HCwDB
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Wednesday, November 18, 2009
HCwDB of the Week: Robopud
A subtle pic when it first appeared, the power of Robopud’s “Ayyy!” hand gesture and GSR (Groin Shave Reveal), plus the Giggle Hottness of Mona and Kate, was too pungent an HCwDB combo, and took the Weekly.
The voters speak:
Wedgie: I gotta go with Robopud. GSR is an automatic vote getter in my book. Like Baggie a couple of weeks ago, the newest douchie maneuver tops all others in pushing my gag reflex. What could be worse than a man who is not preparing for a hernia operation intentionally shaving his crotch? Nothing.
08armydoc: Robopud, hands down. The abs say it all – if someone puts that much effort into his *abs*, how much effort does he have for the rest of his life? Ie, that last workout left him too tired to even smile. And to have that little body fat in order to show off said abs, he eats fewer calories than the slutty bookends.
Genital Electric: The Robopud. For his Hotts are the hottest, and his swim trunks have demonstrated their disgust over the GSR by vomiting their innards like a tired sea cucumber.
Patrick: Robopud. GSR, Bag Pouty Face, Stupid Hand Gestures, shirt hanging out of the trunks, stupid oversized sunglasses. Very hott hots. The pud wins, but we all lose.
The Donger: I have to go with Robopud and his hotts. They would all be stars if Paul Verhoeven decided to re-shoot “Robocop” and “Showgirls” together as a single indie arthouse film, though I would much prefer Robopud get run over with a steamroller while he just feature the girls in a movie called “Alabama Piledrivers #3.”
Bourbon Bill: Robopud ftw. He has come from the future to help proliferate the GSR to new levels. Who else could have known it was a great place to hang a shirt? Robots, that’s who
miss leigh: robopud!!! the hotts are hot and the douche is douchey!
End the Habedouchery: At some point in his worldly travels he decided “You know what? This shirt would look better hanging out of my shorts. That way I can show off my sweet abs.”
French for Shower: The Robopud kind of sneaks up on you. It’s hard to see just what a Douche he is because of the poor exposure but on close inspection the guy is an uberdouche. Warning don’t look to closely at his manscaping it’s horrifying.
Massengill: Gotta give it to Robopud for best impression of ED-209 by a douche.
Filthy McBaggin: Robopud. GSR has clearly become the province of the truly narcissistic Bag. Even with the welding shield on, I can see the self absorbed look on his face. He’s not happy to be there, he thinks those Bleeths are his birthright. I’ll bet he also thinks male porn stars are, well….stars.
Jessica: I like Robopud the most. He’s kind of an everydouche himself, but I love the girls, especially Mona, with her great ass, side-swept hair and glasses tilt. She reminds me of an 80s beer commercial, which makes me happy
Mmmm… Jessica bringing the sapphic imagery on this Wednesday morning. Good round on voting and excellent points all around. And by all around, I mean GSR makes me weep for the future.
Coming in a solid second, and nearly taking the prize, was the ridic Salt Licker and white glove:
Mr. Scrotato Head: Salt Lick for the win because someone in Interpol needs another opportunity to see this pick, show it to Franz and Helga, and ask in perfect Belgian dialect, “Heir Kruger, Frau Kruger, is this your daughter?” At which point Frau Kruger will burst into shieks of anguish and tears will roll down Franz’s face as he nods in stunded silence.
Anonne Huntress: Salt Lick ftw. If the only way you can get a barely legal chick while looking like that is to drug her until she can barely stand, you are a douche of epic proportions.
El Queso: I say it once, I say two times: Salt Lick Crew effects douchebag re-enactment of Rembrandt’s masterpiece, “The Night Watch”. and some dang screwball sour mash Kentucky poon-tang, aged in the finest hollers the backwoods can offer, a bona-fide 15 years.
El Caganer: I have to vote for Salt Lick. He has those goofy Mickey Mouse like gloves and spiky hair with a touch of dried bird poo. He also has the barely legal hott collection. His hotts are nice and slutty, just the way I like them.
Desert Douche: Salt Lick FTW. The gloves, the attempt at making seagull shit a fashionable hair trend, the under-age drunk girl who snuck out of the house to go to this slammin’ party and his hanger-on Sancho Panza make me want to rub salt in my open wounds.
Vin Douchal: He looks like he’s peeing on his leg at the bowling alley as he readies himself for a shot at a 300 game and greatness in his own mind.
And a solid third place belonged to the Dissected Frog:
AV: The Frog’s hair is a registered lethal weapon in three states. And he has been banned from riding blimps and hot air balloons in all fifty. Plus, his hott, Angelica, has an exotic quality that rouses my loins; more so than the other hotts. I hope he gets eaten by an alligator while riding a log to his home.
Publius Choadius Naso: Frogger FTW. Manicured chin pubes and eyebrows are enough to call douche on, but the emo affectations juxtaposed with the street (in)cred matching tats and t-shirt put him over the top in this weekly. And bouncing between all of that black and white stuff–hair, shirt, hott garb–adds an extra layer of poo to the swirling vortex of HCwDB.
Justin: My vote goes to Froggy. He has the outrageous hair spike, the chin dribble, the smug facial expression, the incomprehensible gang sign-like hand gestures, and he has pretty hot babes around him. Oh, and plucked eyebrows. Fuck you Froggy.
DoubleBock: With a nod and a shocker salute to F. Scott Fitzgerald’s quote, “There are no second acts in American Lives”, I vote Dissected Frog/Alpaca Farm Head for the win. His glorious return from the trash heap of history to the HCwDB weekly should inspire us all.
Well said, D.B., the ‘Frog reminds us that ‘bags on this site never really go away. They just pose again.
But as we gear up for the 2009 Douchies and vote in these smaller contests, Robopud, Mona and Kate had the hottal/douchal goods to take the prize. Lets let Bob take us home:
One vote for Robopud. He’s got the Dumb Hair, he’s got a little Meaningless Bling, he’s got the GSR, he’s got the Overdeveloped Abs, he’s got the Oversize Mirrored Sunglasses. All good and worthy ‘bag attributes. But mostly, he’s got those hotts. Mona, the one with the Side Ass profile? I would cockpunch a football field full of adorable penguins just for the opportunity to gargle the discarded water used to wash that bikini she’s wearing.
Well said on the hotts, Bob. Those football field penguins deserve their cockpunch. Given the short Monthly, Robopud may just sneak in and snag one of the coveted Yearly positions in a few weeks. For now, we laugh at his groin shave, and appreciate Mona’s curves. Excellent work to all who voted, and I get cereal now.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009The Cure For Constipation
1. Put on your cheapest Ed Hardy
2. Lean over a well endowed lady friend’s boobs (for inspiration)
3. Flex intensely
4. Make “The Kissy Lips”
5. Squeeze
Tuesday, November 17, 2009Pootiny on the Bounty
I’m convinced that, in many of the rural regions of this country, owning a small boat on a lake is like owning a Lamborghini in Miami.
It is vehicular douchosity.
Then again, so are lame Chinese body tatts that order “Beef with Broccoli” in Mandarin while making the “Rocker Horns,” all while the secretarial pool from Initech take the weekend off.
And yes, that’s an Ed Hardy bikini on Shawna on the left.
Or, as I like to think of it, the modern equivalent of Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009Ask DB1: "The Cosmobag"
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DB1,
I was wondering if you could discuss a new trending topic I’ve seen sweeping the douchebag nation.
It’s something I like to call it the “I’m from NY/LA/Miami/Las Vegas” phenomenon.
It seems to me like the cool thing to do now is for douchebags (AND douchebagettes – they may actually be more guilty of this than your typical run-of-the-mill dbag) to claim that they’re “located in” or “are from” a number of big cities where the doucherity flows like wine and the Bleeths flock like the salmon of Capistrano.
Am I missing something?
Do dbags have out of body experiences resulting in their presence in multiple places at one moment in time?
Keep fighting the good fight,
— Saving Private Guido
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What you are referring to, SPG, is the Cosmopolitan scrote, aka “The Cosmobag.” Cosmobags attempt a perpetually distracted and constant Blackberry checking ‘tude that suggests a perpetual “high roller” travel schedule. This implies untold wealth in other cities (not the one they’re in). Multiple homes where they “Run with the Goose” in various sundry party scenarios. That exist only in their imagination.
It is another oblique strategy that marks true douche, and you are correct to highlight its strategic use in the act of nightlife presentation.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009Ask DB1: “The Cosmobag”
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DB1,
I was wondering if you could discuss a new trending topic I’ve seen sweeping the douchebag nation.
It’s something I like to call it the “I’m from NY/LA/Miami/Las Vegas” phenomenon.
It seems to me like the cool thing to do now is for douchebags (AND douchebagettes – they may actually be more guilty of this than your typical run-of-the-mill dbag) to claim that they’re “located in” or “are from” a number of big cities where the doucherity flows like wine and the Bleeths flock like the salmon of Capistrano.
Am I missing something?
Do dbags have out of body experiences resulting in their presence in multiple places at one moment in time?
Keep fighting the good fight,
— Saving Private Guido
—-
What you are referring to, SPG, is the Cosmopolitan scrote, aka “The Cosmobag.” Cosmobags attempt a perpetually distracted and constant Blackberry checking ‘tude that suggests a perpetual “high roller” travel schedule. This implies untold wealth in other cities (not the one they’re in). Multiple homes where they “Run with the Goose” in various sundry party scenarios. That exist only in their imagination.
It is another oblique strategy that marks true douche, and you are correct to highlight its strategic use in the act of nightlife presentation.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009Caption This Pic
Tony’s crop circle hair and face sucking ability inspired M. Night Shyamalan’s latest thriller, “The Hackening.”
Wedding 'Baggers
Da dum da dum… da dum da dum… da dum de scrotes, dum de scrotes, smells like poo poo…
As if the hand gestures weren’t bad enough, out comes the douche poses.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009Wedding ‘Baggers
Da dum da dum… da dum da dum… da dum de scrotes, dum de scrotes, smells like poo poo…
As if the hand gestures weren’t bad enough, out comes the douche poses.
Monday, November 16, 2009Reader Mail: Jennifer's Superdouche Tag
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TO DB1:
These are some pics of douches we met in Seattle’s infamous bar, Amber.
They thought it was necessary to do these outrageous poses for whatever reason. The lights were really dim, and one guy thought he actually pulled off the “just got off the yacht” tanned look. He almost did until we clearly saw his orange face from the flash in the pictures. LOL.
Anyway, let me know if any of these pictures make it onto the blog.
xoxo,
Jennifer
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I don’t know which of these three ladies are you, Jennifer. But I know that this is a quality ‘bag tag, worth at least 350 points on “Douche Hunter,” and so I would thank you. By massaging your temples with melted tuscan chocolates and light, powdered ‘nilla extract.
Until you grew bored and texted your BFF to come over before I went for the boob.
Reader Mail: Jennifer’s Superdouche Tag
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TO DB1:
These are some pics of douches we met in Seattle’s infamous bar, Amber.
They thought it was necessary to do these outrageous poses for whatever reason. The lights were really dim, and one guy thought he actually pulled off the “just got off the yacht” tanned look. He almost did until we clearly saw his orange face from the flash in the pictures. LOL.
Anyway, let me know if any of these pictures make it onto the blog.
xoxo,
Jennifer
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I don’t know which of these three ladies are you, Jennifer. But I know that this is a quality ‘bag tag, worth at least 350 points on “Douche Hunter,” and so I would thank you. By massaging your temples with melted tuscan chocolates and light, powdered ‘nilla extract.
Until you grew bored and texted your BFF to come over before I went for the boob.
