Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

11:17 am May, 23 Charles Douchewin said...

That’s ridiculous.

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There won’t be any note.

11:19 am May, 23 Jacques Doucheteau said...

And in the news today, hipsters party in a water tower, and feel pretty darn original and exclusive.

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http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/23/nyregion/illicit-nightclub-in-a-chelsea-water-tower.html?_r=0

11:31 am May, 23 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Does his pec tatt say “Polsucker”?

11:34 am May, 23 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

^ No Jacques. I think it says “polserver”. As in “She won’t be taking care of you gents tonight because I’m the polserver. The entrance is in my rear.”

11:45 am May, 23 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Molson

11:45 am May, 23 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Folsom?

11:45 am May, 23 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Mopshow?

11:51 am May, 23 creature said...

Rob yells over the thumping rave beat to his frat bros, “I know she’s gotta dick, but, it’s really little, so I don’t think that makes it gay!”

12:02 pm May, 23 jonezy said...

fuuuuck- just posted a rant into crazy alternate universe comments thread cuz Sock always fucks that up

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I guess I ‘ll repost them. Here goes….

12:02 pm May, 23 jonezy said...

I’d egg foo her young.

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or something like that

12:02 pm May, 23 jonezy said...

I’d definitely chow her mein.

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cuz you don’t have to look at her pan face that way

12:03 pm May, 23 Shaft Junk said...

“PoshSpice”

12:03 pm May, 23 jonezy said...

I’d mushu her— I think you get the point.

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I’d give her my point.

12:03 pm May, 23 jonezy said...

you can tell she was born in the year of “I hate my overbearing parents for making me study my whole adolescent life so now I’m gonna cuddle up to douche trash and post the pics onto social media where my little sister will invariably find them and point them out to said parents and fuck it, they can’t ground me now that I’m off to college, which is what they wanted the whole time”

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Or maybe it was year of the Monkey. Can hardly tell.

12:12 pm May, 23 The Dude said...

With enough Suntory™, I’d get up in Kim Chee’s Yum.

12:26 pm May, 23 Shaft Junk said...

@Jacques re: Water Tower Party. You’re like this site’s Stefon now. It’s an SNL reference. SNL stands for Saturday Night Live.

12:46 pm May, 23 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Mmmm…Thai girls.

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Thing about Thailand and Thai girls is that the legends are actually true. You can find any, and I mean ANY debauched services you could dream up. And for cheap. I think the going exchange rate is 30 baht to the dollar, and a dollar is worth like 50 baht.

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Yours truly actually went to Bangkok, and then Phuket a few years back. He had been once before where he stayed for a few months as an English teacher, despite the fact he didn’t know any Thai. He was actually staying one of the beachside resort towns worst hit when the tsunami hit in 2004, and would have been sleeping on the beach that morning if he had not passed out drunk in a hammock behind a bar the night before.

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Anyhoo, he invited me to tag along with upon his return to get a nose job. Rhinoplasty costs only $700 or so bucks there if you pay in cash, and all the doctors go to med school in the US or Cuba. We were going to go tool about Phuket for a week or so, then fly back to Bangkok for his surgery. He told be about the massage parlors and disco district in Phuket, where the world-famous Thai hookers line the streets and display their wares to every foreigner walking by. It was an amazing experience just to be around, though my friend did point out to me who all the lady-boys were, which was a solid 60% of the hookers haunting in the discotheques. I honestly couldn’t tell the difference, and didn’t bother asking how he became so well versed in recognizing them. Best to just take in the sights as a wide-eyed, dumb American tourist.

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He did however offer to take me to a “massage parlor”, which as a happily married man of 15 years, couldn’t very well pass up. We went to a house off the beaten path in Phuket, which didn’t have a sign out front or nothing. Just some skraggly gentleman with rotting teeth smoking a cigarette by the front door who waved us in. The lobby of the parlor was much nicer than the outside of the building, with nice new furniture and professional “menu” board with all their services and prices. Oil massages were 100 baht. Body shampoos were 500.

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We had both heard about “kitten” massages, but didn’t see anything close on the menu. Supposedly, they rub catnip oil on your balls,sit you in a chair that has a hole in the seat, and attach a basket on the underside of the seat that is full of declawed kittens. Don’t know about that one, but hey, it’s Thailand, right?

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So the girl comes out and escorts you into a room with a massage table. Seems legit. Then you say what you want (body shampoo), strip and lie face down on the table. The girl was petite and very cute. Could have been 14 for all I know, but I think the age of consent there is a lot lower. 8 or something like that. So she applied some sort of oil all over my back side and began rubbing it in with her hands. After a while, she hopped up on the table and started grinding her crotch all over me. After about 15 minutes, she flipped me over and continued with the oily muff massage.

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Then came the question my friend coached me through. “Eni-sing else?” she delicately asked in a soft, high anime voice. “Everything else” I said, eying her small framed olive body. Then the haggling began strictly in numbers, making me thing she didn’t know any English other than “Anything else” and all the numbers in multiples of 100, which she probably knew in every other language on earth. I started with an offer of 1000 baht, but she shook her head vehemently and pointed to my turbulently rigid wang, motioning with her hands about the size. Now I don’t have a huge shlong or anything, but it was then that I realized that it was still longer and girthier than this girl’s forearm. After having been here for a couple weeks I had gotten used to how small the people were in comparison to us gangly anglo-monsters – tromping around the mountains and plains with our pontoon feet and wooly mammoth beards – but this girl was about 4’9″ and maybe 80 lbs. The tight black muff spake of a woman, but the frame suggested her age had a suffix of “en”. But I always say, if she’s old enough to go to the store, she’s old enough to get bred.

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So we settled on 2500 baht, she greased up my throbber with a healthy dousing of lavender scented body oil, hopped on board the knob train, and continued her descent down its veiny slopes.

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Now, this girl couldn’t have been working her chosen (or indentured more likely) field for very long, cuz she was button hole tight, didn’t seem to know what she was doing, and was wincing and yelping with every questionable-legal thrust. I must have been jabbing the back of her teeth with my dome or something. After I was finished and started to wash up, she rolled over clutching her abdomen whimpering “injure…injure…” I felt really bad, but I also felt like my scvantz was HUGE, even though I watch enough porn to know it’s not even close. Still feeling kind of bad and not wanting to piss off the parlor madame, I gave her an extra 500 as a tip.

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Moral (for lack of a better word) of the story: If you are a debauched American/Candadian who’s morally bankrupt, and you want to feel tall, rich, and like you have a monster cock, go to Thailand.

12:49 pm May, 23 I R A Darth Aggie said...

They won’t get top dollar for his organs. In fact, they may have to pay someone to take them away.

12:51 pm May, 23 Jacques Doucheteau said...

And everything about that story is false.

12:52 pm May, 23 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Maybe except for the “kitten massage” part, which could very well be true. I don’t actually know.

12:57 pm May, 23 DoucheyWallnuts said...

The anti-Asian sentiment on display here is very troubling and beneath the dignity of just about everyone here except for the Trolls.

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That being said, here’s a fun fact; Thai broads smell like scallions.

1:10 pm May, 23 Vin Douchal said...

That’s the same face I made during my colonoscopy

1:19 pm May, 23 Doctor Magnifico! said...

A local, bespectacled, looks-like-butter-wouldn’t-melt-in-his-mouth pimp used to deliver whores to the good doctor’s consultation rooms, which double as rudimentary living quarters when work is demanding. An overnight visitation was $500. 500! Unheard of in today’s pay for play world. Nothing like an attractive asian hooker on one’s home turf.

Just sayin’.

1:37 pm May, 23 jonezy said...

Fuckin Cody!

4:22 pm May, 23 Magnum Douche P. I. said...

After getting fully aroused by Jacques D’s story I’m totally crushed that it was not completely true. You scoundrel !

12:58 pm May, 24 Stephanie said...

One quick sucker punch to the face and then the kidneys and he’d spew all of that cum juice.