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Sunday, January 12, 2014
How to Act Douchey in the 1960s
“It’s her coat, she should’ve checked it anyway.”
This genius short, produced by the Navy in 1967, is all sorts of awesome. I ran it as a link on Friday but it deserves its own post and a slow golf clap from everyone reading this.
Saturday, January 11, 2014Hot Chick With Douchebag Shocked to Discovered She Ended Up on Hot Chicks with Douchebags
In case you missed it in yesterday’s links, this hilarity deserves its own recognition.
For what happens when an H.C. discovers the truth of her poor life choices? LOLZ abound.
Friday, January 10, 2014Friday Thoughts and Links
Crimson Paul Bunyon says, “Be cool, stay in school!”
Hard Mom Margie is having none of Crimson Paul Bunyon’s randomly placed sweat stain.
She believes it to be ruse.
After all, isn’t all of sweat simply a ruse? A fake? A con? An attempt to tell the body that one is cooler than one is, or attact a mate by virtue of the demonstrative power of physical labor?
Yup. I’se babbling again.
I blame the lack of coffee.
Here’s yer links:
Your HCwDB Buy Some Shit After Clicking on This Link Amazon Link of the Week: “So, if anatomy is destiny then testosterone is doom.”
A hearty tip of the Ubiquitous Red Cup to the Lost Coast Outpost blog for Wednesday’s HCwDB shoutout.
Meanwhile on Facebook, Hot Chick with Douchebags is upset to discover she’s on Hot Chicks with Douchebags.
Douchetard Chris Brown goes full douchetard. Never go full douchetard.
Obamacare targets the douchebag crowd. I can see why when our Prez starts busting ‘bag hand gestures.
Without using the word douchebag, the great Louis C.K. explains the HCwDB problematic.
Word to the wise: When home for the holidays, skip the mephadrone.
The greatest news of 2014 is already here: David Lynch to film 25 year followup to Twin Peaks. Yes.
The real fratbags in college these days? The Quakers. Because it isn’t a party until someone loses a testicle.
College student writes a letter to Bic Pens complaining that his Bic pen only writes “huge cocks.” Bic Pen customer service responds thusy.
This list of New York institutions that are now out of business or gone makes my soul weep.
Shawn Valentino is… The Showstopper. Next-gen douchebaggery at its rankest.
Women with big butts are smarter and healthier. Well, duh.
Okay, that’s enough of that. Have some:
Ya done good, kid.
Friday, January 10, 2014Friday Haiku
Kate and Jon were pleased;
The Constipati-Push diet!
Their abs? Bowel-Ripped!
Jon’s goal was simple:
Find a girl who has the guts
To tolerate him
– saulgoode42
On a winter’s morn
They embrace the cold and write
their names in the snow
– Charles Nelson Douchely
Kate and Jon are shocked
To learn their bad case of crabs
Has gone systemic
– Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt
She grates cheese on abs
Since the gyroscope was put
In her Monkey Hole.
– The Reverend Chad Kroeger
This pic explains the
world’s Velveeta cheese shortage:
these two practicing.
– Douche Wayne
In missionary
position, these two sound like
a steam train braking.
– Douche Wayne
They mate like crickets.
Abs rub occasionally
Start forest fires.
– The Reverend Chad Kroeger
In missionary
position, their sex smells like
driving with e-brake.
– Douche Wayne
In missionary
Position they look like
A fiddler crab.
– The Reverend Chad Kroeger
In missionary,
they generate power to
run a Chevy Volt.
– Douche Wayne
In missionary
Positiion they fuse with
UV machine.
– The Reverend Chad Kroeger
Later that day Kate
delivered her baby, shot
about thirty feet
– Dickie Fingers
When she bends over
she makes same snapping sound as
lighting up glowstick.
– Douche Wayne
Kate and Jon prove that
navel gazing gets results!
Let’s check abs again!
– Charles Douchewin
It must eat grain. It
Must eat grain. It must eat grain.
It must eat grain. Sons.
– The Reverend Chad Kroeger
Thursday, January 9, 2014Mr. Ferret Poop
Turns out Kimberly is majoring in animal scatology.
Or perhaps this kind of Scatology.
Either way, Mr. Ferret Poop, or F-Po to his friends, suggests a diet rich in fiber, nuts and grains.
Thursday, January 9, 2014Pearpocalypse Now… (Minimally NSFW)
No ifs, ands, or… oh nevermind.
Thursday, January 9, 2014Your Thursday Douchey Malaysian Opera Attendees
You don’t get this over at TMZ.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014Headband Joey and Innocent Irene Spend a Quiet Evening in Vegas
In an unrelated story, I am out of HoHos. Like zero. In the house.
I have baby formula. But no HoHos.
This is an unacceptable development.
It’s worse than the if the Polar Vortex brought an army of twerking zombie Nazis holding 80s boomboxes over their heads playing the latest Robin Thicke.
Yeah I used that link before as a joke. And I’ll use it again.
HoHos I says.
Bring them to me.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014Brothabag Phill Lives the (Artificially Enhanced) Dream
As Freud taught us, no (artificially enhanced) dream is complete without phallic lighthouse in the background.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014Mr. Pigeon Poop
This man is pigeon poop.
I have no analogies, similes, metaphors, or euphemisms to describe Suburban Tatt Seth Myers other than pigeon poop.
Kimberly deserves to not date pigeon poop.
I’m not sure how I know this. I don’t know Kimberly. But within the parameters of base assumptions, I’m going to presume she deserves better than Mr. Pigeon Poop simply due to the merits of her relatively Bleeth-free signifiers, shoulder tatt or not .
In a related story, while researching this post, I discovered that feral pigeons eat meat.
Watch out, Nice Malaysian Boychild!
Hitchcock.
Coffee.
