HCwDB of the Month
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Monday, June 28, 2010
HCwDB of the Month
Booya. Bring the proverbial it. A tough and legit smackdown between Party Boy shoescrape and bouncy hotness is on. And by on, I mean crotch itch.
Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: The Lake Crotch Cactii
I just got back from my covert-op trip to Vegas, where the odds on the Cactii taking the Monthly were longer than the wait at the discount buffet for new “Player’s Club” members. Longer than a Dan Fogelberg song getting remixed by Jay-Z. Longer than a Hard Rock Casino day-after-pill giveaway promotion.
Okay, I gots nothin’.
Still hung over.
But the truth is, we haven’t really focused on the smalltown boat riding lakebags who mug their small town hotties in awhile, and TLCC demonstrate an important part of Grieco Virus.
Especially with Jed and Barry pulling off Iceman and Goose, and then Iceman Finding Love.
I take it back. A worthy Monthly entry indeed.
HCwDB of the Month Finalists #2: Four Prong and Assorted K Sisters
Gender ambiguity, party promotion craptastica, and a bevy of hotties makes Four Prong a formidable contender in the Monthly.
The run of itch-worthy arrogance in presence of the ladies continued in Four Prong Plays Pool with Sophie, the Four Prong Posse, Four Prong Spikes His Drinks (with quality Hott Nuzzle), Four Prong Skewers (with quality boob reveal), and, finally, Bikini Spike Lick.
That’s a serious run of hot chickery, with douche activities present in every pic.
But with no single Hot Chick, has Four Prong spread his spikey seed too far to really codify into a toxic HCwDB pic?
That leads us to:
HCwDB of the Month Finalists #3: Lenny’s Midlife Crisis and Paulina
With only one pic to bring to the game, Lenny still is a formidable contender.
Why?
Groin Shave Reveal on an Oldbag with a Leather Thong = end of societal hope.
Paulina is confused European innocence with a touch of raunch.
For Paulina, Buddhists light incense and fondle themselves.
Together, they make all sorts of wrong.
But wrong enough to knock off our final contender?
HCwDB of the Month Finalists #4: The Sharkbag and Renee
The Sharkpud has had a plethora of pics to build his case for the monthly, including Goose Crotch BJs Renee also appearing as slutty Gina Gershon in ’95 hott, Shark With Boobies and, finally, Sharkbag and Trampy Hott.
That’s a spicey douchebag!
But does quantity build a stronger case for the Monthly?
Does the Shark’s run top Four Prong? Are Four Prong’s spikes just too silly? Can the real world Top Guns of the Crotch Cactii pull off the epic upset? Will Oldsag and Groin Shave Reveal help Lenny and Paulina take the prize?
It’s all teed up for you.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010HCwDB of the Month: Lint Diesel and Curvy Carrie
Just barely edging by the power of Oldbag Bernie Schwartz, the Lint took the prize in one of the toughest and most evenly matched Monthlys in awhile.
The voters speak:
Mr. White: I’m going with Lint Diesel. She’s saying, “Who’s going to pee in my butt?” and Lint is ignoring her to lick his own nipples. ‘Nuff said.
The Baggernaut: Lint Diesel… for wanting to lick his own cod piece despite the insane HOTT before him. A disgusting display of UBER choadism and worthy of the monthly and an auto-in for the yearly if you ask me.
Snoop Douchey Douche: Lint. You gotta give extra points for originality. You keep calling yourself “dawg” enough, how is licking yourself that far behind? Sad but sincere prediction: Ed Hardy “dawg collars.” They’re not just for your pit bull mix anymore, yo.
Architeuthis Dux: Lint is about to look even more like a fool with his pants on the ground. Give it to him. And by it, I mean both the monthly and a shock collar for Dobermans with which I can unleash nonlethal but potentially crippling doses of electricity.
Legedouche: Lint Diesel, by way of Curvy Carrie. Because if it shaves like a douche, and tongues like a douche, it’s probably a douche.
Merle Baggard: Lint. He’s hoping that if he licks himself he’ll taste like a creamsycle, but reality will be more like bacon grease.
dbBen: Lint Diesel. These guys have a million reasons that they’re not douchebags or that the db life is acceptable. I only need one reason to tattoo a scarlet DB below your navel, and that reason is GSR.
Douchesquire: Lint Diesel and Curvy Carrie FTW. After a weekend trip to the city of brotherly scrote, and having my eyes burned by the sight of so many classic Guido-douches, I am in a full on rage regarding douches of that ilk.
Amerigo Vesdouchey: Lint shows obvious signs of severe narcissism; not uncommon amongst the ‘bags, but his is an especially nauseating case. Note the unbuttoned pants GSR and attempt to fellate himself. And curvie, buxom Carrie is in just the kind of state I like: intoxicated and ready to make some poor decisions. Unfortunately she found herself next to the likes of Lint. Favreau is so not money and doesn’t even know it.
Fyodor Dostedouchesky: Lint FTW. He’s got an inebriated, feral hott and most importantly he is classic club douche.
Whoop-di-douche: LINT, Carrie and Pimpin’ Jon. cuz I SAY SO!! She’s so damn hott, hurricanes use her for refueling their storm surges.
End the Haberdouchery: Lint Diesel FTW. Simultaneously taking off your shirt and pants for a party photo makes you about as classy as Christian Audigier’s tiger, skull, and rose covered bidet. Carrie is delicious, although clearly encourages ass-hattery.
Et Tu Douche: I have to go with Lint Diesel & Curvie Carrie for the win. He encapsulates the whole DB spectrum from the 2 earrings in one lobe, to the GSR, unbuckled pants, chest reveal and most importantly his narcissistic behavior in the presence of such a curvy boozy Hott.
doucheywallnuts: Lint Diesel FTW. Breaking out a new douchebag move – the “Self Lick” – is reason enough to give Lint my vote, but Lint also brings some classic douche cred to the table in the form of the hair, clothes, groin shave, bleeth and jewelery. Lint also offers the underrated – or even ignored – douche accessory, “the non-douche loser side kick.”
Good call, doucheyw., that’s two innovations worth noting. The power of orange groin shave reveal and a curvy boozy bar wench, plus the bonus of drunk Jon Favreau, was too toxic to defeat, and a well deserved slot in the yearly. Coming in a close second, Bernie Schwartz and Kendra:
The Reverend Chad Kroeger: Old Bernie has earned his spot in the monthly by breaking his covenant with the god of Abraham and consuming all the smoked porch beef in New Jersey. As I type on a beautiful Memorial Day, Ezekial weeps and sweet Moses in heaven is breaking his tablets again while l enjoy a banquet of Manechivitz and potato knishes. Bernie is pure poo anf the fourth horseman of the douchepocalypse.
Baleen: gotta go with Bernie the Oldbag because even though his nutsack is hanging low these days, it takes some special cojones to rock the spooge-proof Members Only hazmat jacket and mandanna when your pushing fifty. Juxtapose this with Kendra’s girl-next-door smile, scent of Noxema, and bubbley handwriting, and you’ve got yourself a monthly
mr.reeve: I vote for Bernie the 80sbag. Bernie’s white mandana, white break dancing zipper filled jacket, bad facial hair, gangsta signs and orange skin are just too strong for me to ignore. Plus Kendra is all natural hottness. American Pie hottness and Bernie is pure American Club Scene Douche
Chris in ‘Baghdad: I am sure many will say that Old Bernie cannot run with the young ‘bags, but Kendra is sunshine and apple pie with a bit of Hustler Magazine hiding just underneath. And Bernie is what Samurai Scrote will look like at age 44.
justadouchalo: In the name of equal opportunity, Old Bag Bernie gets the win for answering the question, “What would Bob Dylan look like if he gained 100 pounds and dressed like douche bag?”
Bernie looks like a leading contender for a 2010 Douchie Award, and Kendra is drinkable Hott Tea with lemon. Coming in a solid third, but perhaps losing due to Cameltoe Fatigue (the desire to never see it again is quite reasonable), Night Oranger’s power chord:
Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche: I must go with the Night Oranger and Chrissie. The others bring bile to the throat, but the fact that they chose their outfits to coordinate with the club’s (biggest club in Tallahassee!!!) lighting puts them over the edge for me.
Bagnonymous said: sister Chrissie has been growing on me like an infectious, boner-inducing fungus. Meanwhile, the Night Oranger has caused a burning sensation when I pee–and it looks like Tang®, too.
uscrascal: you really can’t beat the eccentricity of the Night Oranger. spray tan, wax chest, package hugging white pants, and jerry curl… what a combo!! definitely, FTW!!
my friends call me @$$hole: Night Oranger cause if i gotta’ see a picture of his cameltoe and not hers i’ma’ be pist, we gotta’ keep an eye on these two till we get to the REAL pics of Chrissie no matter how much it may hurt…
Mr. Biggs: Night Oranger. Fresh young adventurous hott trapped in a young pile of pure taint … it is a coupling like this which is the cause of all the other couplings you see below. If the young hotts didn’t fall for douchebags like NO, there would be no men constantly pumping iron at the gym in the hopes of getting the hott.
Paul Muad’douche, the Kwisatz Scroterach: Orange Ranger has a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the tradition of American douchebaggery. He has a dream that one day, America will live by a new credo, one of groin shaving and mandanas for all. Orange Ranger has a dream that one day, in the pool at the Mandalay Bay, the children of Ed Hardy-wearing meatheads and the children of patchouli-reeking stonerbags will be able to sit down at the bar of brotherhood, and slip roofies to girls in the same batchelorette party. Orange Ranger has a dream that one day his children will live in a country that judges them not by what color of orange their skin is, but by the content of their male camel toe.
The Ranger will definitely be up for “Orangest Orange” in 2010. And in a solid fourth place, the classic Jerz Guid of Flex Luthor:
Big Tony Ventresca: I vote for #4, Jennifer and Flex Luthor, because he’s wearing eye shadow, which automatically catapults him into the lead in my book.
woj: He has passed years of time in in the ego inflating environment of the “gym” picking up on ‘cougs, spotting other bro-bags for squats, and harassing poor innocent girls like Jen (look how she mocks him to her friends). his douche attitude is literally ingrained in every ounce of muscle on his body. there is no hope. He is greater than the others.
Anthony LaBaglia: being short and Italian, orange-red in color, flexing muscles at an inappropriate time/place, hanging out in an establishment with a thousand fucking t.v.s, some kind of studs sewn into the aforementioned gay shirt, camo indoors at night, dick-sucking lip expression… Phlex FTW.
Düsseldouche: i can´t believe jennifer and flex are losing that badly, they are definitely my choice.. jenn´s right arm is alright with me, while flex´s right arm, well, does not look alright. although i´m more worried about his bursting head (or is detonating head the right word? me not from us and a, sorry…)
Classic Jerz Douche these days just don’t carry what Bourdieu describes as “Cultural Douche Capital,” in the wake of televisual Jersey mock. This month, it’s the Lint’s time to lick into the Yearly. Lets let ehcuodouche take us home:
Gonna have to go with Lint in the monthly. The rest of the candidates give their picture a center of focus. Flex gets you to look at his guns, Bernie has the fantastic pairing of leather jacket and face. Night Oranger has the Cyndi Lauper theme music. But in Lint’s picture I don’t know what to look at. “Whoa, groin shave reveal.” “Look at the cans on that bimbo.” “What is wrong with that dudes’ face?” “Is he licking his own tit?” “How does she fit into that dress?” “No seriously does that guy have any teeth?” “She’s totally gonna get date raped.” “Ugh, and the pants are already unbuttoned.” So, Lint, for destroying all possibility of coherent photographic composition with his douchiness.
And there it is. Great work to all who voted, and while you didn’t hear it from me, my show just got picked up for a third season! So lets celebrate with tasty HoHos. And we’ll see Lint, Carrie and Douchey Jon Favreau at the Yearly in December.
Monday, May 24, 2010HCwDB of the Month
Staring at images of tropical island pseudo-intellectualism and Jack Bauer torturing people may be entertainment for some. I prefer to mock a choad and fondle a hottie anklet. So lets fire up the real social change, hottie/douchey style. Bring it.
Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Night Oranger and Chrissie
The orange.
It burns.
The flamethrower. It does nothing.
And lets not forget Night Oranger’s greased up shirtless macking on Chrissie in pic #2.
The ‘Ranger brings 80s power ballad scrotery to this jam band karaoke onslaught.
And Chrissie is delightful, even more so in pic #2 when she washes off the Dorothy kink and takes off the granny pants.
That’s some quality HC and DB. But enough to win the Monthly?
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Lint Diesel, Curvie Carrie and Pimpin’ Jon Favreau
Lint is all that is orange, chest shaven and groin exposing about where our society has collapsed in 2010.
Curvy Carrie is drunk, boozy, and will totally make out with you if you listen to her complain about what a bitch her roommate is for 45 minutes first.
Together, they make elephantiasis of the nadsack in National Geographic pictures.
The desire to lick one’s own chest, even if it is a misbegotten attempt at ass pear bite, is a noteworthy douche move in a year without notable new gestures emerging. So for that, this pic deserves highlight.
Jon Favreau just wants to pretend to be humble and regular while cashing the Iron Man 2 checks.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Old Bernie Schwartz and Kendra
We haven’t had a true Oldbag make it this far in awhile, and Old Bernie Schwartz brings tri-vag chin pubes and pleather jacket to the fight.
Kendra is pure giggle with a dash of pout, and I would honor her genetics by reading her dirty limericks, making her listen to Barry White, and then humping her stuffed animals in the linen closet while she was out picking up her cat from the animal hospital after Mr. Sparkles hurt his moomoo on the drapes.
Yup.
No idea what I’m saying.
But Bernie’s a douche. And Kendra is clearly hott fondle. But douche/hott enough to win the Monthly and compete in the Yearly? There’s one more to consider:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Flex Luthor and Jennifer
This Bro Flex brings classic Jerz meathead to the game.
Unfortunately in the age of T.V. Jerz Guido Douchebag mocking, the desire to mock these twatwaffles on the site has gone down. Instead I’ve noticed a trend for us to focus on alternative douche, rather than classic douche lately.
Which makes sense. Just as music trends change, the classic Jerz Guid will lose resonance as a cultural object of scorn.
But still. This bro needs mocking.
And Jennifer is gum snapping annoying-hott, which is its own form of hottness that cannot be denied even if it can be resented.
So them’s your four.
Which is potent enough, toxic enough, and noteworthy enough to deserve to call itself HCwDB of the Month and earn its slot at the 2010 Douchie Award HCwDB of the Year competition in December?
Help a brotha out, since I woke my ass up early to write this post and feel sad if you don’t vote. So vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Thursday, May 13, 2010Honorary Douchebag of the Month: The Times Square Wannabomber
Well, yeah, Faisal Shahzad is a douche for trying to set off a bomb. But he’s really a douche for what the A.P. uncovered in the subsequent investigation:
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The adjoining hobby room was empty – but landlord Stanislaw Chomika said it was once dominated by Shahzad’s pet project: A scale wooden replica of a mosque, now seized by federal officials.
The terror suspect’s most obvious nods to Western culture were a well-worn Mets cap and a can of Axe body spray – a favorite of teenage boys.
He had no TV or radio but owned a DVD of the hit George Clooney movie “Up In The Air.”
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Axe Bodyspray and “Up In the Air.” We missed the warning signs.
Saturday, May 8, 2010Honorary Douchebags of the Month: People Who Use the term "Jump the Shark"
Also those who use “nuke the fridge,” “I know, right?” and the most odious of recent linguistic hipsterisms, referring to red haired people as “Gingers.”
Enough, people.
Don’t make me bring back “have some.”
Saturday, May 8, 2010Honorary Douchebags of the Month: People Who Use the term “Jump the Shark”
Also those who use “nuke the fridge,” “I know, right?” and the most odious of recent linguistic hipsterisms, referring to red haired people as “Gingers.”
Enough, people.
Don’t make me bring back “have some.”
Wednesday, March 17, 2010HCwDB of the Month: Grillzilla and Lady Gwendolyn
While the three other contestants in the Monthly brought consistency, multiple douche pics and variations on scrotal theme, Grillzilla and Lady Gwen powered by them on the strength of one single, toxic, hottie/douchey pic. Which is pure testament to its power of pudd.
The voters speak:
Dicy: I’m going to have to go with Grillzilla. He pisses me off with his stupid teeth and lame ass sleeve. How the hell does he even get girls to come near him?Also Lady Gwendolyn is all that is good and sweet in the world. I would be her best friend and ask her to have a sleepover at my place so I could French braid her lovely hair.
Amerigo Vesdouchey: My vote goes to Grillz and Gwen. By far, this pic exhibits the most powerful dichotomy. And by powerful, I mean depressing, perplexing, confounding, aggravating, and nauseating. Gwen appears to be a sweet woman of sound judgement and above averages looks, but somehow is impressed by this putrid clown. If I don’t laugh, I’ll cry; so I cry.
End the Haberdouchery: Grillz. Because it’s 2010 and even Paul Wall thinks grillz are stupid now. He has moved on to icing out codpieces.
Fatness: Grillz is what should be at the bottom of a toilet bowl.
Medusa Oblongata: This time I must go with the pairing that confuses my lizard brain the most and that would be Grillzilla and Lady Gwendolyn. It’s like a grizzly bear with ballet slippers. It doesn’t fit and the delicate little thing is going to get shredded. Grillzilla FTW.
Flounder: all I see when I look at this choad is a horrible parody of the Bond villain, Jaws. All we can hope for is Richard Kiel to track him down and show him how a proper metal mouth man should behave. Then like in Moonraker he will fall for and save poor Lady Gwendolyn from her fate of being sacrificed for an new Affliction shirt.
Anonne Huntress: Grillz has to take it. Your kind of doucheosity, you can mostly wash off or hide, but the stuff Grillz did to his mouth and ear are just offensive. Grillz for the monthly.
Scott: Grillzilla. And his dentist.
Wedgie: Grillie gets the nod in a squeaker over Quiz Roid. And by squeaker, I mean that high-pitched, Chuck-Mangione-hitting-a-high-C-note fart.
Big: After an extensive period of “consideration”, I have to go with Grillz, because his pained smirk actually makes it seem his alloyed dental work actually causes him physical discomfort, which I can only celebrate with a vote for his exalted ludicrosity.
Em: Grillz. I puke, therefore he’s dousche.
Mr. Scrotato Head: Grillz are about as fresh as sleeveless flannel shirts, zebra seat covers in a ‘92 Honda Civic, or Lady Gaga’s gooder. And nothing says douchebag more than photobombing the camera with your lips peeled back like fruit leather and your sweet hotness playing “Deal or No Deal” with the pointy finger and all. Because, you know, under normal circumstances you don’t even realize someone has a grill in until the stink of last week’s calcified leftovers hits you in the face like a corner kick from David Beckham. Oh wait, he’s done…and SO ARE GRILLZ!
Well dissected, team. The pure wrongness of sweet, ass-graby worthy feminine purity and asstastic pseudo-rebellious suburban doucheclownery was too much to ignore. Coming in a solid second place, the Euro performativity of Quiz Roid and Princess Lickmah:
El Caganer: Princess Likmah is the gal for me. No “look” is too ridiculous for her to find it un-attractive. I now have found a use for that robot costume, I made out of carboard and tin foil. Princess Lickmah and the Quiz man for the win.
Mr. White: I’ll go with Quizroid, because Princess Lickmah makes my pants hobbit feel like a mighty ent.
Justin: Quiz Roid FTW! You can’t make the “tough-guy” face whilst donning fuckin’ candy-raver bracelets, Quizzy. ‘Nuff said.
I thought Quiz Roid had a shot at the Yearly with his epic run of stone-face, but it was not to be. Coming in third and fourth (dis)respectively, but with solid support, were David Crapperfield and Rachel Hottowitz, and Captain Rehab and Luane, who were too skanked out to really contend.
Horace Dangleballs: David Crapperfield and Rachel. All worthy contestants this month, but the bizarre combo of an over-methadoned Ray Liotta zombie, plus the voodoo mama that made him, plus Rachel being the only female with an inkling of fear or distaste in her expression… how could I go against all that?
Jurassic Douche: David Crapperfield is my pick. That is what happens when the average fratdouche is fed a diet of Douche Nine enriched corn and beans.
jonezy: Luane and the uber-rott stank infested waters of Captain Rehab for the Monthly. Although her boobs are spaced like down-syndrome eyes, her Hott is still enticing, no matter how skanktastic. Have American Indians not suffered enough that these douches must desecrate their traditions in a rude attempt at spectacle and “style”?
Cock-a-doodle-douche: What I don’t like about voting for Crapperfield is that it might result in him sticking around. I’d much rather make him disappear. Regardless, I give my vote to Crapperfield. Ugh.
Colossus of Choads: Captain FTW. He’s the only one who clearly is douched-to-the-nines in conflict with his environment, he has no intention of going swimming, and that’s just sickening.
Fat, Drunk and Douchey: David Crapperfield FTW. Sometimes a douche is more than the sum of his parts. And somethimes he is exactly the sum of his parts. And his parts scream Douchebag!
little beaver: Captain and Luanne. I want to invite Luanne to the Tribeca film festival. While I don’t have tickets, I do have access to a Subaru Tribeca. We could watch movies on DVD in a secluded parking spot. I imagine that after a night in a car with Luanne, it would need to be reported stolen and torched on the side of the road. Isn’t that what insurance is for y’all.
Nicely played, little beav. But the power of douche grills in the presence of sweet suckle thigh is what this site is all about. Lets let doucheywallnuts take us home:
It’s got to be Grillzilla…I didn’t vote for him as a DBotW, but I am a big enough man to admit my mistake. As I see him juxtaposed against the other colossal douches he is clearly worthy of the DBotM honor. He has the body, tatts, gear, shirt, accessories and bleeth – in short he surpasses all the other candidates, worthy as they may be. Crapperfield is a close second, and perhaps if he wore an Affliction shirt or some other label to give him the mark of the douchebag he may have gotten my vote. Quiz doesn’t have the build and neither does Capt Rehab, and Rehab’s chick is more bleech than bleeth. And so it’s Grillzilla for DBotM and an early nominee for DBotY.
Well argued, DW. And while the voting was light since the site moved (many are still updating RSS feeds), a worthy contender to take on Stackhouse in the Yearly has been found. Grillzilla is all that is the monstrous id of douchescrotery. And your humble narrator will now gnaw on Gwen’s shoulder in celebration of her victory. And by victory, I mean humpty hump.
Monday, March 15, 2010HCwDB of the Month
The HCwDB of the Month. The moment we select our next finalist for HCwDB of the Year to join the inglourious doucheterd, Stackhouse. Which coupling is most foul and heinously devoid of merit to warrant Monthly victory(loss)?
Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Captain Rehab and Luana
Luane gets around, and around and around.
Ubiquitous Luane even swam away with Corporal Faux after her win.
So our first coupling offers us a pic of ubertaintosity detracted by what we can only generously describe as a “skank hott.”
As you all know, true hottie/douchey HCwDB Enlightenment occurs only when the sweetest of gnawable suckle thigh is tainted by the greasiest of colonic clownitude.
This pic may not have the purest of dialectics to meditate and ruminate.
But it does have Cleavite Boobies. And librarian glasses.
And the nastiest water this side of a Turkish bath.
And really, the giant Close Encounters Hair Peak in water really needs to be appreciated for the choice of spectacle-hair in a location in which swimming implies the hair will get wet and therefore lose any shape intended for it.
This deserves to be fully appreciates for its choadwankitude.
Anyone can grease up hair at the clubs. Only the true anusdouche can do so in a public swimming environment.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Grillzilla
Some posit that potential Rockstar Leniency Rule might be invoked, given this turd’s role in some band I’ve never heard of. Lets shut this down right now.
No RLR granted. Period. End of story.
This is douchosity outside of performativity, and deserves full mockage.
Unlike Luane, Lady Gwnedolyn brings sweet, innocent sweetness innocence to the equation.
As such, we read her poems by Wordsworth to her as we lie under willow trees, and then we hump her purse like a cracked up beagle in heat when she’s buying an ice-cream from the local street vendor, Juan.
And Juan rolls his ice-cream stand away as quickly as possible.
Because he’s disturbed by our purse humping.
And can you blame him?
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: David Crapperfield and Rachel Hottenstein
2010 has seen a distinct theatrical quality brought to ubersquat strategy to fondle the neck nuzzle hotts like Rachel here.
Yet, as with Grillzilla, no RLR is granted.
This is theatrical magical douchebaggery.
But it is every bit as mockworthy as the Orange uber-guidos of yesteryear.
And Rachel is delightful real world suckle thigh.
She is therefore to be appreciated with applause and knee fondle.
I have nothing else to add to this pic.
But I still can’t align images properly.
So I have to keep writing text to create enough of a block to insert the next pic.
Letting me HTML my blog is like letting a chimp fly the space shuttle.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: The Quizzical Hemorrhoid and Princess Lickmah
The Quiz Roid made a strong uberdouchey impression in early 2010. Witness the run:
Makin’ the Douche Face. Popping a squat. Party Pile.
The run of stone-face consistency rivals some of our classic Hall of Scrote members like Peaches and E-Blo.
But the run, like DiMaggio’s 57 game hit streak, eventually had to come to an end, and it did when Quiz Roid broke out the grin with the Baja Boyz.
Quiz Roid, like David Crapperfield, is performative taintlickery.
The Princess, like the Lady, is Neverending Story hott all growns up.
Some argue performativity detracts from the douchey spectacle.
I say, “Ha!” Because I like to make short, brief, unexplained grunt statements.
But is it enough to win the monthly?
Vote, as always, in our brand spankin’ new comments threads.
Monday, October 5, 2009HCwDB of the Month
You know what needs to be done.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Mack the Nozzle and Francine
What more can be said?
Pierced up and ridiculously tatted reality TV something-or-other uberclown meets sweet n’ hotter blonde Popsicle hott in a garment rending collision of taint.
It’s like the WWE Smackdown of hottie/douchey commingling.
And what of pics 2, pic 3 and pic 4?
It is the dance of choad.
The Clash of the Tit-ans.
Yeah, I just wrote “Clash of the Tit-ans.”
Because I’m ready to get down on the metaphoric pun dance floor.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Crabs McGee and Minnie Von Shtup
Groin Shave Reveal. GSR may be one of the most depressing new douchal innovations of 2009. And Crabs brings it with backpack, single white glove, and ridiculously overdeveloped abs.
Energy suppliment ad or no, this pic offers just way too much visible taint-line to not be mocked unmercifully.
Or is that unmercilessly?
Hells, I don’t know.
I do know that I would do naughty things to Minnie’s neck area using only chopsticks and special kimchi dishes prepared in rural South Korea.
Minnie has scoliosis? Perhaps.
But I would forgive her her skeletal difficulties and discuss whether it was Joyce or Borges who truly ushered in the limits of subjectivity in modern literature. She would think I was pretentious, which of course I am. And then I would hump her leg.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: The Hipsterbag, aka Hipster Frank
It is not easy downgrading from the uberspectacle HCwDBs of our first two finalists to this real world scrotal pudwhack.
Hipster Frank is nothing outrageous. But that only makes his pudholery more mock worthy.
Brenda and Wanda are real world ladies, with sultry brunette Brenda bringing Quartasian hottness to the mix.
Notice the jangley bling. The d-neck shirty. The glasses at night.
Do not underestimate real world pooery. It may not be pro spectacle like our first two choices. But it is in many ways even more insidious.
Williamsburg? Austin? The Mission in San Francisco? Enclaves of Hipster douche. You’re on notice. HCwDB will mock your ass for throwing that cheez-it game, just as we mock the Jerz Puds.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Shiny Head Sheldon and Sienna
Our second “real world” HCwDB, or perhaps a schrod who operates liminally, between Hipsterbag reality and Crabs McGee spectacle.
SHS brings two factors that make him the official dark horse with a chance of upset in this contest:
1. Enough bling jangle to annoy Hellen Keller.
2. The ultra tasty purity of Sienna, burning brightly singing songs about bluebirds and cupcakes and thigh rubbing.
Notice SHS’s shiny-ass head.
Notice the douche-sneer.
Punch your monitor yet? You will. Keep staring.
So them’s your four. Two performative spectacle dress-up douches with bottle blonde princesses. Two “real world” douches with real world hott brunettes (and one BFF).
What to do, what to do? Who shall win the coveted slot in the Yearly at the 2009 Douchie Awards in December?
That, fellow hunters and huntresses, is why I rely on you. It’s why I got my ass up early today to write this. Do not let me down. Vote, as always, for your choice in the comments thread.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008HCwDB of the Month: Acey Douchey
Once again, an epic discussion thread and vote from all our ‘bag hunters. For those who don’t like pop-ups, it can be read here.
Staged or not, faked or no, A.D. and the Cabana Hotts were a combination too hottie/douchey to be denied.
But before I turn it over to the voters, let me just add that while there may be some DJ irony at work in this pic, no one, and I mean no one, goes to this much trouble without cultivating the very uberdouche they’re playing with.
tag’em and bag’em: Acey- I heard someone say this earlier …but iam going to repeat it…. The dude has one glove on!!!
ms. east: I vote is for Acey Douchey. He makes my skin crawl. Even a month later. F@#king douche.
de-ouche ex machina: I went back and forth between Old Chap and X-Lax until upon deeper investigation of Acey Douchey I noticed that he is trying to impress me with $32. Take that gun that you clearly don’t know how to handle and shoot thyself Acey because you just got my vote for Douchebag of the Month.
chuck jones: Acey is a living halloween costume.
buffy the scrotebag slayer: Oh hell. I forgot about Acey Douchey. My poor brain must have eradicated his image from my memory in order to prevent any permanent damage. Alas, he has returned to me, with his one glove in tow as well. I don’t see how he couldn’t win the monthly. As the saying goes, “There is an ounce of truth in every joke.” Even if this photo was staged, he is still an epic douche.
marita: Inventory: gun, wad o’cash, giant stupid watch, vodka, one girl with 7 STDs, one girl who needs to go back to her Business Management class, headphones, one biker glove?, a…. playing card… in his mandana…? I think this choadskin is making new waves in douchebagdom. Actually, I don’t think he’s real. It’s the only way I can sleep at night. But he has my vote.
crocodile douchedee: Acey Douchey needs his kissy lips ripped off with a cheese grater…He’s on a different level and deserves the monthly.
homoerectus: acey douchey. God, I hate the kissy lips. Plus the gun, the glove, the per diem and his hotts are really hot. By hot, I mean slutty.
The debate will rage on into the 2008 Douchies as Acey Douchey and the Cabana Hotts vie for the ultimate hottie/douchey prize.
But, stepping in for Fung, who jumped straight to our hallowed Hall of Scrote, The Old Chap and Tweety Librarian Hott found fans. shamspear the magnificent explains:
I’m going to have to vote for Old Chap. Everyone’s been saying that he isn’t douche enough, but he has chest stubble for Christs’ sake. They say he’s just trying to be ironic, but people who are doing that usually show some kind of embarrassment or awkwardness. He’s not smiling nor does he look ashamed of himself. He looks like a Doucheasaurus.
Indeed he does, StM. marmadouche agrees:
Old Chap. Like I growled on another posting, he is an insult to whippets and Italian greyhounds everywhere with that skinny-ass body and cabana blue and white stripe Speedo. At least he’s not smiling. His hottie librarian mistress is though, but nobody is sure why. I’d like to chew on her glasses and hump her thighs.
Yes. I too would like to “chew on her glasses and hump her thighs.” Well put, marm. And don makes the case for The Short Boat, which also found solid support:
On the other hand, The Short Boat he cannot contain his douchiness because it is a singularity with his inner being…it emanates from his Qi…he is a genuine douchebag. In two, five, ten years…alas, in twenty when he is coaching his little sperm puke’s soccer team he will still be standing on the sidelines as douchey as ever. We do not select the winners, they select us: The Short Boat. P.S. By the way, did you notice those eight melons in the boat? Egads!
Yes. Yes I did notice those eight mellons on the boat. And Kenny agrees: shortboat FTW, cause how can he ignore the beautiful fawn of the brunette in the back. I would sing her love songs in indonesian dialects just for a chance to catch her attention a few moments.
Well sung, Kenny.
Poor X-Lax. So little support in the monthly for the orange every-choad. kiernotkier explains why Acey Douchey gets the prize:
I have to go with Acey Douchey. He has so many of the trademark DNA strands of douche: chin pubes, kissy lips, the double headlock of hots, shirtlessness, Bono-esque sunglasses, oversized bling, mandanna and the bottle of vodka/point at the camera combo.
Plus he has some new additions that I am sure will catch on in the douche book clubs and mensa meetings this season: card sticking out of mandanna, one biker glove and a handgun.
He is like this year’s model douchebag that all the Bleeths want to receive under their Christmas tree. It’s the same old douche as last year but with new packaging and a few additional accessories that trick the Bleeth into thinking it’s new and improved while it is still just orange and pooey.
Great work from everyone who took time out to vote. But only one coupling could triumph, and that coupling is Acey. We’ll see his gun totin’ pseudo-staged ass in the Yearly.
