Ask DB1
-
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Ask DB1: The Baby Daddy ‘Bag?
———
DB1,
I propose a new Douche category: The Baby Daddy Douche.
We have all seen them, as we enjoy an adult beverage sitting outside our favorite pubs. Here they come,proudly pushing their progeny in a cheap umbrella handle stroller that they bought at the Goodwill.
Wifebeater??.. check. Wife beater tucked into their halfway down their ass, oversized manpries??.. check. Chin fung.??.. check. 30 degree hat tilt on their Yankee’s hat.??.. check. Crappy lime green tats on arms,back and neck??… check.
Unfortunately,you will never see a Baby Daddy Douche on HCWDB.The reason,you only see a Baby Daddy Douche with his larger then life baby momma, who is wearing a pair of jeggings stretched paper thin by her large backside,and a pablum stained mumu top.Oh,and the babies hands tattooed on their cleavage.
Your opinion please.
sincerely,
the Flying Douche
———-
Good point, TFD. The Baby Daddy Douche is rarely seen on HCwDB because the BDD is rarely with hot chick. Since he’s ruined his douchin’ years by not wearin’ a raincoat during the proverbial coital windstorm and is now in hock for child support and alimony until that scratch ticket investment plan finally pays off.
Lets go with some K-Fed/Britney remembrances of things past (Proust) as we delve into the nostalgia of yesteryear to illustrate the concept.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011Ask DB1: Pumping Orange?
—–
Hey db1,
I have a question regarding the performative leniency rule.
I’ve noticed an influx of pumped up, greased up bodybuilders making their way onto the site.
While indeed ‘roided and oranged out to the point of oblivion, do they not get leniency for what their “profession” demands? That is, sure they look like fools, but no more so than your average pro wrestler. All that orange, grease, make-up, and ridiculous clothing has got to be some part performance, right?
So while the obvious doucheosity is strong in these guys (and girls), how come performative leniency doesn’t apply here?
Cheers,
Douche of Arabia
———
Excellent question, D of A. The Performative Leniency Rule, as it’s currently interpreted by the Ancient Mystics of Uttar Pradesh, relates to an element of theatricality understood in the construction of the douchal persona as it relates to character work and fictive settings.
For example: Wrestling. The W.W.E. is scripted melodrama, albeit within culturally acceptable crypto-gay undertones. The W.W.E requires characters to perform as “douchebags,” so to call them douchebags is simply wrong. They are paid to perform as actors. While the damage they do via steroids, etc, is mockable, their actions as “douchebags” are not. It is performance.
Similarly in music, the personas of stage performance often require elaborate and theatrical dress. Thus calling Keith Richards douchey for wearing crap in his hair, when it’s part of his mythos, is similarly misguided.
Bodybuilding, lacking any coherent form of narrative, is about pure spectacle. The nature of douche culture, the spectacle of the cartoonish in the age of media overstimulation, thereby allows bodybuilding douchery to emerge as legitimate mock, even under the rubric of organized sport.
And besides. They’re too orange/burnt umber not to laugh at.
That being said, the Mark Mark lookin’ dude pictured here is a classic example that not all bodybuilders are douchey. In fact, I’d probably give him a nottadouche, and then be terrified to flirt with Stephanie lest he kick my ass when he got back from the bathroom.
So all pumped up inflatathons are not autobag. So let it be written. So let it be done.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011Ask DB1: Spiked = Autobag?
——-
Dear DB1,
The question has to be asked: Does a spiked do = autodouche?
Spiky-haired Henry here may be a bit overzealous in his styling choices, or be overcompensating for being picked on (or more likely, ignored) during his formative years, but he neither acts nor sounds like a douchebag when you meet him.
What say you DB!?
Follically yours,
Choad the Douche Sprocket
——
Spiked douche hair = autobag status. No exceptions.
So let it be written. So let it be done.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011Ask DB1: Generation ‘Bag?
HCwDB Hall of Mock member Doc Bunsen Honeydouche has a query for the millennial set:
——-
What will this generation be known as? My generation was Gen X. The next one was Gen Y (totally lame and unimaginative). Will this one be known as the Facebook Generation or the Douchebag Generation?
———
I was thinking more like “Generation Cocktockulus.” Think it’ll catch on?
Once, I screamed “You kids get off my lawn.” But it was at a bunch of billy goats. So it was justified.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011Ask DB1: Andy Warhol and Hipsterbaggery
————
Hey DB1,
I just wanted to ask you a question about Andy Warhol, and how he is an inspiration to hipsterbags.
I mean, he had some talent, but his main talent was being a pretentious, amoral media whore who would sell his art, persona, soul, and possibly his mother’s soul to the highest bidder. Yet somehow he still maintained his status as “edgy” and “alternative”.
Is this not the ultimate goal of all hipsterbags, to sell out, make millions, and still be a pretentious jackwad? Does this not make Warhol the hipsterbag version of the Grieco?
Just wondering..
– Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche
——-
I think some art critics would find the vacuity of Warhol as a performance art critique of vacuity itself, but it is an intriguing question.
Warhol would have to be considered an example of the Rockstar Leniency Rule in action, even if the Factory did contain a number of protodouches hangers-on types. When you’re a game changer as an artist or musician, leeway is granted for absurdity performed in the pursuit of artistic impact.
Same reason Salvador Dali would never be called a proto-bag despite greasy Italian facial fung reveal. And, of cours, why Pablo Picasso was never called an asshole.
Total pass for Warhol. None, however, for Julian Schnabel
Wednesday, July 20, 2011Ask DB1: Are Sleeve Tatts Autobag?
Reader American Bagger objects to the generalization:
————
Dear Sir,
i’ve written in before and i will undoubtedly start this letter the same way i did my last. that is by saying first and foremost – bravo, sir. bravo. you continue to constantly mock the douche and worship the hotties to the utmost of any of our abilities to do so and for that i do applaud you.
but i’m writing in reference to the picture ‘smug night’. while no doubt a douchebag, i think you totally missed the boat on why he is such a specimen.
while you list “stupid tatt sleeves” and the “hitler chin fung” as his douchal attributes, i can’t help but stare at the bendless brim of his ‘serpentine’ hat and his terrible blue blocker sunglasses.
while i’m not disagreeing with you on the fact that he is a douche to the utmost, i am disagreeing with you on as to why.
no doubt the chin fung is terrible, but this is where my bone is gonna be picked in the form of a question. why to you are all tattoos auto-douche? you even posted my letter last time and told me yourself that all tattoos are not autodouche. so why is smug’s tattoo such an exception to your own rule?
people like myself with one sleeve and one on the way and not a douchebag in any way, shape or form whatsoever kind of take offense to “stupid tatt sleeves” comment.
if you yourself said that all tattoos are not autodouche, please just remember that next time. and you know you’ve seen way many more douchey tattoos than that. his is just a nice japanese 3/4 sleeve. no stars, no stupid sayings or script writing like his douchey hat.
so please, pretty please, lay off the tattoos. some are actually pretty cool.
thanks and i will continue to be a loyal reader either way. and you know this, man.
American Bagger
——
Fair enough, but I have two words regarding the Sleeve Tatt’s fight for legitimacy: John and Mayerbag.
Now I’m not saying sleeve tats can’t walk the stereotype back. But when the Mayerbag is championing the ways of the sleeve tatt, the result is problematic. That being said, douchetattery is found in the obnoxious display of tatts, not inherently in the tatts themselves.
Unless said tatts involve Chinese or Mayan symbols. They be = autodouche.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011Ask DB1: Is Jessica Dating A Douche? (Answer: Yes)
Jessica writes in with a lol question about her new boyfriend (pictured here):
——
Hey!
Well, I have been seeing this guy for awhile now and he has this need to constantly put up “westside” signs up in every single picture.
He says he does this because he is a “gangster” lol . I am always picking on him calling him a wannabe eminem lol. I’d like to point out the so called “gangster” drives a 2011 Audi and lives in one of those most prestigious neighborhoods in Miami, FL. lol
I would LOVE if you posted this picture on your blog, i would love nothing more then to embarass him on your blog , it would make my day and hopefully he will stop putting up westside signs in pictures.lol
the picture I am submitting is one we took last week, i decided to play along with the gangster-ness lol….THANK YOU! =)
— jessica
——–
Confucius Say: Those who date those that drive Audi in “Prestigious Neighborhood” should not cast first lol-stone.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011Ask DB1: Southern Orangeness
—————
DB1,
I’m a loyal reader but infrequent contributor as I find that writing something witty about the specimens on this site is difficult given the abundance of creativity on the part of the site’s contributors who can be described as at times nothing less than poetic.
Onto my issue; I recently moved to Florida and today got my new driver’s license. My face is something like Sangria burnt sierra orange.
Now I do like to at times lie outside and smoke cigars, read and look longingly at the Ass Pear that goes by. I’m Italian also so I happen to tan pretty well. Yet I would not describe myself as an obsessive tanner and I don’t work outdoors either.
I would like to argue that my pigmentation is merely a result of environmental factors since my old license photo from up north is decidedly more white than orange. Therefore, is one a douche merely because one’s place of domicile is so exposed to the sun’s rays?
I believe that this is a pressing issue in the field of douche studies, as if the aforementioned question is answered affirmatively then most white people in Florida could qualify as douches even if no other signifiers exist per se.
Regards,
Choade Harold’s Pilgrimage
——-
The Italian propensity to Orange can be forgiven within a safe palette range of hue. This scale is generally marked, as Reader Mike demonstrated with 2008’s Crimson Ted-o-Meter , between “ruddy” and “amaranth.”
There is some geographical leeway when it comes to natural orange hue, C.H.P. However, be careful. For one wrong step, and you’ll end up looking like this.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011Ask DB1: Ed Hardy Quandry
—–
Oh wise one, we beseech thee with a question for the oracle of douchebaggery.
Can an Ed Hardy shirt, worn without irony, by a decidedly non-douchebag fellow, ever be acceptable attire? I ask this because the fellow pictured is a great guy, a good chef, and the father of the gal in the picture.
Together they run one of Las Vegas’ best off-Strip restaurants — serving kick-ass Bulgarian, Czech, Russian and Spanish(!?) food — to certain louche-lounge-lizard types, who may look like Eastern Promises extras but are genuinely nice blokes who appreciate the hand-tooled food of their homelands.
But the Ed Hardy shirt does give one pause.
What say you DB1?
– Choad The Douche Sprocket
———
Hardywear = autodouche.
I don’t care if Mother Theresa and Jonas Salk had a kid who just cured jock itch using only chocolate HoHos massage techniques and a large vibrating eggg. If that child wears Ed Hardy, he must not pass.
There are no exceptions.
Well, maybe homeless children in Africa receiving rejected merchandise from America, who need to clothe themselves. M’Buke gets a nottadouche for wearing unsold 2006 Von Dutch shirts while scouring the garbage pile for aluminum foil. Other than that, autodouche.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011Ask DB1: “The San Diego Millionaire” — Bag / Nottabag?
———-
DB1 Have a douche-adox.
The “Pacific Beach Millionaire” – AKA Jim Lawlor – is a perplexing fellow.
On one hand a giant douche attracting and exploiting the local PB hott. (if you actually live here that be a oxymoron) On the other hand as Jim Lawlor he does lots of worthy charity work.
As a LA denzien I imagine you have been to SD and PB. You will need to google and facebook him to get the picture. What would the ruling be on him?
-B Ingraham
——-
Douche. Douche. 100 Times a Douche.
Not even a debate.
I thematically flush his essence without looking in the bowl.
