College
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Monday, July 15, 2013
Joe Shmuckers Scores Way Out Of His League With Giggle Corrie
With a name like Shmuckers, he has to be a douche.
Giggle Corrie inspires cherubic lute playing cupids to dance around an ethereal bonfire and then hump nearby tree stumps like cracked-up gila monsters.
Monday, June 17, 2013Mosi Likes to Decorate His Room in a Pan-Asian Motif
Mosi’s parents wish Mosi would give up the DJ dream and get an actual job.
But for now, Mosi will subside on clove cigarettes, hookah lounges, and a sparkling fantasy of Yeezus inspiration.
Cutie Giggle Jenna likes water for elephants for chocolate for pray love. Cutie Giggle Jenna swears she won’t get pregnant by 21, like her sister, Not As Cute And Not Really That Giggly Eugenia. Only time will tell.
Thursday, April 18, 2013Bathrooms without Lysol
If you look closely, that’s the ghost of John Mayer peeking through the doorway. He’s wondering if the microbal count of the bathroom sink is 2 billion parts per inchron, or three.
I have no idea what an inchron is. I assume it’s a measurement of very small units. You know who would know? John Mayer.
Because he has a small peen.
Small peen jokes for the loss.
I need a coffee.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011Krista’s Poor Life Choices During the College Years
Sorry, Brad.
Working at the Piggly Wiggly and playing in a thrash band may impress Krista from October of Sophomore Year to November of Sophomore Year.
But by Junior Year she’ll upgrade to German car owning business majors.
Which, come to think of it, is more like a downgrade.
Thursday, May 12, 2011Ball State Kevin and Party Girl Kelly Party with Karen
This one hurts on a deeper karmic level than most.
Not just because Kevin is the most worthless undies poking genera-twit to come down the pike since early Spencer Pratt.
But because Party Girl Kelly has now roped Karen in to Kevin’s woo-boy antics.
This is what happens when the mating pool is shallower than a Louisiana creek during turtle season.
Turtles poo on the shoreline.
Thursday, May 12, 2011Problems in the American Rural Midwest
Forget high unemployment, high gas prices and the struggling middle class.
Lets focus on the real problem:
How Kevin from Ball State, kicked out sophomore year for dealing in the quad, somehow got Ubertasty Party Girl Kelly.
I know what happened.
It’s gotta be the phat Goodfellas poster in Kevin’s living room.
That’s phat with a “ph.” Phat.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011Rareass Pink Cup
Ubiquitous Red Cup does not approve.
Dave almost earned a notta, but then he had to go all Fleur-de-Lis douche cap.
You know.
Fleur-de-lis.
Whatever you desire.
Pierce Patchett would like a word with you on the veranda.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011The Tardopoulous Brothers
Remedial Cooking 101 was never the same for The Tardopoulous Brothers (Dimitri and Randy) when “Miss Ace Hardware 2011,” Stephanie McGee, stopped by to offer words of encouragement.
And glorious medically enhanced lizard brain short circuiting humpty gnaw slappy slap Holy Cleavite Reveal.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011Jenny and Kelly Make the “Double Woo”
Brohawks, shoulder tatts and Ubiquitous Red Cup on display as Jenny and Kelly “woo.”
Bud Lights in the sand.
Nerdy Juan talks physics in the background.
Yup. Spring Break. 2011.
Where an entirely new generation thinks they’re the first to discover sex and alcoholism.
They’re not. I was. The year was 1994.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011Sometimes Shane’s Just Gotta Choke a Bitch
There’s two ways Shane knows how to tell Maria he kinda sorta likes her. Or at least, wants to bang her when he’s not too hung over.
1. Choke her sorry ass
2. Write “Olive Garden” in script above his belly button
3. Go shirtless at all times
Don’t tell Shane that that was actually three ways, and not two. Shane was never good at no math.
