouty Michaela.

Zyzz rolls over in his grave looking at Jack.

Well done to a quality thread mock. And your humb narrs for Trader Joe’s Puffs.

Guyliner Graham Grabs Goth Gayle

Together, they make guacamole.

C-Hott's Adventures in Hott Chickery and Asian Ballerz

Hottie party girl and all around Vegas adventurer, C-Hott, writes in with a first person account of her adventures in Asian Pimpin’:

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Yes I’m sadly one of the girls in this picture, it was this great idea of his “Lets have you two on each side of me and I’ll throw money around”

the results.. are the following photos

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Your intrepid reporter was on the scene with the important and hard-hitting followup questions:

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Are you the blonde or the brunette?

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And C-Hott’s response:

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Brunette. WE are actually engaged now haha. Three cheers for lesbian love.

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Of course. Of course you are. Does a story like this end any other way?

The Scrabbler Hott

Remember Virginia, when hott suckleblondes overtatt, a Grieco gets its hair gel.

Nikki and Kelly Learn the Truth about Crotchvine

Crotchvine smells like coconut oil.

Crotchvine has never been a big fan of Celine Dion.

Crotchvine does not like licorice.

Crotchvine occasionally practices trumpet. But only alone.

Crotchvine once wrote a book about wildebeests.

One Word Tuesday

Ich.

Wiggaz Joe and the Double Pear

It’s important to mark the eleventh anniversary of 9/11 with soberness and reflection.

But not at HCwDB.

Because we are neither sober, nor reflective. And the format of a one-joke blog that’s lasted nearly seven years requires a consistency of form that moves beyond the specificities of chronology.

So here’s Wiggaz Joe with a tasty double serving of pear.

HCwDB of the Month

Okay ‘bag hunters and huntresses, time to get a real honest to goodness old school vote going on all up in this place. This is practically an all Herspter with hot chick finals, going up against one classic Jersey meathead and hott, which tells you about our cultural transition from Jersey Shore to Douchella archetype.

Bring it.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Arturo, Skinny Kathy, and a Dirty-Ass Door

From ‘Sock Week, here’s the first in our lineup.

And a worthy Jerzian puddle of poo it is.

This is classic orange ‘roided ‘tude smells like Trenton douchewankering.

Arturo is a meatball in every sense of the world.

Lets not forget Jesus Bling, faux tanning, tatts, and lovely lady lumps, together in cohabit.

That’s just not appropriate for cultural ascension.

Turtles do not approve.

Skinny Kathy gives seductive look.

The door is dirty.

Together, something smells like Bodyspray in Denmark.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Hipster SKeet and Meg

This is real world HCwDB.

Nothing cartoonish.

Just what appears to be an average bartrocity.

Chin pubes and punchface making on a real world sexy cute.

Together, they at first appear harmless.

But upon closer inspection, the pollutants rise to the surface.

And seriously, who names their kid Skeet? That’s worse than naming your child “Dylan” or “Mika.” There’s just no excuse for names like that.

None.

But enough to win the Monthly? Two more to go.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Methholio and Rachel

Yeesh.

Guess this week is skeevers macking on purity milkshake boobie suckle hottie thigh week. Which was also the name of my band in high school.

What an awful reality to wake up to on a Monday.

Hers is a pooch I would belly.

His is a punch I would face.

They are the inverse of 1980s Reeses Peanut Butter Cup commercials. They do not taste great together.

But there’s one more entrant to go.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Jack the Lipper and Pouty Michaela

Lip fung hoopsterism and doucheface plus sexy skeevy hott.

Classic rockerback HCwDB.

Faux rock-star douche jackets punch the Baby Vishnu in the elephant trunk.

Michaela even showed up later in a bikini getting bothered by rich-kid Bennington students at a music festival.

At least I think that’s Michaela. Sluttyhott vibe is the same.

And lets not forget the followup atrocity, Jack, Michaela, and Tom Petty Hott.

So them’s your four.

Voting is on.

Which of these four HCwDB atrocities deserves to win the HCwDB of the Month?

Vote, as tradition dictates, in the comments thread.