Wednesday, March 13, 2013

    Cirque Du Soleil Moon Frye

    Pukes

    For you kids too young to remember, Soleil Moon Frye was one of the original porn stars on Saturday Night Live. From there, she had guests spots on Bosom Bodies, Fantasy Love Boat, The B Team, and Behind the True Hollywood Story.

    Then, in the 90s, she toured for awhile as the roadie for Citizen Dick.

    Yup.

    Got nuthin’.

    Where’s my Cheerios.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, March 13, 2013

    Twinkies Lives!!!

    girls-eating-twinkies-4

    Call of the DB1’s suicide watch!! The greatest fuel to ever fuel self-hatred, rug sitting, and navel gazing, will continue to be artificially sweetened and processed.

    Life is good.

    Twinkies lives, kids. Twinkies lives.

    Although I’m not sure what to make of the fact that PBR is one of the owners. This cannot be good. Twinkies will never be herpster!! I will fight this possibility to the death!!

    ————–

    Hostess Sells Twinkies Brand to Investment Firms

    BY MICHAEL J. DE LA MERCED AND PETER LATTMAN

    Twinkies and Ding Dongs are back from the dead.

    Hostess Brands, the now bankrupt owner of the cream-filled confections, agreed on Tuesday to sell the snacks — along with Ho Hos, Sno Balls and Dolly Madison Zingers — to two investment firms with a shared history of corporate turnarounds.

    The deal, worth $410 million, was struck nearly four months after the last Twinkie rolled off the baking lines.

    When Hostess, unable to reach a deal with its bakers’ union, announced in November that it would wind down operations, it set off waves of nostalgia for a symbol of American junk food. As recently as Tuesday, sellers on eBay were seeking to fetch as much as $250,000 for two boxes of Twinkies.

    The sale will mean that Twinkies, born more than 83 years ago in an Illinois industrial kitchen, will live on, having survived wars, recessions and the South Beach and Dukan diets.

    The new owners will be Apollo Global Management and Metropoulos & Company, which owns Pabst Blue Ribbon and Vlasic pickles. C. Dean Metropoulos, the food industry veteran who leads the firm that bears his name, is expected to become the chief executive of the snack business.

    The deal includes five Hostess factories, which the buyers hope to restart so to begin restocking shore shelves by the summer. And the new company will almost certainly feature the Hostess name.

    “There’s a great consumer fan base that hasn’t declined,” Daren Metropoulos, one of Mr. Metropoulos’ sons and an executive at the family firm, said in an interview. “We saw a real opportunity to revitalize these brands, just with some T.L.C.”

    That may come in the form of what the younger Mr. Metropoulos deemed “guerrilla marketing,” much as his firm has done with Pabst Blue Ribbon. Social media like Twitter are expected to play a big role going forward, he said, and comedian friends like Zach Galifianakis may be drafted as spokesmen. (Will Ferrell, for instance, has starred in commercials for Old Milwaukee beer, part of the Pabst family.)

    The business’ new owners also hinted that Twinkies might find a home in a broader array of stores, including discount retailers like Dollar General. Healthier options, like 100-calorie snack packs, are also expected to make an appearance.

    Yet the buyers are unlikely to rely as heavily on a unionized work force as the old Hostess did.

    “We look forward to discussing opportunities for our members with new ownership, and add value to the revival of these products,” David Durkee, the president of the Bakery, Confectionery, Tobacco Workers and Grain Millers International Union, said in a statement.

    Apollo and Metropoulos emerged from what at one point seemed like a crowded field of bankruptcy bidders for the brands. At one point, more than 100 parties had expressed interest in Twinkies, a group that included international food giants and private equity firms.

    But by 5 p.m. Monday, the deadline for bids, the only qualified offer came from Apollo and Metropoulos. Advisers to Hostess canceled an auction scheduled for Wednesday morning and declared the two the winner.

    “It’s not that we lacked interest,” Gregory F. Rayburn, the Hostess chief executive, said in an interview. “Other bidders felt that they could not top the price.”

    The new owners bring significant food industry expertise to the deal.

    C. Dean Metropoulos has worked side-by-side with private equity firms on his deals in the past. He oversaw several food transactions for the Dallas private equity firm Hicks Muse Tate & Furst, including International Home Foods, the parent of Bumble Bee Tuna and Chef Boyardee.

    Mr. Metropoulos, who has a net worth of $1.2 billion, according to Forbes magazine, made a splash in 2010, when he acquired Pabst Blue Ribbon for $250 million. Pabst — known as P.B.R. among the beer-drinking crowd — has experienced a renaissance in recent years. Mr. Metropoulous’s sons, Evan and Daren, work alongside their father at the firm, based in Greenwich, Conn.

    Still, reviving Twinkies and Ring Dings could be their highest profile turnaround.

    As for Apollo, the private equity firm has deep experience with food-related investments, having previously owned stakes in the grocery-store chains Ralphs and Dominick’s.

    Apollo currently holds a controlling stake in Sprouts, a large natural food store chain in the Western United States that, presumably, will not be selling Twinkies and Ding Dongs.

    The sale is not done yet. It requires the approval of the federal bankruptcy judge overseeing Hostess’ Chapter 11 case. A hearing has been tentatively scheduled for March 19.

    Hostess is still selling its other remaining brands, including Drake’s snack cakes. Those auctions are expected to conclude by early next month.

    Mr. Rayburn said that at some point, Hostess executives will celebrate by popping open a bottle of Champagne.

    For his part, Daren Metropoulos said that he and his family would sample some new batches of Hostess product — “and probably crack open a cold P.B.R.”

    ————–

    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, March 12, 2013

    I Dreamed of a Cloud…

    50ecc0aa9185b

    And the cloud spoke to me…

    “What up?” it said with a whispered gust.

    “Is that you, Cloud?” I responded pensively, with a noted lack of trust.

    “S’wat I said, bitch!” the cloud replied and shook it’s mighty swole.

    “Look, you’re lucky I’m even posting your sorry ass!”, I responded, for without Pear, this pic was not whole.

    And the mighty cloud thundered with gay-ass dazzle…

    It quivered like jello, then fondled its azzle….

    “Tell me, Cloud, how is it, to float up on high? Do you grow like a daisy, in a cow patty pie?”

    I didn’t know why I was talking like that, in a falsetto sing-song voice. Perhaps I saw it in a film directed by Philip Noyce.

    “Cloud, does it make you happy, by the by? Do you feel you can touch the sky? Please do tell me, Cloud up high!”

    “Shel Silverstein can suck my jabrone! Poetry is for pussies and wussies and Joey Fatone!”

    And so the cloud fondled its ballsack and cried.

    For its ballsack was shriveled and wrinkly and dried.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, March 12, 2013

    When the Pics are Low, the KV will Do Nicely

    423069_477951648894963_2060662293_n

    Because if we’re not here to mock this pile of greasepiddle mocking on party hotts like Katina here, then wheretofore art life?

    Meanwhile in Scrotetrash updates, The Wiggaz Grow Old.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, March 11, 2013

    Kisseus Vomitorious Builds His Career

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    Can you guess in what career the Notorious K.V. is now working?

    A. Accounting and Tax Preparation for H&R Block

    B. Detailed Field Measurements Involving Quantum Mechanics and the Study of Quark Particles at the Heisenberg Center

    C. Developing Third World Investment Strategies at McNulty and Fielding, An Economic Think Tank in Northern California

    D. “Philosophy”

    Answer now!

    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, March 11, 2013

    Boobs

    globes

    See title.

    More to the point, don’t see title.

    Don’t see nuthin’.

    Not even the borderline nottabag

    Simply see globby globs with dancing cherubic lute babies circling them like tweety birds of harmonic glee.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, March 11, 2013

    Something Douchey Happened on the Way to the (Penthouse) Forum

    AllThatIsHatefulInThisWorld

    It involved an electric razor, a twelve-pack of Bud Light Lime, and a subconscious desire to keep the encroaching, deep existential dread at bay through drugs and alcohol.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Sunday, March 10, 2013

    1980s Dating Video

    And God said… let there be mullets!

    And there were mullets.

    And God saw that they were douchey.

    So God created the internet. So that they could be mocked.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Saturday, March 9, 2013

    The Mutational Internets

    photo

    From lo-res dancing baby to Harlem Shakes (no embedded links to spare you the passe-ness), the internets has come a long way, baby.

    Your humb narrs has played a small, teensy tiny role in the chaos as the world shifted from text-based processing (blogs) to image-based imaginariums(instacrap et al).

    Whereto next, o captain my captain?

    How willst the digital umbilicus that pastiches the collective unconscious as unregulated simulcrum traverse the sands of cultural shift next?

    I do not know.

    So here’s a horse guy.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, March 8, 2013

    Friday Thoughts and Links

    1

    There are many cantos of douchebaggery on the journey through Hades that Dante and Virgil have chanced upon.

    One of them involves wearing pornography on your t-shirt.

    Note to the kids: Do not wear pornography on your t-shirt.

    No, no even if you’re cultivating the “Child Molester Stare + Chin Pubes” look.

    It is not acceptable.

    Under any circumstances.

    Hi there, Aging Lacy Sue. I pinch your bottom with a half-sour pickle.

    Here’s your links:

    For the guy or girl who has everything: Pig Mask

    Is there anything more entertaining than animals having sex?

    Ten of the Creepiest Celebs in 2012’s #2 is Creepy Oldbag Doug Hutchison.

    Scholarly peer-reviewed journal, USA Today, offers critical insight about Spring Break destinations.

    When you die, make sure they erect a proper grave.

    Film school memories: Marty on Oliver.

    And some more: QT on Marty.

    Want quality Pear Streaming? No, not that kind of streaming you perv. Facebook’s She Squats offers quality.

    Okay. Here’s what you want.

    Star Pear

    Meh. Okay whatevs. Lets get to the real goods.

    Triple Pear

    Because life is triple good sometimes.

    EDIT: Triple Pear link fixed, although it was far funnier the way it was.

    # posted by douchebag1
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