Eurobag
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Friday, August 12, 2016
Assmodious Von Shmegmoid Drinks Victoria’s Soul
Completing my half-assed, mailed in, one-post-a-month “Shmegma” trilogy here at Hot Chicks with Douchebags, please enjoy this creepy emo tattmodel scrotechoad using alien superpowers to drain the purity of Victoria’s dropped-out-of-Bennington-just-moved-to-the-city-like-OMG soul.
Scientific name: Twatmondious assmodious
This puke-onymous genetic hybrid splicing is equal parts generic model dude from Sex and the City, the overly constructed pseudo-outrageousness of overpaid hack screenwriter and post-Nerdist nepotist-beneficiary douchewank Max Landis, and the neo-pointilist postmodern abstract art of Jon Thompson. This idiocratic lizard stain fart punches llama poop with the joie de vivre of Airplane’s Robert Hays passively raping Mork & Mindy’s Pam Dawber in a TV movie from 1980.
Too many embedded links in a run-on sentence on a badly dated blog that hasn’t been relevant in five years?
Okay then, how about Douche Baby?.
Look, man, I know I haven’t updated in awhile but I got fi’ kids to feed! Ah yes, classic action movies. When men were men. And racist stereotypes served as delightful comic relief.
Saturday, December 26, 2015Hans Klaussenn Vants You To Party Mit Greta on ze New Years
I can’t tell if it’s the furry leg boots, the weird water bottle utility belt, or the stench of post-Reich fascist mandated dance fun enveloping this lost, wayward collection of Nordic generibots that rankles the pits of my punditry the most.
Alls I know is watching these two shards of electroglide fall into a photo-lens distorted morass of dark ambiguity and bodyspray ennui is enough to throttle all of our gizzards like some lost Herman Hesse novel on the religious profundity of scrotal fungae.
Or maybe it’s just that elbowdanna. –
Regardless, Gretaboobs say Meine Kleine Happy New Yearzenspelche!!
And really, doesn’t that just say it all?
Happy 2016.
From all of us at HCwDB.
Which is still just me.
And my ‘Train. And my brand new renovated kitchen.
Thursday, January 23, 2014That Greasy Eurodude And Librarian Hott Kelly at a Multicultural White Party
Hells if I remember these two as well.
Alls I know is The Captain and Tennille are divorcing.
So life has no meaning.
Except, of course, for Librarian Hott Kelly’s hint of pokey cleavite.
Wait, didn’t Pokey Cleavite play shortstop for the Dodgers back in the 90s?
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Fritz Von Helmut Says "Guten Tag, Mein Hotties!"
Fritz Von Helmut has ze mad game, ya?
What about Rusty, ya? He bringin und game too, ya?
In an unrelated historical footnote, Fritz Von Helmut’s grandparents did not like my grandparents.
Lex Doucher Plots World Domination, Luscious Maria Giggles
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my time on this earth, it’s never ever trust anyone who looks like a Germanic Hugh Laurie. Even when they don’t look particularly douchey. Something’s up.
Luscious Maria will find out what it is soon enough. My guess is it will involve Germanic performance art as first innovated by Mr. Hans.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013And then, in Germany, this happened.
Worst. Post-Holocaust. Germanic Atrocity. Ever.
Well. Other than this guy.
Poodles.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013The Smirkonomous Looks Forward to Seeing "Carlos Danger"
When not posing sexily in Cosby-era Christmas sweaters with delightful Nordic sucklebottoms such as Alica, The Smirkonomous is a big fan of the extended Marvel universe and is looking forward to seeing “Carlos Danger.”
Although The Smirkonomous would have preferred the casting of an action star like Chris Hemsworth over that Weiner guy.
But The Smirkonomous will make do. For The Smirkonomous can’t think too heavily about such things. There are more sexy pose to make.
Monday, July 22, 2013The Smirkonomous Is Better Than You
The Smirkonmous Knows this.
Because when the Smirkonomous pays for bottle service Ashley giggles and coos like a feral seal.
This confirms the Smirkonomous’s genetic worth and validity to reproduce within the gene pool.
Well, that and his bangin’ Christmas sweater.
Wednesday, July 10, 201380s Preppies Live on In Europe
Europe has always been a few years behind on the douche trends. But three decades? Seems a bit much.
Scandanavian Hott giggle sounds like a newborn wildebeest eating a truffle. Fact.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013Swirly Johanssen Is in Way Over His Swirly Head With Sultry Carolyn
Sultry Carolyn toys with her prey.
For no amount of rosary bling can redeem the Swirl’s groinal aspirations.
