HCwDB
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Monday, April 27, 2009
HCwDB of the Week
Your humble narrator, The DB1, is washed, shaved and Shamwowed on this Monday Morning. I got my Corn Pops properly milkified. My hangover is rapidly dissipating. The alpacas are fed. The yaks are milked.
But there is work to do, and I need your help. Which of these three pics deserves the Weekly Mock? Here are your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Crimson Goose
It’s about time we get some classic Burnt Jerz Guid back into the mix.
On the left, greasy Jersey douchebag pulling the combo Goose Fondle + Text move.
On the right, tasty Long Island Trashy Hott, all revved up and ready to be ravished.
And the hint of Holy White Triangle? Que bella.
But the topper is the bookshelf wallpaper. Because actual reading is not necessary. Together, you have the vortex of cultural suckage that is the HCwDB plague.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Deep Scrote aka Deep in the Scrote of Texas
Truth is, I have no idea if this is Texas, Chicago, or if Kevin Costner’s producing Field of Dreams II: Boobies in the Outfield.
Alls I know is this is classic hottie/douchey spew.
A double play of douche.
A home run of histamine.
A curveball of taint crud.
A something basebally that begins with the same letter as something douchey.
For roided up smugness, douchey Jesus tatts, and a nasty chin pube infection, Deep Scrote deserves our mock.
For great boobs and a clueless, befuddled expression, Texas Rose deserves our lust.
Together, they make Reece’s Pooses.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Sarah’s Terds
Rarely does a reader ‘bag tag make the Finals, but Sarah’s tagging of these two Orlando Pimpstas deserves its shot.
The girls are Girl-Next-Door Tourist sexy.
The dudes are rocker douche you scrape off the bottom of your shoe. Combined, this is real world HCwDB in all the wrong ways.
They are “peacocking” in the worst Mystery-ified way.
And for that, they deserve our mock. But enough to win the Weekly? That remains to be seen.
I reluctantly eliminated Descending Ass Pear and Poo (props to Blair for the name) for pro-posery and lack of cohabitation. But methinks that pic is a finalist at the 2009 Douchie Awards for Most Likely to be Part of the Permanent Collection at the Guggenheim in 2023 award.
And (dis)honorable mention also goes to Crappy Gilmore, the boatbaggery of Skinny Ted and the franks-n-beans and potential underage hottedness of The Hebrew Hammer. All just missed the cut.
But them’s your three.
Which is worthy?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Sunday, April 26, 2009How to Give George a "Blowout"
There is no hope. Even the mannequins are douching it up.
And when the Guidette says “I’ll hold it for you,” it doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Sunday, April 26, 2009How to Give George a “Blowout”
There is no hope. Even the mannequins are douching it up.
And when the Guidette says “I’ll hold it for you,” it doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Saturday, April 25, 2009Ass Pear La Plante
Many of us were thunderstruck by poetic inspiration after witnessing Friday’s Ass Pear La Plante.
Ass Pear La Plante calls to us. It asks us to step beyond the binaries of race, class and gender, beyond the categories of societal imposition, to consider spectral humanity. The ethereal. The philosophic. The play-doh funbaggery of ass peardom.
Flesh goblets of joy muscle.
Globes of hindquarter.
Bouncy jelly rolls.
They echo through the ages with the spring of youth. A soft, spongey firmness that rebuts the real world impositions of sag, despoiling and decay. Hidden in the dark crevasses between each cheek, we find hope. A future world of singing bluejays and dancing lute players. Rainbows and waterfalls, unicorns and talcum powder butt bongo grabby grab.
Therefore we must pause and appreciate the Ass Pear La Plante, sans douchebag.
For it shows us the way.
Saturday, April 25, 2009Caption This Pic: Buttmunch Edition
Perhaps a Saturday Caption This Pic is in order?
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After their plane crashed into the Vegas strip, the Brazilian rugby survivors had to find a way to stay… alive!
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Tony sniffed again. Yes, he was certain. Yesterday’s lunch had been chili.
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As Frank sank his teeth into her right buttock, Allie contemplated particle/wave duality.
Friday Thoughts and Links
What thoughts bubble up in your humble narrator’s mind on this cloudy, smoggy, Los Angeles Friday?
How women in sparkley dresses make my happy pants do the rumba.
How the genius of Was (Not Was)’s Hello Dad I’m in Jail was about ten years ahead of it’s time.
But most importantly, that as we cascade through the visual maelstrom of kinetic life, we often fail to appreciate the hypothetical potentials some call imagination. It’s not all happening in front of the eyes. That’s what we so often forget to remember. Or, even more sadly, remember to forget.
Here’s your links:
First up, Adam Carrolla does an HCwDB-esque riff on his podcast and bernethy sets it to an actual HCwDB photo montage.
You know what the internet needs like another Arthur Kade? Online Booty Call. “Hey girl. You’re hot like snot.”
Ed Hardy moves into ladies’ underwear.
Animated Gator goes viral in People who look the same in every picture meme. Break.com also features a montage of a Bleeth face.
I don’t know who this douche is, but for using the term “living the dream,” among many other aesthetic violations, he slurps toad taint.
Fish Slap’s Girlfriend. Here’s an actual comment left by the Slap: “Hmmmm…..yeauuupp we def had a moment!!! We a perfeeect match…. Ya huurrdddd!!! Misss yewwwww babeeee!!!! Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo “
Criss Angel calls Perez Hilton a douche. Irony meter saws itself in half.
And finally…
Ass Pear so choice, it gets a French name: Beautiful Ass Pear La Plante.
Friday, April 24, 2009Fratbags and Collar Pop
In late 2008, we thought we’d successfully beaten back two of the nine douchal signifiers I listed in my book; Hat Tilt and Collar Pop.
Both looked like they had finally bitten the dust as, through negative hott reinforcement, they were driven to the fringe. (Only to be replaced with Orangeness and Ed Hardy, opening two new battles on the front lines, sadly)
Yet here we see Fratbaggery continuing the classic ‘bag trends. While mugging Sophie, the cute coed majoring in Econ.
This is troubling. We have work to do.
Sophie needs our help. And by help I mean mocking the choads. And by needs, I mean more beads in boobs.
Friday, April 24, 2009The Whale Peepee
Nothing communicates “fertility” to the female quite like wearing giant sunglasses on your head, and a calcified whale penis around your neck.
Friday, April 24, 2009Friday Haiku
Manuel got paroled,
Nipple pierce scars my psyche,
Sharon paid to pose.
cuddle perky blonde
stabbed in back with Rehab straw
tigress in the sack
— Bag A
Soul patch collects drips
Mandana hides cock’n’balls
Pierced nipple screams “DOUCHE!”
— I am Jack’s greasy mandana
That strain of chin patch
deserves an apt moniker
under-lip Hitler?
— anon Gee Bee
Douchebag looks like Rod.
In first Nightmare on Elm Street.
Tina’s latin dude.
— AV
Thursday, April 23, 2009Caption This Pic
When Mandy joined Kappa Kappa Delta, she soon found out the baddest gangsta on campus was Artie, the neighborhood hairstylist.
EDIT: And the winners…
Third Place — Anonymous: Jamie Kennedy’s last known photo before being put down after going apeshit and holding the stand in’s hostage on set of Malibu’s Mosted Wanted 2: Epic Baggery in the ‘Bu
Second Place — Shamespear the Magnificent: Disney made a horrible mistake when they attempted to make Jamie Kennedy and Thumblina a powercouple.
First Place — jonezy: and on the 14th night of Hannukah, Artie gave Mandy her final gift. Anal.
