Ask DB1
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Saturday, March 19, 2011
Ask DB1: Is a Scion Automock?
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Hi DB1,
I’m in the market for a new car sometime this year or next, and I have been looking at the Scion tC.
Scion is new here in Canada, however it has been in your country for quite some time. From what I read, Scion has been labeled as a ‘poser’ brand amongst car enthusiasts. Apparently, the douchebags who drive them make modifications to them as if it is a race car when it isn’t (it has the Toyota Camry’s 180hp engine, not some turbocharged 300hp engine).
Therefore, if I get one without making modifications, does that still make me a douche? It’s a great economy car that’s fun to drive that has some sport features. I don’t plan on douching it up.
Lately I’ve seen a few 20-something year old Scion owners who exude a sense of douche aura whenever I go to a nightclub. Does that automatically make me one of them?
All the best,
Chester Creamworthy
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Notwithstanding the fact someone is already selling Scion Douchebag stickers, I’m not sure any car is inherently douchey other than, of course, white BMW 525s.
However, ironic Scion ownership is, like handlebar mustaches or reading Kindle ‘Zines, a sign of mockworthy hipsterbaggery.
Without choady modifications, and if the budget fits, you are free to purchase. But if the sounds of Deadmaus (and no, I’m not typing a 5 for an S) are heard from your car, even once, you are to be mocked immediately and indefinitely.
Friday, March 11, 2011Ask DB1: The Librarian Conundrum
Master Pee (in your Butt) writes in with an excellent query:
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I wholeheartedly agree with your penchant for placing the elusive Librarian Hott upon a pedestal. Yet, their presence on HCwDB has caused a categorical quandary for me. I look to your philosophical prowess to help define certain categories so that my mind might be at ease.
Can you describe the difference between a Librarian Hott and a Hipster Bleeth? When does the line cross from one to the other? I know that the spectacle of the spectacles imparts a special significance, but when does their presence become superfluous to the Hott at hand?
With regard,
Master Pee (in your Butt)
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Excellent question, Master Pee (in my Butt). The answer is an important parsing of the distinction of the Douchadox, the moment at which hott and Bleeth collide in a ‘bag hunters mind as a sort of spectral paradox.
Here, when Hipster Bleeth acquires the attributes of Librarian Hott, she is instantly forgiven her annoying trendoid ways, and pooching of the belly begins in earnest. This is not intellectually justifiable under ‘Bag Hunter bylaws. But it is an inevitable shortcoming of the lizard brain of the human condition.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011Ask DB1: Why Do We Pay Taxes?
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DB1,
I look at this photo and wonder: Why did I go to school?
Why did I get a job and become a contributing member of society?
Why do I pay taxes and try each day to be a better person? What was the point…?
Was it for naught?
Please, DB1 and viewers, tell me where this couple will be in ten years. I really need the reassurance today. Thank you and keep mocking the good mock.
— Old Man Grumpus
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10 years from today? Fry cooks at Venus.
Thursday, February 10, 2011Ask DB1: Meta Ur Reflexive Irony ‘Bags?
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DB1,
In the future, will we ever see a douchebag with a tattoo that says “douchebag”?
Or is the Grieco virus immune to post-modern irony?
Yours in opposition to the Taint,
Dan
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Good question, Dan. We’ve often talked about performative strategem in service of hott seduction under different rubrics yet still following the same underlying principle.
Think of a kumquat. Would a kumquat be less funny if it was called a pear?
Yes. But it’s still a fruit.
The same goes for douchebag meta-irony.
As we’re seeing more and more of, and as I’ve noted before, in our post Jersey Shore era, the douche has taken on an attempt at winking irony and humorous play to still have free reign to douche it up with impunity.
However, the ‘baguousness is still, underneath, just as toxic as when it was the humor-free seriousness of the “Pickup Artist” era (2005-2008) and the “Douchepocalypse Era” (2008-2009). So long as the mock remains potent, we must try, or the hotts will continue to be lost, even in our Jersey Shore “Metabag” era (2009-present).
Wednesday, February 2, 2011Ask DB1: Is Meathead Autodouche?
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Boss,
The site is becoming disconcerting to me. I get belittling doucheness, and believe me I’m all for it. So, I’m just going to put this out there:
I am a meathead.
I love being a meathead, and even compete in powerlifting competitions.
I don’t have abs, and I dress normal.
I don’t walk around with my shirt off, or distribute any other characteristics of douche.
However, it seems that more and more I log on and there is all this talk of “roid this” and “gym guys that”. So when did meathead = autodouche?
I mean you would think the cause would want more guys like us on your team. We will quite literally destroy that that is douche, with much ferocity. Some comments on The JordanBag, as well as the Planet Fitness commercial you posted the other day have kind of set me off.
Take the Planet Fitness commercial you posted a while back.
OK, “I pick things up and put them down” guy was douche, but it was a commercial. The guy probably isn’t like that all. Most meatheads I meet are honest hardworking educated guys like myself. I have a B.S. in IT, work in an office, and destroy my body on my off time. Why? Because I like being freaking huge and I like lifting really heavy shit.
I don’t find that in itsself douchy. I’m modest, so if anyone asks me about “working out” I usually just brush it off with like a “oh, i get to the gym when I can” comment. Because they won’t get me.
If I where to walk into a gym that had a little boy showing me around like the commercial of Planet Fitness, I would turn around and walk out. The same as anyone else would if they walked into a hospital and some pimple faced little kid said he would be performing your appendectomy today.
– Pumping Ira
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Well argued, P.I., and I agree that meatheadery is not autodouche. What is autodouche is excessive display of the male body for the purposes of peacocking spectacle and narcissism.
Provided you do none of these things, your weight lifting prowess is fully forgiven. And when Mecha Hiney Ho comes to pummel my ass, protection would be appreciated.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010Ask DB1: Ed Hardette
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Dear DB1,
Over the past couple of months a female acquaintance of mine has shown increasing interest in Ed Hardy products. She has gone far enough as to buy an Ed Hardy steering wheel cover and Ed Hardy perfume.
She also often updates her Facebook page whenever she buys new Ed Hardy merchandise to let everyone know, and she has Ed Hardy as one of her “likes” on Facebook as well.
Should I be worried? Is this the first step for a fine lady to become a bleeth? How can I make her turn her back to Ed Hardy’s tools of Devilry?
-A Wondering HCWDB Lurker
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Lurker, if you aren’t worried by now, then you’ve learned nothing from all your time spent in meditative repose and academic study here at HCwDB.
She is far gone past the point of recoverable Bleeth stages. Dump her immediately. Then ask out her sweeter, less douchey roommate. While hitting on the roommate may appear to be douchey behavior in and of itself, it is not. It is an effort to save those hotts that can still be saved.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010Ask DB1: The Paradox of Orange Boobs
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DB1,
I have spent a lot of time picking at the daisy petals of my loins…i’d hit that, i’d hit that not, i’d hit that…
My question is this, does radioactive orange qualify a hott for closet of poo infamy and generally poo status?
As much as the bodacious pear, sweet suckle thigh and delicious cleavite are there, there and there…they are covered in pooocity! so what is the right move with this type of baguette hott…Rush or Flush?
— A.J.
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What you ask about, A.J., I expound upon at greater length in my book, and is called the “Douchadox.”
This is the douchal paradox when confronted with a hot chick who is both Hott, yet also Bleeth. ‘Bag Huntresses also face this conundrum when tagging a ‘bag who is incredibly douchey, yet offers genetic merit that cannot be denied.
There is no easy resolution of the Douchadox. It tests even the proudest ‘bag hunter’s strength of will. But the short answer is that you must resist, and mock, even as the loins attempt a nervous system coup.
Thursday, October 14, 2010Ask DB1: Glenn Danzig?
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DB1,
My question is this: Is Glenn Danzig a douche? He’s from Jersey. He’s an overly muscled meathead. A youtube video search will yield evidence of proto alpha male behavior. The signs are there.
However, do his contributions to our subcultures override his douchiness? Where would we be without the Misfits? Or have bands like the Misfits spawned their own brand of douchiness? Does Rock Star Leniency rule apply?
-Onan the Barbarian
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Rockstar Leniency Rule applies only in allowing leeway for on-stage performative spectacle. It does not forgive off-stage scrote-assery. For instance, Gene Simmons in Kiss, Steven Tyler or Keith Richards do not get branded ‘bag for their spectacles, as it is part of the performative realm.
But John Mayer, far less douchier of clothing, qualifies for harboring the soul of a complete and total ‘bag.
Danzig is consistent to his world, has legit cred from his early days with the Misfits, and hasn’t created any douchey/slutty reality shows (see Michaels, Bret) or appeared on TMZ hitting on starlets. For that, he gets a Rockstar Leniency Rule excemption and a full nottadouche.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010Ask DB1: Natural Selection
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My fellow warrior DB1,
I was recently considering the process of Natural Selection, when I had the gruesome thought that perhaps Douchebaggery might become a positive genetic trait.
After all, with all of the scrotum-faces with luscious asspear we see, there is a high probability, as much as we may not want to consider the fact, of mating. And the disease is spreading around our glorious nation and now the world.
Should I worry that the future of the human race will look like the evil-spawn we try to expose with the light of truth and reason? Ought I compile a collection of pictures of normal people so if the Douche-pocalypse occurs, there will be some record of us normal folks to withstand the flood of douche-photos bombarding everything?
Never lose hope,
– Sir Hate-A-Douche
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The anxiety you’re experiences, Sir H.A.D., is, with apologies to Kubrick, what we term “The Startatt Child.”
Fear of the unborn unholy cohabitation of hottie/douchey ascendancy representing a new devolution for the human race. A step backwards if you will.
The only mitigating factor is that, unlike Mike Judge’s now academically peer reviewed and accepted “Idiocracy Theorem,” the Douchebag tends to not like to produce offspring. It cramps his party style.
Thursday, October 7, 2010Ask DB1: Fwippy Hair
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Hey DB1,
While this email could really pertain to any one single adouchetribute, I’m writing in concerned about fwippy hair.
I have a problem with my hair, in that due to it’s thickness and generally lame straightness, I am forced to either look like a dark blond Q-Tip, or make my hair fwippy.
While I realize that we’re on a slippery slope that must have careful attention paid to avoid total destruction, and that in the past a single scrotetrait isn’t necessarily enough to call ‘bag, I do realize that things like fwippy hair are always visible and thereby invite constant mock, whereas the thousand ‘bag stare or the ‘bag headlock might only present in the presence of the hottie boobie suckle thigh, and thereby hide dormant.
What should guys like me do who want to not look like complete idiots and yet avoid accidental mocking? Is there an out clause?
— Arch Douche Ferdinand
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Fwippy Hair in and of itself is usually not enough to mark ‘bag, but it is an early warning indicator. However, if your hair has a permanent fwip, there is some leeway in terms of mocking. You just must be extra careful about hand gestures, sneery lips and douche-face in the presence of any and all hotties you come into contact with.
