Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

And Then There Are 'Bags With Hair Like This

Bonus points to the first person to correctly identify the national flag depicted in this douche hawk.

When Dimple Diedre tells the rest of the sorority girls about her spring break, she will excessively use the word “amazeballs.”

Failed Fathers of History

I’d argue that Mr. Connors of Whebley Drive, Virginia, father of Shyana Connors (pictured here cohabiting with Turd Von Queef), deserves entrance into the Hall.

Perhaps, as a new father, the tenor of my mock hath changed. For my BC1 is like the daughter I never had. Except she’s now the daughter I did have if the daughter I did have were exactly like a hypothetical daughter I never had.

Tautology. Like ironic. On your wedding day.

Now back to pooland for your humb narrs…

They the Douche Canoes

For those who missed it, your humb narrs had a ball of spittle and so the site ain’t gonna be updating as regularly as in the old days.  But there will be posts.  Oh yes.  There will be posts.

In the meantime, enjoy the Douche Canoes. They like to get meta even before they get actual.

Wallnuts After Dark: I'm on the Friggin' Vacation

You know, even I need a vacation. Youse all may think I am past the time a usefulness, but I’m doin’ stuff all a the time.

Just last week I saw a guy about the thing he had an issue wit an then spoke to some other guy about a certain situation that required my unique kind a expertease. Then I had to go an see So-and-So about this an that, an I was friggin’ exhausted.

So I said to Mrs Wallnuts, “Annette,” I says, “we gotta get away for a couple a days. Pack up the Lincoln an let’s head down to A.C.” So I’m in A.C. gettin’ a little sun and havin’ a few pops whilst playin’ a little Craps and Blackjack. Annette’s into the Poker, but I ain’t never had any luck with that so I lays off.

It’s kinda dead down here though. Not all hustle and bustle like you’d think it would be or like it looks in those ads where they tell ya to, “Do A.C.” As a matter a fact I was in the new place they built that’s already in bankruptcy, The Revel, an on a Saturday night there was only one Crap table goin’ in this huge casino that’s as big as a Airplane Hanger.

It’s a far cry from the days when Martin and Lewis were playin’ gigs to packed houses in joints all over town. When you look at Vegas out there in the middle a Yemensville with nothin’ but desert bein’ wildly successful and compare it to A.C., You can see how the straights can’t run nothin’ proper.

Leave it to the suits to mess up a formula that the Mob made their bones on. I mean, come on, Our Thing has been makin’ dough hand over fist on gamblin’ since the Catskills was Kittens an these Mama Lukes runnin’ the state have figured out the only way to lose money on gaming. Madon!

It’s like them Mo-mos in New York takin’ a bath on OTB. I mean how do lose money makin’ book on the Ponies?

Anyways, I gotta go. Annette is all fired up to tan her Ninns and I need me a Cutty on the Rocks.

Friday Haiku

Yo, son, check Biff out;

He’s the meat in a Hotwich;

By “meat” I mean “poo”.

*Mooo* So fµ¢kïñg what?

They ordered bottle service

Ingredients: Grain.

— Crücial Heæd

Pregnancy dresses

Since the gyroscope was put

In her Monkey Hole

— The Reverend Chad Kroeger

I had the renoB

Until I realized that girl

Has my Mom’s haircut

— DoucheyWallnuts

Husky Iowa girls

will do things most girls will not

do. Like mow your lawn.

— Magnum Douche P. I.

Vinnie’s first night out

of jail finds big blondes with bowl

cuts. Prison seems O.K.

— Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche

Lane Bryant models

need to get their douche on too

Biff takes one for team

— Magnum Douche P. I.

Baby Diaper Poo

Thanks to the unending cuteness that is the recent spawn of your humble narrator, BC1, I have official confirmation that Pasadena Pukester here looks exactly like a giant, steaming load of milk poo produced by a five-day-old.

Sharon giggles as she’s mugged, and for that, I almost forgive her Bud Light Limes.

Almost.

But not quite.

Back to burping duty for your humble narrator who once lived the Hollywood life and is now knee-deep in spittle and sleeplessness.

Peyton and Eli Get Their Douche Mocking On

Had to take a break from my current BC1 insanity to post this glorious mock from the Manning brothers.

Count the douchal symbols, from six pound watches to white belts.

Nicely done, boyz. Even if DirecTV can lick my scrotundae they suck so much.

Carlos the Jagoff and Kim Welcome in BC1

Thanks, Carlos the Jagoff and Kim! It’s nice of you to say that.

Yes, it’s true fellow ‘bag hunters. On Saturday, your humble narrator, DB1, completed his successful spawn with HC1 to produce BC1, or, for the initially impaired, Babychick1.

For evidence of the fruit of your humble narrator’s loins, here she is when she was about four hours old.

I will sing the praises of BC1 as the future uniter of the holy forces of mock that fight the dark douchal arts in a future post.

For now, I have no idea how the hell one of these things works. Send help. Stat.

What does this mean for HCwDB?

Well in addition to sending the house uponst which I mock the ‘bags, feed the alpacas, and milk the tree frogs for supplementary income (in Japan, tree frog milk is considered in aphrodisiac) into chaos, it means the site’s gonna be slow for a bit.

There’ll be posts when I can make them. Oh yes.

Especially since recent submissions via email were of exceptional douche mocking quality.

And there are still clownwads running with the Goose and Mutant Hott Post Apocalyptic Patricia. And the great sidekick to this here site, DarkSock, still needs his Haiku.

After all, if HCwDB doesn’t protect Tasty Suckle Hotts on Bicycles from this guy, then we will never know what makes an ocean wave wave.

Hang in there. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

Nerds are the New Douchebags

A few months ago I posted a rant over on my sadly neglected sister site, Lucky Punkass, on the monetization of “nerd culture” and the marketing of geekdom by poser frauds like Chris Hardwick.

This clip pretty much sums it up.

From The Big Bang Theory to Comicon cosplay ludicrousness, the cooption of nerd culture is currently reaching peak bullshit.

Out come the cool kids, ready to dress up and call themselves “nerds.” Phonysploiting some fake high school victimization narrative and pretending geek culture is a minority subculture rather than the de facto engine that runs the entire entertainment industry.

What a joke.

Someone seriously needs to start a massive cultural pushback against Nerd America, every bit as phony and a marketing strategy as douchebag culture was in the mid 2000s. Maybe that person should be me.

Friday Thoughts and Links

As Nostradouchemas foretold…

When the Pink Satin Kingdouche fondles Kelly, then the world will openeth and farteth lo the smelliest of farteths.

Hey, don’t argue with me. It’s Nostradouchemas.

As your humb narrs and HC1 are preparing to welcome in BC1 (Babychick1) any day now, things have been a little crazy in the DB1 household.

Apparently, sitting around, scratching your ass, eating HoHos and watching DVDs of Tom Baker era Doctor Who when a baby is about to arrive is frowned upon in this establishment.

As is proposing “free poop zones” in the den.

So not a ton of links today. But I do what I can do.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB Buy Some Shit and Support the Site Link: Still the greatest videogame of all time.

Millennials hate to drive Ruining their body and soul with bad piercings, tatts, and anti-intellectualism remain no problem.

Penelope Cruz has a new ad that makes me feel funny in the special place.

New evidence has arisen that site favorite Champagne Katie is actually… Sheertina. Because I have the facial recognition skills of an arthritic ferret.

If you like your doucheposes without hotts, and you probably don’t, here’s last week’s Mr. Champ flexin.

And the 89th most beautiful woman in the world is… April Rose. And Adonai said, ‘let there be fap! And there was fap.”

Okay, ready for some pear? First up

EyeTestPear

Just to see how your vision is. Is it good? Okay. Then you’re ready for

JadeUberpear

Like a large and succulent melonpocalpyse.