Ask DB1
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Saturday, August 14, 2010
Ask DB1: Tatt ’em and Taboo
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Dear DB1
I would like to start this question off with a simple reminder to all readers that I will submit unconditionally to the rulings of my fellow Bag-Hunters and the omnipotent DB1 regarding this matter.
That being said I am concerned with one of your older posts not quite hitting the nail accurately enough on the proverbial head. When you say that tattoos involving “tasteful or artistic” things are not inherently bag I would tend to disagree.
Perhaps this is only in my personal experience, but I have noticed a trend up here in my hometown whereby many people I know I tend to mock for douchebaggery due to their excessive tribal or likewise, only to learn that they are in fact passable as nottadouches! The opposite is true as well. Many people I meet in my day to day douche-mockery have “tasteful” tattoos and yet when pressed for a story or explanation for the origins of said tattoos, give excessively douchey responses.
So my question to you, all knowing father DB1 is this: Are not those with tasteful tattoos just as susceptible to levels of inherent douchebaggery? In this case for being pseudo-intellectual douches? And if so, are not those with tattoos of things they like, no matter how pointless they may seem, able to be passable as more than steaming piles of douche with a side of chode fries?
Sincerely,
Admiral “It’s a Douche-Trap!” Ackdouche
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This is an interesting point Admiral Ackdouche, and it reminds us that douchebaggery, and Bleethery in the females, is, of course, made up of a complex formulation of numerous variables (faux, tatts, sneery face, hand gestures, Ed Hardy, Axe bodyspray, etc.) in relational discourse.
Each of these variables can be mitigated as part of a larger whole in terms of critical analysis of the hottie/douchey ratio. Just as some hotties can offer one single hottribute, or simply be a sexy greater than the sum total of objectifications, so too can our ‘bags be marked. Tatts alone do not always tell the whole scrotal story.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010Ask DB1: Future Scrote
Dear DB1,
At the local Sonic a few days ago, I noticed a 10 yr old boy wearing ed hardy. mocker’s instinct tells me that the kid is a douche-lett headed for days filled with hair gel and scrotastic “frat” parties at the local community college.
but then i thought to myself, does he know any better?? does he really know the magnitude of the grieco virus and what dire consequences it could have on his future lack of education??
i almost feel sorry for the kid. and if you remember in Psych 101, the biggest argument with raising children is Nature VS Nurture. so that brings me to my point: instead of mocking the kid, shouldn’t we be bringing him to the bossom of anti-chode and douche-mock? or is it hopeless due to douchey genes? and furthermore, shouldn’t we be mocking the parents or choadies who bought this crap and allowed this kid to dress this way?
Best Regards in the Fight,
– Python the Pud
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Douchescrotery is 100% a learned element informed by the culture industry, name-brand hegemony and the mass media overwhelm. As such, it can always be overcome through the study of enlightenment, the dialectics of discourse and the purity of lusty curvy boobies/ass pear.
Only the stage-3 and stage-4 ‘bags (and Bleeths) are unredeemable, those who have pushed themselves over the edge of body spectacle, with no chance of return.
‘Baglings can always be enlightened, and while mocking may be employed, it must be employed to teach through the learning tools of prolonged ridicule and extreme psychological distress, and not simply as an ends onto itself.
Saturday, August 7, 2010Ask DB1: Woo Hottie Relapse
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DB1,
Forgive me fellow bag hunters for I have sinned.
My friends and I recently hosted a house warming party with some of the local Woo Hotts, and I had a rather unsettling moment. I became what I have mocked. The combination of cheap light beer and woo hotts was all it took to become a bag.
I will spare you the gory details, but safe to say I was punch-worthy at best.
So this is where my conundrum starts. Could I be as hypocritical as the Evangelical minister who rails about the evils of homosexuality, only to be discovered soliciting gay sex in a restroom stall? (Not that there’s anything wrong with that)
Could it be possible that I despise the chode because deep down I am one? I fear that blasphemers such as myself are destined for the deepest circles of Jersey, where they fist pump you for all eternity. I throw myself on the mercy of my fellow bag hunters who I have disgraced with my boorish behavior. What should I do, oh great and wise leader?
Sincerely,
Douchey Lewis and the News
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Fellow ‘bag hunter, fear not.
Every ‘bag hunter has acted douchey to score the hott. ‘Bag Huntresses similarly sin when they slip up and, after too many drinks and too much pestering, let down their defenses and hook up with a ‘bag.
We are all sinners. Every one.
The point is to move forward. Learn your lessons and do not repeat them. Hotts can be acquired without resorting to the spectacles “required” by our culture of conspicuous consumption.
Reject what you have been taught by the media industry. Find the authentic self. It is an ongoing life struggle that will never fully resolve itself. Know that it is the journey, not the destination. Keep trying, and it is in the trying that you will succeed.
And by succeed, I mean boobie reveal.
Friday, August 6, 2010Ask DB1: Is George Hamilton a Historical ‘Bag?
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Dear DB1,
Seeing that tanning, real and in most cases fake, is a major signifier of douchiness can we surmise that George Hamilton is douche?
Let’s face it he does pull Hotts is always a weird hue of orange. I wanna say no because other then then the tan he really has no other signifiers.
— Et Tu Douche?
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This is a tough call and a good question, E.T.D., as other than the extreme orangeness, George Hamilton has a pretty good sense of humor and doesn’t take himself seriously.
I’m gonna rule nottadouche under a performative leniency exemption (aka “Rockstar Leniency Rule”) since orangeness is so clearly part of his shtick.
That being said, Hamilton did play a role for introducing unhealthy skin tone into the larger discourse, and so must be judged historically accordingly.
Friday, August 6, 2010Ask DB1: Is George Hamilton a Historical 'Bag?
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Dear DB1,
Seeing that tanning, real and in most cases fake, is a major signifier of douchiness can we surmise that George Hamilton is douche?
Let’s face it he does pull Hotts is always a weird hue of orange. I wanna say no because other then then the tan he really has no other signifiers.
— Et Tu Douche?
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This is a tough call and a good question, E.T.D., as other than the extreme orangeness, George Hamilton has a pretty good sense of humor and doesn’t take himself seriously.
I’m gonna rule nottadouche under a performative leniency exemption (aka “Rockstar Leniency Rule”) since orangeness is so clearly part of his shtick.
That being said, Hamilton did play a role for introducing unhealthy skin tone into the larger discourse, and so must be judged historically accordingly.
Thursday, July 29, 2010Ask DB1: The Plight of the Tattoo Artist
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DB1,
I come to you with a concern of personal and professional impact.
As an artist, I have noticed in the last five years a steady increase in people hiring me to design tattoos for them. It’s quick, easy work, and I certainly don’t mind doing it.
But, as a self-aware ‘bag hunter (and slayer), am I contributing to the rising tide of scrotal filth? I know that it’s the person behind the tattoo, and the presentation and attitude thereof, that really brings things together into a comprehensive douche-whole, however I fear that we may have passed the point where getting a tattoo is a pure indication of the douchebag attitude.
Are tattoos at the point of being auto-douche, or is there still a niche for tattoos with artistic merit, that are free of the douchebag label?
What is the state of tattoos in general as a douche-signifier? Should I continue to design tattoos as artistic, non-contrived pieces in a hope that I’m not part of the problem?
Or, if tattoos really are auto-douche, by what margin should I increase my prices?
Fight the good fight,
Dex
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Tattoos are not inherently autodouche, but they are an early warning signifier, a “Here There May Be Douche” signpost on the body. Some tatts, however, are tasteful and artistic, and if not displayed obnoxiously, are not automatically ‘bag.
Excessively bad tattoos, however, of meaningless “cool” insignias (tribal tatts, skulls, etc) are a stage-3 uberscrote.
The key is not in the tattoos, but in their display in service of larger douchebaggery.
Thursday, July 22, 2010Ask DB1: U.D.B. Protection?
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Hey DB1,
I’m a big fan of your site, and I enjoy reading your daily social critiques on this mega culture of axe bodyspray, unearned dogtags, scarfbaggery, etc.
I have a question for you. I, like many folks during the summer, enjoy going to beaches and bask in the sunlight. While this is harmless, in of itself, many beaches around here in Ontario (i.e. Wasaga Beach), seems to be the beehive for douchebags.
Is there a way to enjoy the sun while not being exposed to the greico virus and try to get some hotts? Do I need to bring a vuluzela to buzz them off the beach? Are you able to make a baghunter summer survival guide?
Keep up the great work.
Best Regards,
Musicman
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Unfortunately, places where public semi-nakedness is legal — beaches, lakefronts, Scottsdale — will always attract preening schroads attempting to snag quality hott.
The true ‘baghunter should not view this as a trial, but also as an opportunity for ironic mock and appreciation for any hottie cleavite reveal that also takes place.
However, if the ‘bags become overpopulated in a specific location, the Gaming and Wildscrote Commission does allow the use of three syllable words in their presence from May to August.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010Ask DB1: Baby Tagging?
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DB1,
I just had a baby boy born six months ago (I’m a daddy!).
But now I’m terrified he’s going to grow up to be some hip-hop wigga wannabe suburban douchebag.
If there are early warning signs, how can I spot them?
— Barnstable Colin
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Look for the clues, B.C., and they will be easy to spot. Ed Hardy pacifiers. Gangsta hand gestures during diaper changings. Mixing Grey Goose with his Gerber and milk.
If your baby is ‘bag, you must wait for the toddler years to take any action. Rudimentary language skills are a must for treatment to begin.
Once your child has a basic grasp of English, you must immediately commence with sarcastic mocking and ridicule until he cries himself to sleep in existential angst.
Once you’ve broken his child spirit, creating lasting scars and resentment, you’ve completed the first step. Now you must build him back up by buying him as much British comedy on DVD as you can until he recovers.
Thursday, July 1, 2010Ask DB1: Temptation of the Douche Side
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Hey DB1,
I greatly admire all your work in mocking douchebags. But I have to wonder if the constant exposure to toxic scrote ever starts to wear down your soul.
Have you ever had a moment when you thought to yourself, “Screw it! I’d get a lot more pussy if I spiked my hair, got a tribal tat, soaked myself in Axe bodyspray and behaved like a misogynistic prick towards all the ladies. I’m gonna get my douche on, Stackhouse style!”
Wes
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An important question, Wes, and one worth keeping in mind as we move forward. We all struggle with what I describe as The ‘Bag Within. This struggle is endless and ongoing.
The temptation to act the ‘Bag to score the Hott is what society dictates so that we spend significant cultural and economic capital on the brand-name cartels that infultrate our constructions of identity.
The struggle is ongoing. But the purging of the mind of the shackles of name-brand overwhelm is what leads to enlightenment. And the conquest of boobies through purity of the soul, and not sins of the pocketbook.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010Ask DB1: Is Christiano Ronaldo a Douche?
JohnDouchePassos writes in:
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DB1,
The World Cup is underway, which means it’s time to ask the question: is Christiano Ronaldo — one of the world’s flashiest football (soccer) players — a douchebag?
— JohnDouchePassos
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Talented soccer player or not, Ronaldo is pure 100% Eurocrust.
