HCwDB
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Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Anti-'Bag Aura
Tank actually illustrates the inverse of yesterday’s “Scrotal Aura” in that he’s less douchey than the sum of his parts.
Sure he’s gone the smug grin, the incomprehensible body tatts, the tighty-tight black d-beater, and a spiky hair point.
But his embrace of Banana Daiquiri Lemon Drop is relatively unthreatening. Overall he just comes off as generic. In short, despite so many douchal signifiers, he’s actually less douchey than the math states he should be.
It’s a rare occurrence, and we should take note. And by note, I mean yellow bikini bottoms make the Sultan break into song.
EDIT: Here’s a second pic of Banana Daiquiri Lemon Drop to confirm the uberhott.
EDIT #2: April Fools!! He’s a huge douche.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009Anti-‘Bag Aura
Tank actually illustrates the inverse of yesterday’s “Scrotal Aura” in that he’s less douchey than the sum of his parts.
Sure he’s gone the smug grin, the incomprehensible body tatts, the tighty-tight black d-beater, and a spiky hair point.
But his embrace of Banana Daiquiri Lemon Drop is relatively unthreatening. Overall he just comes off as generic. In short, despite so many douchal signifiers, he’s actually less douchey than the math states he should be.
It’s a rare occurrence, and we should take note. And by note, I mean yellow bikini bottoms make the Sultan break into song.
EDIT: Here’s a second pic of Banana Daiquiri Lemon Drop to confirm the uberhott.
EDIT #2: April Fools!! He’s a huge douche.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009HCwDB of the Week: Doughboy and Gidget
I had a strong feeling this pairing of doughy fried douche and sexy 1950s Housemom would take the prize. And they did, barely overtaking Blenderboy for the win (loss):
F. Scrote Fitzdoucheald: #1 Doughboy & Gidget. I’d like her till she’s sticky.
AV: Oh Gidget. You are the very definition of pleasantly plump. Your ample pillows offer condolence on this wicked Monday morn’. But your taste in men is atrocious. Doughstooge and Sweet Gidget FTW.
Matt: Doughboy and Gidget FTW. She’s a giggly, retro-voluptuous beach vixen. He’s a life-sized Cabbage-Patch Douche. This combination must win.
SkyPork: The Hotts don’t even enter into it. Doughboy is a steaming pile of goose poo. Like, moments after leaving the goose’s asshole. It’s a struggle not to punch my monitor.
Mr. Choad’s Wild Ride: Doughboy’s hott is innocent in a girl-next-door-with-a-talented-surgeon kinda way thus giving rise to a stark douche-hott contrast. Additionally, the chest tat is a douche-eyeball with it’s nipple-pupil piercing my soul and thereby preventing me from mentally photoshopping Doughboy out of this picture. Gidget… I weep for you.
Douche, shower and shave: Doughboy…he is all kinds of infested white skinned, tribal ink dreck. Gidget is all kinds of yummy boobies that make me smile. And boobs.
memphis doucheworkers local 421: Doughboy and Gidget win. Gidget’s 50’s sitcom wholesomeness clashes violently with the utterly rage inducing Fred Durstian rap-rock flabby oiliness of Doughboy here. Throw in a cinderblock-to-the-face deserving sneer of entitlement, plus Critically Endangered Clear Cup (CECC), and your winner is clear.
Anonymous: Gidget because she is all kinds of 1950’s naughty and yes, she has those sweet sweet cans. And Doughboy because he is classic west coast douche.
Earth Girls are Bleethy: Methinks Doughboy has Tulane University’s logo shaved into his chin. Either that or that chancre just won’t heal. Gidget’s rack and creamy thighs are the happy thoughts that enable Peter Pan to fly. Though I wouldn’t wear tights around Gidget. Unless she was into that sort of thing.
But Blenderboy put up a strong showing, proving clashing aesthetics and beanie hair can rankle with the douchiest.
KiernotKier: It has to be Blender boy. It’s been a long time since I have truly and I mean TRULY wanted to slap the shit out of a Weekly finalist. By looking at him, I feel the rage building up “Mr McKee don’t make me angry – you wouldn’t like me when I am angry” style.
Punk/emo/rocker bags I usually laugh off and think there are bigger and better douche to fry but not this time. Between his dyed faux hawk (always a rage inducer), chin pubes, overuse of plaid and stupid slap worthy smug look he has to be this weeks winner.
She is Brooklyn Catholic school girl grown up and rebelling against the nuns hot. She is not Hall of Hott worthy. However, there is something about her that just makes me think impure thoughts that will have the priest give me five Our Fathers for the actions I take upon myself thinking about her. And by myself, I mean my penis.
Douchetopia: I vote for Blenderboy. The clownified hair, the tatt vortex, the idiotic chin pubes, the chick with the big jugs next to him… Nuff said.
Creature: Blenderboy for he is a freak with spray painted on hair & his well rounded hott makes me wanna bang her gong for a week of Chinese new years, speak in the tongues of my dead ancestors & launch a Tet offensive! we would collapse in a pool of sweat & putrid ectoplasm
And some voted strictly for Ass Pear:
Tom Hussein: I vote for the ass pear salad with the douchehead of iceberg lettuce drizzled with an Axe vinagrette dressing.
But Mr. Moneybags brings us home:
i don’t know if i’ve ever been this torn, reading almost the entire comments thread for guidance, but i have to give it to doughboy & gidget… sorry blenderboy, you’ve got the creativity/cringe-worthiness that makes me want to beat you to the ground with a tungsten bat, but it’s gotta be doughboy… gidget’s knockers are succulent masterpieces while doughboy is the reason the mastodon went extinct… after i saw the tribal tat vortex around his left nipple and the straw in his beer it was all over…
And the everpresent Anonymous:
A tough contest between Blenderboy and Doughboy…but in the end, Doughboy reigns supreme. Into the monthly with him.
Into the Monthly they go. Well said everyone, once again massive props to all the excellent dissections in the comments thread. This was one of the most balanced Weeklys in a while, but D&G take the HCwDB prize. And while Doughboy’s moob is rank, Gidget’s boobs promise all of us a better tomorrow.
A tomorrow of Suckle Thigh untainted by Fred Durstian poo.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009Check the Goggs, Bra!!
Broheim!!
Check out these wacky goggs I brought with me, broski!! This party is totally off the hook!!
Hope you two don’t mind that I tagged along on your date, Brosephii!!
It’s all good, Brotinis!!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009Scrotal Aura #624
Here’s yet another classic example of “Scrotal Aura.”
A dude who, other than a strange hair-loss pattern and a d-neck t-shirt, really hasn’t committed any cardinal sins of choadwankery.
Yet something about his smug armlock of Susan eminates the taint of a thousand unwashed ballsacks. He is more than the sum of his parts. And by sum, I mean taint. And by parts, I mean balls.
Susan is perky, tiny, firm and delicious. She’s not our classic model type, but there is accountant-in-the-next-cubicle goodness with a dash of wild-side that is all sorts of happy pants screaming “Yayyyy!” on the short bus goodness.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009Ask DB1: Narcissistic Personality Disorder
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DB1-
I was watching the Colbert Report this evening as per usual, and they had a guest who was discussing Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). As she described the symptoms of the disorder, I couldn’t help but think, “Wow, that sounds a lot like a douchebag!”
So I dug deeper to find the wikipedia page describing NPD, and sure enough the title of the article could have been “Douchebags.” Could this disorder be caused by the Grieco Virus?
Here is the link to the wikipedia article for your convenience: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder
Sincerely,
left4douche
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Douchebaggery’s disorder is actually a distant cousin of NPD, left4douche. The medical community generally refers to it as “Scrotal Personality Taint Disorder,” and it differs from NPD in one crucial respect: It is performative based. A learned behavior. A simulation if you will. That smells like a collegiate locker room’s sweatsock taint.
As such, treatment is generally recommended to be internet mocking based, or else a swift kick to the nads.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009Robobag
Oh, Pilar. You sweet Brazilian minx. You have delightful teeth and a perky nose. All you wanted to do is come to America and sample our fine array of tasty cola beverages.
But instead a square chinned Robodouche with name-brand cap is mugging your personal space.
On behalf of Americans everywhere, I apologize. He is the Conquistador of anti-culture. The Montezuma’s Revenge of ruptive scrote.
Please do not play “just the tip” in a couple of hours. It will end badly, and Carnivale will never be the same.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009The Primitive Marsupial
Not since those first primitive marsupial ancestors of our crawled out from the fjords and across the Adriondacks to seek out a mate by shouting “Yo, wassup? You work out?” have we seen such primitive scrotewankery.
Millions of years of evolution later.
Now the Boobie Hottie Suckle Thigh shouts “wooo!!”
And she’s approached by billboards of a culture gone scrote. Who armlock her. And say “Yo.”
“Wassup? You work out?”
But, on the bright side, we did invent bikinis.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009Reader Mail: Britbags
Leonardo Douche Vinci writes in from England:
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Hello,
I love your site and have been enjoying it for a couple of years now. I want to give back to the community.
These are by no means as douchey as your american breeds, who must have evolved on a high protein and poo diet after the puritan exodus, our douchebags have to survive in a far more subtle fashion. However you can see they still have the classic “hat tilt” mating signal that clear signifies them as the classic Douchebaggus Maximus we all know and deride.
Yours Sincerely,
Leonardo Douche Vinci
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The thing about the weak, inbred looking British chin, like we see here on Flock of Britgulls, is that I’m never sure if a dude is British or a twelve year old pygmy.
I do love Sally Jones, in all her uptight sexually repressed and vitamin-c deficiencies. I would read her Jacobian tragedies by candlelight, then hump her ankles while singing Monty Python’s “Every Sperm Is Sacred” in a fey, falsetto voice.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009The Doobie Brother
Nothing says “Rasta Gangsta” in suburban Skokie quite like Jared tha Pimp.
Kimmy is delightful, cherubic, and way too happy to be embracing this Doobage of minimal future employment.
Yet stylin’ wall artwork.
