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Friday, April 26, 2013
Friday Haiku
She’d never forget
That day her boogers became
Sentient beings.
She shakes maracas
After gyroscope was put
In her Monkey Hole.
— UFO Destroyers
The Tsarnaev brothers
Tried to go incognito
On their way to Hell
— DoucheyWallnuts
The Winklevoss Twins
cut loose after a tough day
counting their money.
— Douche Wayne
Reality Show
Herpes: The Deadliest Catch
Turns your Peen green, too
— DoucheyWallnuts
Thursday, April 25, 2013Love in the Time of Pec Shave
Vegas.
Where nice girls like Bailey go to down some jello shots with her girls, play the slots, and make out with a creepy dude with lip fung who likes to wear underwear that resembles late 80s Jasper Johns.
Thursday, April 25, 2013Ask DB1: The Bleeth/Baguette Dichotomy
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This picture begs the question: Can a female be a douche? Or is the evidence of a rampant Bleeth-soul-infestation (coke/meth’d out expression/plaything to smeared-mascara-lit-to-their eyeballs-party-choads) enough to condemn her for her poor recreational choices while, at the same time, praying for her soul?
For as much as we want to save the Bleeth, we must use equal efforts to mock the slime who tempt and destroy them.
But something tells me this young lass had as much to do with her dignity’s defenestration as any of the dudes in the picture. Thus, must she be considered every bit the douchebag as the dudes — just as she must have been considered a likely candidate for a double or triple penetration sometime later in the evening depicted.
I will take my answer off the air.
Choad the Douche Sprocket
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Not all Bleeths can be saved. As mentioned in this bestselling book of 2008/2009, stage-3 and stage-4 Bleeths are beyond hope, and should be mocked in accordance with the proper bylaws of standard douche mocking.
Thursday, April 25, 2013There's Chlorine in the Gene Pool
Better yet. Lets just flush this whole evolutionary branch and start over with the marsupials.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013Guy With Oversized Pink Hat Guy Scores Kelly and Ashley
Kelly and Ashley will drain your pocketbook on a first date faster than you can order the specialty rice wine at Sushi Roku.
And you’ll thank them and pray for a spanking.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013Reader Mail: Scary Plotter
Boz 
writes in:
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DB1, You hate to see this.
A ginger darling character actress from a series as venerated (if overly-commodified and endlessly drawn-out) as the Harry Potter movies… on the arm of a mouth-breathing swag-hog like this. I know nothing about this stick, except that he looks like the smelly Danish foreign exchange student from my 8th-grade social studies class.
The two might be dating, engaged, divorced with kids, I don’t know or care.
Satisfaction is in the snap judgement, and my judgement is, “Oh, Snap! He’s a tool!” This Tom-Hanks-from-Castaway coiffed weasel is only in it for the purpose of being tagged in her celebrity facebook photos.
Riding the coattails of her redhaired sweetness…. Ginnie Weasley, my heart weeps some sort of quidditch-based dirge for thee. You are sweet ginger perfection. He is choad.
– Boz
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A quality HCwDB tag with quality mock email. Well done, Boz.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013Pinkubus
Once, back when I was working as a mule breeder and horse whisperer for a traveling carnival in Dubuque during the rainy season, I ran into a Pinkubus.
It was half-feral. Possibly starving. Crouching by the side of the road.
At first I saw it out of the corner of my eye. The touring wagons has pulled over at a regional bank on the outskirts of Bismark to resupply on wood grain and lemon marmalade. The Viscous Twins, one of the star attractions in General Aladin’s Sideshow, had a nasty case of the runs and so we had to stop for quite some time while Old Ma Weinstein tended to them with a case of castor oil and a wick of bronzer.
I wandered to the edge of our motley encampment to smoke a cuban and ponder a recently reread copy of Joyce’s “Chronicles of an Irish Ball Fondler” when I saw it.
A real life Pinkubus.
The kind you only read about in children’s books and Archie Comics.
There it was. By the side of the road.
In a high pitched squee it called out to me, “Hiiiiii!… Yooo hooo!!.. Check out my pecs!!… I’m a vegan!… Do you think it’s gonna rain?… I hate Justin Bieber!”
Pinkubii were known to spout inanities.
I scrambled for my Kodacrome to record the event for posterity, but it was too late.
The Pinkubus scrambled back into the underbrush, never to be seen again.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013One Word Tuesday
Nice Guy Wong Taylor Swifts a Bunny Hott
Because she, uhm, looks like Taylor Swift.
Got nuthin’.
Enjoyin’ a tasty bowl of Trader Joes oatmeal with raisins.
How you doin’?
Tuesday, April 23, 2013Old Dudes with Cameras Oggle a Mocha Hott
In a related story, Kenny Rogers.
