Ask DB1
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Friday, June 17, 2011
Ask DB1: Is Mr. T a Progenitor of The Modern ‘Bag?
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Dear DB1,
There are certain events in people’s lives that force them to take account of their main priorities.
For instance, this week I was gifted with the birth of my first daughter, and it made me realize how important it is or me to renew my commitment to douchebag mock. Maybe by the time little Audrey is of dating age, the Grieco virus will have gone the way of smallpox: a vague threat heard now and then from terrorist groups.
One can hope, or one can mock.
However, I wish to go deeper this time, to delve into the heart of the problem. Of course, I’m referring to the state of douchebag genetics and antiviral research.
Everyone knows that research into the Grieco virus is almost as well funded as that of HIV, yet we still don’t have a cure. Although the situation looks bleak, a promising lead has presented itself. As strange as it sounds, the answer could lie in the blood of Mr. T (shown here with hot chick)?
He refers to himself in the 3rd person, sports bling, tatts, muscle shirts and a mohawk, yet is clearly not a douchebag. Does he have some kind of unknown immunity, or is he a paradox of sorts, defying fundamental understanding? What say you DB1? It’s for the children.
Luis Douchuel
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An interesting theory, however Mr. T is not immune from douchebaggery, he is outside of the construct entirely. Mr. T has, of course, earned a lifetime nottadouche and a permanent exemption under the Performative Leniency Rule and the fact he is pure awesome.
Just as W.W.E. fighters are exempt, performative proto-douchery in service of cartoonish spectacle is akin to theatrical dress-up, and therefore not linked to the history of the Grieco Virus.
It would be like blaming Paul Reubens for dressing absurdly as Pee Wee Herman. Characters and performance in the fictional setting can only be mocked when such performance spills into an absurdist ego-driven narcissism, as with vintage Vanilla Ice, or Chico Marx during his infamous Cuban Orgy bacchanal period in the late 1940s.
In conclusion, hipster icon or not, Betty White will always be hott.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011Ask DB1: Non-Douchey Body Products?
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DB1-
I just watched an Old Spice commercial. They’re trying to – er, “spice” up their brand from the old man image. It won’t work for me, because my dad wore Old Spice. But I digress.
Are there any nice-smelling body products for men that aren’t douchey?
I use Arid XX unscented on my pits, and one of those no-brand ocean sniff body wash things, but if I want to get a prize stink on, where should I shop?
We need a tight list of douche-resistant flavor enhancements, for the sake of the hotts!
Please keep up the great work.
Sincerely,
– The Dude
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Axe = douchebag.
So let it be written.
So let it be done.
The rest must be judged on a case by case basis, but if the word “bodyspray,” or any implication of seductive powers imparted through the purchasing power of a bottle of canned aerosol that sells for $3.56 at Rite-Aid, exists, then autobag takes place as well.
Friday, May 6, 2011Ask DB1: Handcuff Bracelets
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DB1,
Obichoad here, I’ve recently taken a look at this new show on Showtime called Gigolos (Produced by none other then Greiko himself).
This show is basically a training video for the bag, or more a career recruitment video for bags. It’s a comlete train wreck, shows just how self centered and unintelligent the “BRO” clan can be and the over the hill hots are actually paying them. *Shakes head*
One trend I’ve noticed on the show is one clown, we’ll call him Nick, cause, well, that’s his show name, Nick has taken to wearing a hand cuff as a bracelet. Is this something new or the next trend in bag asseccories like fake bullet holes and blood, etc. I’ve seen this out and about in NH when I run into a number of the “BRO” clan.
Please elaborate on what you know of this trend, is it something the parole officer has worked out with the local police making capture easier?
Is it something new to use as an identifier? Is it an old trend I’ve missed?
-Obichoad
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One of the central precepts of douche-wear is a “gangsta” or violent aesthetic. This is to give white suburban wankstas the sense of being an outlaw.
This framework is acquired, of course, through the power of premium spending patterns at Bloomies or Nords.
Good catch on the ‘cuffbag. We will keep an eye out for future pics of this disturbing trend.
And shame on Showtime. Emboldening Vegas Douche like this is the wrong direction for our entertainment programming to go.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011Ask DB1: The Chicken Or The ‘Bag?
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DB1,
A question occurred to me just now as I watched a man, clearly a Douche, perform a simple task of crossing the street.
Then I thought about such simple philosophical questions as “if a tree falls in a forest…” and “which came first, the chicken or the egg?”
The guy I saw today that gave birth to these Douche questions was crossing the street, all Douched out, wearing oversized aviator sunglasses in the middle of a downpour, plus other hallmark Douch Marks, such as Ed Hardy wear, Scrotal facial hair, etc.
First, one can assume that the Douche is sentient, using the Cartesian proof “I use Axe body spray, therefore I am” [From the latin, “Axeio, ergo sum”]. We may also assume that the Douche has acted with intent: they are clearly getting near hot chicks, as DB1’s weblog most painfully demonstrates.
Then I thought of a similarly perplexing question: Does a Douchebag know he is a Douchebag?”
The mind reels.
Jamie
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The moment at which ‘Bag becomes self-aware, as with Skynet before it, is the moment the war enters a new phase in our epic battle for boobie hottie suckle thigh.
Self awareness, of course, does not mitigate ‘bag status.
It is, as I’ve pointed out before, simply another strategy to deflect critique while appropriate the tools of the ‘bag arsenal in targeting the hott.
Mocking must continue. Oh yes. With tasty Hostess snack treat breaks allowed every four hours.
Friday, April 29, 2011Ask DB1: Woo Hotts in Razorback Nation
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Greetings, DB1.
I recently made the move from douche epicenter Miami to the remote foothills of Fayetteville, Arkansas, where I aim to study the ancient pleasures of taught, barely-legal flesh.
My question stems from a problem inherent in Razorback nation.
A large part of the social life surrounding a small, secluded college town is sports allegiance, and a large part of showing one’s love for the Razorbacks is calling the Hogs.
One calls the hogs using an old war cry passed down from the nation’s founding fathers: “Woo, Pig! Soiee!” I’m sure you’ve already figured out from whence my conundrum stems. This makes every nubile female in the area a Woo-hottie.
Admittedly, the problem is merely an embarrassment of riches, for as King Douchuous has shown, all pretenses are cast aside when tiny-heinie is in striking distance. Or, as it says in the book of Doucherotomy, “Lo though I walk through the valley of the bag, I shall fear no autumn-scented vinegar dilution.”
I was hoping you might knight me, your subject, and strengthen me for my one-man war on bags so that I might scale Rapunzel’s enchanted thigh and bringing all that is holy back to my chambers for delousing.
I shall not fire until I see the whites of their tan lines,
Poppa’s Got a Brand New Bag
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Woo Hotties in small towns may cry “Woo!” for any number of reasons, as the Wannabe Gatorbag and his Woo Hotties pictured here can attest.
Nor is the Woo Hottie to be shunned. No not even when she utters the annoyingly shrill “Wooo!! Jager shots!!”
For whatever douchadox the Woo Hottie provides through her drunken mating call, the taut suckle thigh beckons. And potential savior status awaits a better tomorrow.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011Ask DB1: Carniebaggery
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Hi DB1,
Is a carnie a douche?
Sure, there are certain habits that spans both the paleo and neo carnies, but douchessories such as back stamp tatt, silly hair style and excessive jewellery are not the things I coveted when dreaming of running away to join the circus as a kid.
— tall guy
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The Neo-Carnies, an intellectual offshoot from the Neo-Libationists that began in the 1960s after P.T. Friedman first published, “There’s a Sucker Born Every Minute,” found their seminal text in the late 1980s with Allan Bloombag’s critique of subjectivity in the academy, “The Gelling of the American Hair.”
So, to answer your question, tall guy, yes, anything and everything associated with Cirque Du Soleil is douchey. Ipso Facto.
Saturday, April 16, 2011Ask DB1: Sunglasses on the Cap
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DB1,
Nothing to do with Commie Viet Nam where I am currently on holiday… BUT
It has frequently occurred to me of late that the sunglasses up on top of (usually trucker) hat may have made the social transmigration from garden variety redneck to douchebag signifier.
I have noticed in the last 12 months in real life and photos on the site that amongst crowds of ‘bags, sunglasses on the cap sometimes figure in to the scene. Is it? Can it? Could it?
Chris in ‘Baghdad
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I couldn’t find the perfect pic to go with this question, C in ‘B (or C in Danang), but the point is a good one.
Yes, the migration of redneck signifers to a form of hipsterdouche is a troubling one worth monitoring in the future.
As to Lawyer Pud, pictured here, Mindy may not be the raving beauty that her sister Loraine is (not pictured). But she’s sweet. And will cook you pie. And deserves better than this wily turdrank.
Friday, April 15, 2011Ask DB1: Demographic Mating
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Hey DB1,
Long time reader, first time, um, submitter. Erg.
Actually, no pic for you. Just a question. I’m sure you’re aware of all the articles about, well, men being huge failures, women now constituting something like 2/3 of college students, women getting better jobs, etc. I say great.
With lots of (many hot) women floating around, and a limited selection of guys, are we demographically doomed to end up with ever more hot chicks forced to not only pose with and tolerate, but even reproduce with douchebags?
-The Waldouche
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Not necessarily, Waldouche.
I believe it was Immanuel Kant who first introduced the notion of “subjective discrepancy,” which articulates a discourse of identity outside of an authorial framework.
What this means is that boobies may boobally bounce in disproportionate, or proportionate, ratios, but that cultural variables are independent of such statistical mean averages.
Which means the DB1 has no idea what he’s saying, because the ‘Train is a’flowin’, Red Cup style.
Saturday, April 9, 2011Ask DB1: Indoor Sunglasses Rule
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Dear DB1,
I love your work, but I could use your help.
I spend far too much time looking at computer screens and by the end of the day, my eyes were hurting and my vision was getting blurry. I wound up going to an optometrist and getting some glasses. I picked some conservative frames but on a whim decided to get “transitions”.
When it’s bright out, my glasses tint and look like sunglasses. Now, I don’t think there’s anything douchey about wearing sunglasses on a sunny day, but the problem occurs when I go inside. The glasses get dark fairly quickly but it can take up to ten minutes for them to go back to clear.
I think walking around inside with sunglasses is an autodouche offense.
What should I do? Should I take my glasses off the moment I get inside and wait ten minutes?
Your advice is most sincerely appreciated.
– “Cory”
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The rule on this is clear. All sunglasses, even the “transitions” kind, must be removed at first entrance to any room operating at less than 20% outdoor lighting, unless or excepting that you:
1. Recently received lasik surgery
2. Are blind
3. Are Audrey Hepburn
No other exemptions are granted.
Thursday, March 24, 2011Ask DB1: The Self Portrait Pearadox
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Dear Sir.
I am the ever present Anonymous, a ubiquitous lurker who only until recently started posting. I kept the anonymous name because for some reason at work the posting came with a burglar’s mask in the face where the avatar would go, and frankly couldn’t think of a proper name. Hence, until such time, I will remain anonymous.
Many things have I learned from this educational site. Among them, many strange phenomena amongst the douchebag elements of society. None more vapid and narcissistic than the cell phone mirror preening pose photo. It makes me sick to my stomach. That is, when guys do it.
However, I submit for your consideration the following: cell phone mirror preening pose pear. For it is succulent and good. And not to mention the fact that her booty shorts bear a shamrock with the words 69 in Gaelic written in it. I hope you enjoy.
Anonymous (for now)
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The pose is quintessential doucheyness but the pear is succulent. And so we come face-to-pear with yet another example of the douchadox, the conflicting impulses of pear appreciation (“apearciation”) in a Bleethy world.
