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Tuesday, February 11, 2014
The Act of Groin Spray
I can think of no more toxic a choadsteak this side of Sheboygan.
If I were still competent enough to do the Douchie Awards around here, we’d definitely list Simulated Groin Spray Featuring Bottled Water on our finals list.
But as we know, I’m not competent to do much these days.
Except crack a sunflower seed with my teeth. I got that shiz down.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014Where's Pudsillicus?
Somewhere in this action pic of organic sapphos, I’ve carefully hidden a Pudsillicus.
Look closely.
Can you card him?
Monday, February 10, 2014Headwound Johnson Cuddles with Sheeny Tera
Mack the Nozzle? Or just a doppelganger? Either way, nothing says O.G. quite like the Cadillac logo.
Top it off with actual hawk and douche everything, and the baby Budda tibbles in a tinky winky.
Sheeny Tera is all sorts of barmaid generational tradition. Sheeny Teras have been serving suds to many a lonely patron for many a century.
And we keep coming back.
Because maybe this time, she’ll pick us.
Monday, February 10, 2014Breaking: Rich Douche, Poor Douche
I may be in NYC, but I’m staying up on the hard hitting news stories that are changing the world as we speak.
Some sagging German asstaint, pictured here, declares bankruptcy after living up the scrotal lifestyle:
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An aging Miami-based playboy, known for his yachts, cars, wine and women, claims he has ‘burned’ through his $90 million fortune and now has just $300,000 to his name, which he is spending at a rate of $50,000 a month.
Thomas Kramer, a high-flying German former real estate investor with a penchant for lavish parties and near-constant vacations, has opened up about how he went from minted to skint in a deposition related to a $108 million, still unpaid, judgement from 2007.
The 56-year-old, who says he has no job and no income, is claiming poverty in the case, and explains he’s made tough choices to reign in his lifestyle, including selling his boats and valuable artworks and instructing his butler, maid and maintenance man to come only a few days a week.
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Somewhere in Bulgaria, a town offers refuge.
Soon, all the uberdouches will leave us and form their own colony. They call it “Going Gator.”
Monday, February 10, 2014Your Humble Narrator is in Cold-Ass NYC
I left palm trees to come back to this? The pizza better make it worth it.
And it will.
Sunday, February 9, 2014Everything You Know About Penises is Wrong
Friday, February 7, 2014Friday Thoughts and Links
When Sharon Whose Hair Smells Like Premium Suave Conditioner with Coconut Scent cohabits with Oily Bohunk Dave, then you know life is a shriveled nad of nad prune.
Your humb narrs is heading to the big NYC next week. HC1 and BC1 in tow.
First time back since I gave up that sweet sweet East Village rent stabilized apartment a year and a half ago.
Oh how sad to be a tourist in the city of my youth.
Back when the internet boomed, the deficit balanced, new subway cars were introduced with robot voices, and many, many hot 20-something ladies watched too much Sex and the City, decided to drink cosmos and exhibit loose moral behavior.
Them’s were the days.
Now I’ll be changing diapeys and hope I can hit Joe’s at least twice.
Here’s yer links:
Your HCwDB Buy Some Shite after Clicking this Amazon Link And Help Support the Site Link of the Week: “Dope will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no dope.”
The Grieco virus during incubation.
Justin Bieber’s father. What’s the word I’m looking for? Oh yes. Spincterpeanutbutteraardvarklick.
My new favorite xBox 360 game: Call of Doodie.
My interest in the Winter Olympics is the equivalent of a scary balloon clown.
Have you ever seen this much muscle on a man?
Club institutes new rules for douchebaggery. I approve.
People in photos with dogs pooping.
For those humorless hipsters of the greater San Francisco area: The underground economics of Dolores Park.
The most terrible, misleading statement about pear of all time.
Here’s your moment of zen: Twenty-four hour time lapse of lawn furniture in snow.
Okay. That’s all I got. It’s a little bit scary but here ya go:
Kind of a bummer. Literally.
So how’s about to make up for it:
A Lineup of Masked Bums
Go forth and gnaw.
Friday, February 7, 2014Friday Haiku
He is gaseous
In his assius, like Clay
Who is Cassius.
Groundhog sees shadow
Winter of our discontent
Lasts until Spring Break
— The Dude
Tiger-print Trunks Tool
Transgendered Thai Tat-Trollop
Tuberculosis
– Bag Em Tag Em
Alex, I will take
“leeches on our economy”
for the two hundred
— Magnum Douche P.I.
There are a lot of
Turds in the pool today, where
Is Bill Murray at?
– Capt. James T. Douche
Tattooed detritus
In poolside underbelly
Create Hell on Earth
— DoucheyWallnuts
Thursday, February 6, 2014Greasey Jesus Hits on Hot Aunt Lonnie
The truly transcendent douchestain is the one that features Jesus bling in both tattoo and necklace format.
Hot Aunt Lonnie giggles politely, even as a primal instinct for flight tremblars through her synapses.
Run Hot Aunt Lonnie! Run like gazelle from stenchy tiger!
Thursday, February 6, 2014Well Now I Just Feel Dirty
Cannot… unsee…
Must… get… clean…
Lysol!
Stat!
