HCwDB
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Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Ask DB1: Blaming the Bleeth?
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Dear DB1,
I’ve been on the site for about a year now…and a question keeps bothering me.
1) If you accept the proposition that women make the ultimate decision who and what they will have sex with. (They are the deciders.)
2) All human males since the genus homo erectus will do just about anything to get into a woman’s pants (gaybags excluded).
3) Doing such requires women to first notice said male.
4) Males must thus act and appear in ways which appeal to said females
The inescapable conclusion is: far from being the Fair Maiden Bleeth’s that you feel sworn to protect…the women on your site are actually the cause for all douchebaggery and uber-scrote-i-tude in the world.
Aren’t the men but pawns and puppets of the Machiavellian conspiracy to demean them brought about by duplicitous women seeking the finding of suitable mates by subjecting them to humiliation as some sort of breeding/culling-of-the-herd exercise?
What say you this, DB1?
– John from Vegas
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This theory presumes individuals acting with independent agency outside of the cultural latticework of social meaning. Market based “product,” brand name as sexual signifier, does not exist without generating cultural capital, as Bourdieu might argue.
Neither the hotts nor the douchebags are individually to blame for this circulation of Ed-Hardyesque craptastic cultural disgrace. Therefore, we mock them for their douchey ways as a form of collective response. By rendering this framework visible here at HCwDB, we challenge hierarchy. For when the overpriced product is marked as ludicrous rather than sexually validating, systemic poo will be flushed.
We must locate the cycle of hottie/douchey reinforcement not at the individual level, but as a broader series of social currency exchanges by which the act of sexual selection is informed by the market system.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009Douche Kits at the Palms
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DB1-
So I’m in Vegas for a work conference and staying at the Palms. Well, each room is supplied with it’s very own douche styling kit. The evidence is enclosed.
Enjoy!
– Palm Sunday
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This is a new trend that warrants monitoring. Like the crack dealer giving out “free samples” to school kids, The free Douche Kit is the new indoctrination method. I received this in a bag at Urban Outfitters after restocking my supply of hilarious mugs a few weeks ago. Unacceptable.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009Polly has a Secret
Can you guess what it is in the comments thread?
EDIT: Yeah, this setup has no punchline. I’m winging it this morning. So to make up for it, here’s some Wednesday Ass Pear.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009Incurring the Wrath of an Angry God
That reminds me.
Now that I’m back in L.A., did I remember to incur the wrath of an angry and jealous God?
I’m talking fires. Mudslides. Earthquakes. John Mayer douche-face. Surely the God of Abraham, Isaac Mizrahi and Marc Jacobs has had quite enough of civilization’s indulgences.
The Big Kahuna in the sky sees this pic and toys with the notion of a second flood. And can we blame him?
Or, like Lot before me, can I appeal to God’s appreciation for boobie hottie suckle thigh? Can I save Los Angeles from the the spreading dangers of Paris Hilton petri crotch, Jeremy Piven’s toupee achieving self awareness and starting WWIII, and Mylie Cyrus’s achy breaky future role as the leader of Generation Zombieland?
Yup. I’m makin’ no sense. I’m gettin’ a coffee.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009Vacancy: Single Headroom for Rent
Speaking of lifeless zombie expressions, this Headspace just came on the market.
Unused. Like new. Lots of space.
Blonde Bonnie is thinking of switching realtors.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009"Guy Faux Day"
Clearly the students visiting England from Arizona State did not quite grasp the concept of Guy Fawkes Day.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009“Guy Faux Day”
Clearly the students visiting England from Arizona State did not quite grasp the concept of Guy Fawkes Day.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009Fish Slap Slaps Smoot
HCwDB legend Fish Slap laughs at Smoot.
“Until you win HCwDB of the Year, your lifeless facial expression in presence of a boobie hottie is as complex as the bottom of my recently sagging six-pack star tatt.” says ‘Slap.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009Smoot Voted
Smoot and Crystal just voted in the HCwDB of the Week.
And then Smoot laughs at each of the three wannabe contenders. For none have the power of Smoot.
And by “laughs,” I mean shows no facial expression or any sign of higher consciousness whatsoever.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009HCwDB of the Week
Dust off your parkas. Fire up your George Foreman Grill. The Labor Day weekend is over. There are ‘bags to be derided and suckle thighs to be ogled.
Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Shiny Head Sheldon
Although this coupling ran only a few days ago, during the ebb of Labor Day Weekend, something about it strikes me as Weekly deserving.
Maybe it’s SHS’s sheeny forehead and smug douche-smirk.
Maybe the unbuttoned shirt, the too much bling and awkward lime fondle.
But mostly it’s Tiny Little Sienna. Her awkward smile betrays the fear that she’s chosen poorly on her Friday night.
And that is the essence of the narrative of HCwDB, personified in their two divergent facial expressions.
Take a good look. For while this coupling is less garish and over the top, this is true HCwDB taint choad.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Punchy McGee
Punchy is your classic Frat Clown using a crypto-gay look to score with the ladies via what we can euphemistically call the “back door strategy.”
Karla and Marla are enamored with his giant pink popp, fwippy hair and ringlet of chin pubes.
Well, Karla is.
Not sure if Marla thinks he’s “adorable” or wants to smack him with a frying pan.
Lets hope it’s the latter.
For bringing back the Pink Pop of 2007, and for two sexy cute Sorority Girls, Punchy makes the Finals.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Brothabag Mason
Brothabag Mason earns his slot in the Weekly on the power of the new douchal innovation: Fro Faux.
Also known as “Fraux,” “Brohawk” and “Blackhawk Up.”
But it’s Mason’s thousand yard stare that sends him careening into true scrotitude.
Shawna’s yawning boredom and large gazangahoos render her a Bleeth who invokes the “douchadox.” Both sexy as well as annoying, by which your humble narrator would be forced to give extended considerations to.
And by considerations, I mean awkward backrub fondling using only melted M&Ms, dried frog skins and a powdered wig taken off the corpse of a 19th Century British barrister.
Sadly, a whiny Beach Troll sent me numerous emails all weekend asking for his pics to be taken down, so he’s out. Others who missed the cut include Gangsta Marilyn and Jacqueline and the Beanstalk.
So them’s your three.
Which coupling rises to the top/bottom to call itself HCwDB of the Week?
Do me a solid and vote, as always, in the comments thread.
