Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Friday Thoughts and Links

When a scarfed-up Mongor dates the hotter younger sister of that chick who had the babies with Paul Thomas Anderson, then it is on. So on.

So, uhm, yeah. The 2012 Douchie Awards. I’mma guess they start on December 7th. Which means I gots work to do.

But this awards show be small.

Drunken.

With dwindling HoHo supply to sustain.

Handing out a smaller batch of awards this year, as befits a one-joke blog in its sixth year of existence. But Douchies there shall be!!

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB DVD Hannukah Gift of the Week: “Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes.”

Have years of douche mock influenced hottie natural selection?

Fan of hot French chicks? Of course you are. Fan of Swedish death metal? HCwDB provides for you.

Just the other day I was sitting around, munching my dwindling supply of tasty Hostess HoHos, and said to myself, “Self? What would an Egyptian Popeye look like?” And now I know.

When is a Rubik’s Cube not a Rubik’s Cube? When it’s yo’ momma.

If you haven’t seen this yet, enjoy the greatest prank ever played. Well, other than this one.

But you are not here for internet memes and illustration art. You are here for Pear. Enjoy:

Real World Text Pear

For the organic pear that grows in the wild is always the choicest. More? Okay:

Bed Pear

Sort of the karmic inversion of the bed pan. Unless you pee in it.

Friday Haiku

Gabe’s O.C.D. rages;

Must…Pop…Balloons…*CAN’T RESIST*

Silicone drowns Gabe.

Sweet face and cute tits

Contrast arm and thigh tattoos

And fat f*ck douchebag

— DoucheyWallnuts

Another douchebag

In way over his pay grade

Jergens at home

Mystery hand in

The background making the L

Gesture says it all!

— Capt. James T. Douche

This twinkie’s filling

supports a shelf that has an put

infinite shelf life.

— Charles Douchewin

Gabe’s forced grin reveals

No love for the funbags. Crows

“ANY-COCK’L-DOO!!!”

— Mr. Scrotato Head

He’s been a sad clown

Since the gyroscope was put

In her monkey hole.

— The Reverend Chad Kroeger

Justin Bieber's Douchier Twin Gets Lucky With his Friend's Hot Mom

File this one under lazy comedy headlines. I’m gettin’ a doughnut.

According to Lorraine, Melvin Is Not Actually a Very Serious Pimp

According to Melvin, Melvin’s iTunes mix channel is like totally gonna blow up mad serious yo and you just wait.

According to the DB1, Lorraine’s belly requires immediate pooch spackle.

Asshole McAssholewitz Wastes Oxygen, Hits on Karyn

Mark today the real day the music died.

Douche lobes for the social loss.

Morty Largeman Wishes He Didn't Bring Manuel to the Party

Now Manuel is all over his longtime secret crush from accounting, Claire.

Morty can only sigh. And consider shaving his beard.

Claire has the elfin looks and alabaster skin of the lost Henry James novel, “Fondling of the Upper Class.”

Stupid T-Shirts Fail to Amuse

There is one, and only one, slogan t-shirt to rule them all and it is thus.

When All the Single Ladies Make the Bleeth Face…

…the Baby Tebus drops trou and projectile sharts on the Mona Lisa.

Yeah, lookin’ at you, acclaimed author Michael Chabon. Top that literary sentence. Didn’t think so. Bitch.

The Scourge of Affliction

Sure they’ve gone from selling for $149 in boutique stores with obnoxious names like “Pure” and “Zigg” to “Two for $14.99” at Ross-Dress-for-Less, but Affliction still plagues our culture like a rain of tree frog pestilence.

On Fratboy Ralph and his Drunk Sidebro Syd, the pestilence remains smelly poo.

Mmmm… Kelly’s vibrant and healthy projectorial mamm pillows beckon for sleep and applause.

Chipmonky Cutie Gayle Wanders into a Meatpack

Never wander into a Meatpack without protection, Gayle. Did you learn nothing from that backpacking trip through Dusseldorf?