HCwDB
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Thursday, May 14, 2009
Melvin The Zebra
Sorry Melvin.
Simply tattooing the location of the Ark of the Covenant on your left pec and wearing the proverbial Raiders cap is not enough to compensate for the zebra pants.
You are not “gangsta.”
Stephanie may giggle coyly. But she still thinks you smell like week old Bodyspray.
Thursday, May 14, 2009Doucheclowns in the 'Lot Part. 3
Continuing our long running series, Doucheclowns in the Lot, (see parts 1 and 2), here’s part 3.
So it seems Vinny, Vinny and Vinny have picked up a Brothabag, a few other Jerz Guids, and a sexy blonde.
Oh, they also picked up the Chylmid.
But that was totally Tony’s fault for saying Carol was all good, bro.
Thursday, May 14, 2009Doucheclowns in the ‘Lot Part. 3
Continuing our long running series, Doucheclowns in the Lot, (see parts 1 and 2), here’s part 3.
So it seems Vinny, Vinny and Vinny have picked up a Brothabag, a few other Jerz Guids, and a sexy blonde.
Oh, they also picked up the Chylmid.
But that was totally Tony’s fault for saying Carol was all good, bro.
Thursday, May 14, 2009Propellerhead
Like March’s HCwDB of the Week Finalist, Blenderboy, Propellerhead asks us to consider the guyliner wearing patchwork emo douche.
With bonus jewelry and “rocker” ‘bag hand gesture. Hmm. This might be a Weekly, seeing as I want to drop-kick his future unborn children.
Hitting on Librarian Sue, who has what I like to call “Midwestern Future Mom But Still Sexy” style.
Sure she’s not coastal hott. But she’s happy to be suckin’ on chili dogs, right outside the Taste-e-Freeze. And don’t discount the reasonable first date bonus when judging the hott.
Thursday, May 14, 2009Ask DB1: The Ubiquitous Red Cup
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Dear DB1,
I have a dilemma on my hand.
Whilst visiting our house during Mother’s Day, my inlaws were kind enough to bring food and beverage for all to enjoy. Unfortunately their choice of disposable cups was the “solo” red and white cup. Yes, the Ubiquitous Red Cup aka URC.
While I know that this is just an ordinary plastic cup, it also signifies so much more. My family isn’t douchey, that was just the arbitrary selection of cup. At first, I wanted to throw the cups into the recycling bin but they are durable and re-useable. At the same time, I just can’t stand them in my house.
I just don’t know what to do with this floating signifier? Thanks for your time.
-Baleen
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The imporance of the URC as organizing structure, as pastiche icon of our HCwDB simulacrum, is simply to fixate on the specific to reveal the projection of the self onto the “Other.”
The solid red color, a primal projection slate. The disposability, an indictment of consumer culture. The lack of name brand, a reminder of the everyday beneath the market branded.
To be reminded of these through this semiotic trigger system is to be awakened from culturally imposed somnambulence. You should thank your parents. For they have inadvertently provided a totem to configure your presence in the real.
Yup. It’s early. I need a coffee.
Thursday, May 14, 2009White Chocolate Milks On
One of the first truly odious international doucherstars to emerge on the site, the wigga taint and hallowed Hall of Scrote member White Chocolate first made his mark with suburban homeboy aplomb back in late 2006.
In internet years, that’s about forty generations of fruit fly. Way back when the Grieco Virus was just reaching critical mass.
Today’s pic is proof positive that White Chocolate carries on. A Typhoid Mary of Taint. A swill of Swine-flu. A lip herp on the face of God.
Even if his lady friend may not be up to standards, she does offer unbutton jean-shorts and wonderful flesh gozangs. And it’s W.C. So I’m going with it.
And don’t whine about the “nott” in the threads. Or I’ll kick a puppy. This is White Chocolate. Respek must be paid. And by Respek, I mean, of course, drunkenly inspired mocking.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009Mandana or Head Wound?
Okay fellow ‘bag hunters, time to play another round of the game that’s sweeping the nation:
Mandana or Head Wound?
Take your best shot in the threads.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009Kegger Dogs
Fratbags to the left of her,
Wankstas to the right,
there she is, stuck in the middle with poo…
The Topographic Arm
I’m just saying, when your arm begins to resemble a tactile topographic map of the Andes Mountains, it may be time to rethink the artificially enhanced pumpitude.
On an unrelated note, lemon sherbet is tasty and good for you. And has boobies.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009Steve Peterson's Night Out
PIC DELETED
Oh, Steve Peterson. Everyone in Accounting loves when you come by the water cooler and do those wacky impressions of Frank Caliendo doing his wacky impressions.
And when you wear that Hawaiian tie on Fridays? The V.P.s in Business Affairs just think you’re a card and a hoot!!
So who are we to judge you for heading to Vegas, corralling a sad PTP Hott, making a deformed “Shocker” hand gesture, and busting the 1980s Jams shorts?
Not I.
For your existential crisis is palpable.
But yer still a douche.
