Friday, November 2, 2012

    Friday Thoughts and Links

    Comin’ up on the 2012 Douchie Awards! Everyone grab a boob!

    This year the Douchies will be more of an intimate, small, homegrown affair. Just a few primary awards and a celebration of all the wit and wisdom in the threads that graced this site for another year.

    Your humb narrs is figuring life out at the moment. Some projects ascending. Others crashing and burning in a haze of Hollywood sunshine.

    Some friends up. Others down.

    Rising and falling on the whispered winds of hype and imagination.

    Seventeen years since your humb narrs was a doe-eyed NYU film major. Back when the future was bright, something something shades. Back when film smelled of glorious chemicals, and video was for local news. When woo hotties ran free on VHS in your dorm room without fear of internet infamy or public shamings.

    Ah shit. I’m gettin’ all pensive and nostalgic again. Gotta punch myself in the groin, down at least three bottles of the ‘Train, and take it home with some Hostess Fruit Pie goodness.

    Ahhh…

    There. That’s better.

    Here’s them links:

    Average 25 year old British woman lives at home, hates her job, and has bad sex. Captain Obvious flies in and says, “What’s all this, then?”

    Long time HCwDB reader SuperNorm produced a strangely hypnotic douche video four our amusement and edification.

    Reader Douchey Wallnuts sings the praises of last week’s Baron Von Goolo week.

    Even on Halloween, Champagne Katie can’t avoid the Batdouche.

    Meanwhile, Benzino trains for the 2012 Douchie Awards.

    Breaking: Peter Pumpin’head rides the subway, annoys old Asian guy.

    And the Unholy Grieco pukes on canvasses.

    Speaking of douchal legends past, when even country singers are calling The Mayerbag a douchebag, the case is closed. Bangin’ Katy Perry for the clincher (see: Brand, Russell).

    While eagle-eyed master thespian Wheezer caught a surprising casting announcement for Bill and Ted 3. Yup. The Kadebag.

    But you are not here just for a rundown of douchal legends and their latest scrotescapades. You are here for Pear. Here you go. You’ve earned it:

    Tony Montana Pear

    Off-Ramp Pear

    But yet so on-ramp. Or rump. Or butt.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, November 2, 2012

    Paulina Gretzky Is Crazymaus!

    Everyone’s favorite Woo Hottie Athlete Spawn, Paulina Gretzky, had a wacky boobie and douchebag filled halloween!

    So douchebag filled that even Football Chet’s hockeypuckery shines through the standard Halloween Exemption rule we instituted here a few years back.

    At least I think that’s her, judging by my extensive visual cleavite analysis.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, November 2, 2012

    Friday Haiku

    It’s the Thin White Puke

    Running Station to Station –

    “Let’s Dance…LadyBoy!”

    Dieter’s stoic

    Glare is unwavered even

    When she untucks it.

    — Capt. James T. Douche

    The new Crying Game;

    Checking their undercarriages

    Brings tears to your eyes

    — DoucheyWallnuts

     

    Ziggy tucks his piece

    Whilst China Girl thinks about

    Making Modern Love

    — DoucheyWallnuts

    This guy gets drunk quick.

    Tampons fall out so he soaks

    Diapers in vodka.

    — The Reverend Chad Kroeger

    Tim tries to plug hole

    in blow-up doll with finger.

    Valve stem much lower.

    — Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche

    The thousand yard stare

    When swishy dude realized

    The party’s coed

    — Vin Douchal

    # posted by Bagnonymous
    Thursday, November 1, 2012

    Brothabag Keenan Approves of his New Hair Stylist

    His stylist is known only by the name of Dreyfuss.

    Jersey Kimmy snaps her gum and says, “What?”

    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, November 1, 2012

    Mr. Skidoo Takes Sophie on a Most Expensive First Date

    Sophie ordered the lobster.

    Mr. Skidoo had the crabs.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, November 1, 2012

    Reader Mail: Reader Tim Tagged Benzino

    Credit where credit is due:

    —————-

    DB1,

    If one thing is for sure it is the fact I can always tell when I see someone and instantly hate their guts without having ever interacted with them. This is a case of that… Meet “The Benzbag” one of the most diabolical douchebags in the game!

    I believe he has been on the site before, if you’ll note the image of the violation of that innocent pear with his sloth like hook hands should be familiar. This clown is the Ernst Stavro Blofeld of douchery! Another Las Vegas club wanker who bills himself as VIP host/personality despite the illusion of living the life of luxury. I think we’re dealing with a $30,000/year millionaire who is up to his eyeballs in debt to keep up appearances.

    You will see he associates with a who’s who of douche offenders, Craig Golias aka Peter Pumpinhead, Sunday movie semi regular/idiot wigger Riff Raff, Tatted freak/micro penis sufferer/young and reckless spokes douche Scott Sparks and I believe a picture of him with King Douchius.

    Along with that the rest of the atrocity reads like the “Anarchists Cookbook” for practicing douchery, carrying designer murses, having your eyebrows threaded, having your douchey ass facial hair pruned with a straight razor, pretending you’re an MMA fighter and an overload of assholery, douchery and general shit headed behavior.

    – Tim

    ————–

    Well tagged tim. This Vegasian poo is a strong contender at the 2012 Douchie Awards.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, November 1, 2012

    Tatts, Trash, and Pensivity

    Tattasian Kimberly’s Beijing-born grandmother routinely weeps in front of Buddhist altars dedicated to her ancestors and decries the damage of Western imperialism.

    Tatt-free white boy Kenny just can’t seem to get with the program.

    # posted by douchebag1