Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

HCwDB: The Animated Fever Dream

At first, I didn’t know what to make of this extremely not-safe-for-work animated hallucinogen. Then I realized it was inspired.

If by :45 seconds you’re not laughing, you get your money back for the costs you pay to read HCwDB.

If by the end you don’t appreciate its genius, then punch your monkey in the nads.

This is art.

And by art, I mean a stupid funny diversion. Which is art.

Comment of the Week: The Reverend Chad Kroeger

Drunken Canadian layabout and verbal thespian, The Reverend Chad Kroeger, muses on the voting proccess in the Boaty Bobby Voted… thread and wins the coveted HCwDB of the Week:

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DB1 has done his civic duty. And by civic duty I mean 10 beautious gluteus maximii. Fuck I wish I could get drunk and go pull one of them fancy handles youse got in your voting booths. All we got is a post-it note paper check box system, but it works. Almost.

Democrats

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Friday Thoughts and Links

Might be time to put The King of Sears aka The Starry Blight in the Hall of Scrote. Just too much epic douchery over too many years.

And Hello Kitty Hott’s strange attractiveness has its own magnetic pull, despite her attempts to hide her white trash trailer park background like Clarice did in front of Hannibal Lechter.

Together, they make custard poo.

Your humb narrs enjoys post-rainy L.A. and dances in the falling leaves of his tree.

For the mail has come. More Netflixed 1970s -era Doctor Who.

It’s the little things in life.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB Broadway Musical CD of the Week: “In this part of Africa, we ALL have a saying – whenever something bad happens,

we just throw our hands up to the sky and say HASA DIGA EEBOWAI!”

White People Mourning Mitt Romney. Schadenfreude, thy name is sad anglos.

Now that Romney has more free time on his hands, I’m hoping he can go back to retroactively baptizing my relatives who died in the Holocaust into the Mormon faith in secret creepy-ass bathtubs in Utah.

Think I made that last thing up? Ask Mormon Anne Frank.

Okay, that’s it on current events. Back to the mock.

Ever wonder what Peter Pumpin’Head and Mary Mammageddon would dress up as for Halloween? Now you know.

Ever get the feeling the DB1 is totally out of comedy ideas and is simply recycling characters over and over again? Well aren’t you the clever one. Have some Champagne Katie with fellow hotties.

Europeans love their Pear. I don’t know what that sign says, but I like to imagine it’s a protest against public loitering.

Nothing says mofo badass quite like The Young and the Restless logo.

As to my upcoming art show at the Guggenheim in 2023, I have a new piece I’ve been working on for awhile. I call it “Benzio Du Horse #37.”

How’s about some pear?

Election Day Pear

More? Okay. You’ve been good.

Relaxing Lake Pear

Relax with lake pear. For Friday has come again, as it does 1/7th of the time.

Friday Haiku

When Jill groomed her vaj

Todd knew just what to do with

All of the clippings

Mr Chia Head

Scores well above his pay grade

His pubes will kill deal

He has a Dick Nest

To match the hair on his head

A Dick Nest, I says

He’s the centerfold

In Head Lice Illustrated

magazine, this month

— DoucheyWallnuts, on fuccen fire. Fire, I says.

In rememberance

of 1970s porn

moment of silence

— Capt. James T. Douche

A Jew fro flashback

Reminds me of young Starskey

Her Hutch smells of shame.

— Et Tu Douche?

I knew Juan Epstein

This douche has the hair but he

Is no Juan Epstein

— Ich verstehe sie ist heiß

He hasn’t shampooed

Since the gyroscope was put

In her Monkey Hole

— Sick Rev Chad. Son.

I'll Take 'Tatts Teenagers Regret' For $1200, Alex

What is The Mayan symbol for nadsack?

Gary Moldman Pecs Next To Vegas Bethany

And by pecs, he means “Groooo.”

The Swallow Brothers Ruin a Sapphic Pileup

Oh Brunette Brenda.

How I stared longingly at the back of your neck throughout sophomore year biology II.

If my eyes had shot bees with laser beams on them, then the back of your neck would have felt pain from the stinging sensation of bees and laser beams.

But my eyes did not shoot bees with laser beams on them.

So your neck did not notice.

Random Thoughts on a Wednesday

Your humb narrs is still in post-coital repose after yesterday’s events.

A sip of the ole’ Train takes me back across the years, through the halcyon know-nothing days of the New York gogo 90s. Through the fog of dancing Bushdom oohs. And through my Westward Ho search for gold in them there hills.

We stand at an interest moment in time and space. Strange days indeed. Most peculiar, mama.

My Trader Joes cereal obsessions, which form the core deep thoughts of most days, have shifted to this weird hybrid dried fruit and Cheerios mix. But oh so tasty.

The old lady who lives two doors down got hustled by some aggressive Mexican tree trimmers who told her that she had to remove a giant tree from her front lawn because it had magic alien fungus dust on it, or something. So the chainsaws have been roaring, and a beautiful tree comes down after a hundred or so years of living.

Trees into wood into chopper into cash.

A perfect metaphor for the eternal churn.

I still rent my movies from Netflix rather than stream them, and something tells me that’s an important totem of generation gap and aging. The kids would never bother with such an unnecessary addendum added to the ritual of media consumption.

Hark! Suck it, Romney. A new day dawns.

And you probably read none of this because, hey, Benzino bites a Pear.

Peter Pumpinhead Inflates to Biblical Proportions

Speaking of epic douchery…

Sadly, Peter’s pupae state, back before hyper-cartoonishness had set in, is but a distant trifling echo.

Mary Mammageddon would like to smile. But her face might crack.

Crack, I says.

Muskrats.

Barack Obama Wins, The Unholy Grieco Freaks Out, the DB1 Responds

As part of my reconnaissance responsibilities as lead ‘bag slayer, I have been Facebook “friends” with the Unholy source Douche of the Scrotocalypse, The Grieco, for many a moon.

I monitor this unholy cesspool as a civic duty and a national service.

But last night, in the wake of Barack Obama winning re-election, The Grieco melted down. Here is a record of our exchange.

Griecobag on Facebook:

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Another 4 more years of this shit ……. we are fucked .. WOW …REALLY YOU LIKE THE WAY THINGS ARE GOING , Maybe thats why are education system 24th in the world …….pathetic…. we have turned into a stupid country… congrats to ignorance!!!!!!!

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DB1 in Timeline:

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And that is why you’re the source douche, Grieco.

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Griecobag by message:

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And I have Know idea who you are .. but your an idiot

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It is rare indeed when DB1 and Griecobag directly clash. But when it happens, it is epic.