Dumbass
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Tuesday, March 13, 2012
The Lickwipe
I was gonna rag on the Lickwipe’s unholy presence near Sexy Poochtickle Trina, but then I realized we have celebrity guest mocker Mike Tyson willing to step in and do the job.
Mike, what would you like to say to the Lickwipe?
Mike Tyson: I’d just like to thay that the Lickwipe is tho thtupid! If I were still fighting, I would totally pop him in the mouth.
Yes. His head is very shiny.
Mike Tyson: Tho Thiny! It makes me weep for the lost childhood I reacted to with mindless aggression as a wayward man child.
You did have a tough childhood, Mike.
Mike Tyson: My pigeons were my Rosebud. That’s a metaphor you know. You ever see Thitizen Kane?
Of course, great film. Orson Welles is a genius.
Mike Tyson: Who that? Did I ever fight him?
Yes. Yes. Yes you did.
Mike Tyson: I knew it! They thay I ain’t go no memory, whatnot with the punches to the head and all, but I totally showed them! I’m taking night classes for nursing. And I thtudy the philothophy of Heidegger and Kant.
Really? Heidegger and Kant? What’s your take on phenomenology versus psychoanalysis?
Mike Tyson: I just shitting you. I don’t read no philosophy. Come on man, think! I got tigers.
Any other thoughts, Mike?
Mike Tyson: I would show affections for Trina by buying her expenthive jewelry. And then smacking her in the ass with my fist. Women like that.
I’m not sure that’s true, Mike.
Mike Tyson: Maybe you’re right. Hey, wanna watch Leno?
No thanks, Mike. Gotta go.
Anddddd… scene.
Monday, November 7, 2011Mongo See Crab Cakes!
Mongo like Crab Cakes!
Mongo crotch itch. Mongo not like it when crotch itch.
Monday, September 19, 2011The Byronbag
From Byron Bay, Australia, comes this Aussie toolshed and tasty Sheila Hott.
Count up the signifiers, Mates:
Six pound watch.
Stupid shirt.
Half-finished garish tatt.
Glazed expression.
And sweet, sweet, Sheila, with the giggly breasteses, who’s never been on a plane and is very uneasy around Aborigones.
Yet more depressing evidence of the global spread of the Grieco Plague.
Monday, July 11, 2011The Eyes of Larry Mars
Don’t look it in the eyes!!
Too late.
Your first born will now have an affinity for prunes.
Swim Team Stephanie never spoke to you in High School. And she won’t speak to you now, either.
Friday, June 24, 2011Constance Bagopoulous
There’s an old Henny Youngman joke that goes, and I’m paraphrasing, “Ever see a douchebag in a pink shirt rubbing up on a hot Greek girl? That guy’s a douchebag!”
Wait, I think I got the punchline wrong.
Thursday, June 23, 2011Once Upon a Time in a Magical Forest…
A fairie took a dump on a douche. Then they all went out for ice cream. And Jesus was happy.
— Excerpt from the rejected first draft of C.S. Lewis’s The Chronicles of Douchenia.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011Martin, The Douchiest Slacker This Side of the Mississippi
Somewhere, a far way away in Mississippi, a trailer is missing its douchebag.
Thursday, May 26, 2011A Scrotal Wrinkle in Time: A White Paper By Jacques Doucheteau
HCwDB Comments Thread Regular (and overall deeply disturbed person) Jacques Doucheteau delivers a scientific dissection concerning the Unbearable Slightness of Douching. Take it away, Jacques:
The laws of causality dictate, as Hume defined, that “cause and effect must be contiguous in space and time”, and that “there must be a constant union betwixt the cause and effect.” This particular scrote ridden scene as subject of our exploration of causality as a product of existential determinism can best be explained by using the Einstein-Minkowski light cone in special relativity as a model.
The frame of reference within the picture is a snapshot in time. A single event of pudwankery as viewed by the casual observer much akin to a flash of light on the three-dimensional plane of present spacetime. Just as a flash of light spreads out through space over the course of time, best imagined as a four-dimensional cone spreading out into the future from the singularity of the event in the present, past occurrences contract in radius until it converges to a point at the exact position and time of the event.
What past events led to the exact circumstances, or cause and effect, of this captured flash of douchey light; and what does the hyperbolic partial differential of its effect have on future events?
For instance, A vast array of materials and actions stemming from the organization of hydrogen atoms over billions of years into base elements and indeed the organic matter and ingenuity that labored to create the complex electronics of the twice used DJ mixer. Following the event is it’s opposing future of being traded for an X-box, years of sitting in a pawn shop, and eventually being broken down into scrap metal to be re-manufactured into countless iPhones’ circuitry.
Just our viewing of the image, and the rage we experience seeing yet another pair of shoulder nuzzle cuties forever sullied, alters the causal relationship of events within and indeed expands the sphere of this specific event’s influences.
One can’t help but contemplate the complicated history of the mini grow room venting into the neighbor’s back yard, and even the recently empty drink perched upon it, and their equally complex futurity of floating mold and narc unit raids. Mandana Dave’s strep infested Long Island Iced Tea and tongue. Mandi’s heroin arms and unnaturally contorted neck. The malnutrition forcing Kristi to frantically suck the nutrients from Mandana Dave’s infected ingrown hair.
The mind boggles.
– Jacques
Wednesday, May 25, 2011April’s Fool: Ash Wednesday
Meet April’s Fool.
His name is Ash Wednesday, and he’s about to give April a Marlboro dot on her Fat Tuesday. Then it will be a Palm Sunday for him.
Good Ash; Bad Ash…She’s got the butt.
Yeah, that was an Army of Snarkness reference.
Bonus Round: Can you spot the Yule Log in this photograph?
Tuesday, May 24, 2011The Mange in Black
Hey, it’s Turdle Neck Ted!
Cooler than Joe Camel, with twice the toe.
In the background, his acolytes mimic his every move in their futile attempts to land their own Squatting Cindy.
Run, kids; run. Turdle Neck Ted is a gateway douche…
One day you’re rocking ebony ascots; the next day you’re rockin’ them ol’ DuPage County Dungarees…
