HCwDB
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Thursday, February 26, 2009
Ask DB1: Night of the Living Hardys
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Dear DB1,
I have a question that maybe you’ve been asked before but maybe you could help me find an answer.
While on my morning commute, I was overwhelmed by the sight of a walking Ed Hardy ad. I’m talking the whole nine yards. Hat, oversized hoodie, bedazzled jeans and terrible terrible shoes. I’m guessing he couldn’t afford to buy a car what with his clothing costing him a small fortune and he sat down across from me on the bus. His eyebrows were more sculpted then mine and he had the permanent pout, it was ridiculous. A true douchebag by every meaning of the word.
What was the most annoying though, was that he was blasting his music and bobbing up and down to the beat. Being as I was right across from him I could make out the music quite well. My question is this since there is clearly signs of being a douchebag like clothing, is there such a thing as ‘bagTunes? Music that a douchebag would love? And if so, how come the rest of us are exempt, or are we?
Keep up the great work,
~Sarah
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‘bagTunes, a subsidiary of iTunes, is launching its Beta version at Ed Hardy kiosks in malls across America in March. Look for collars to begin popping with delight shortly thereafter.
Thursday, February 26, 2009Poo
Some days I just should’ve stayed in bed.
Via DListed.com.
EDIT: The readers step up for the tag:
Butch Cassidy and the Douched out Kids: here
Axius Duchius Maximus: here.
Mr. White: here
Boatbutter: here
Douchille Bag’Neil: here
Wednesday, February 25, 2009Julie's Scarf
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DB1-
This is actually from the Groove Cruise. I lost my scarf the night before and the next morning on the beach I catch this d-bag sporting it with these two girls. It lead to an awkward and embarassing conversation about wanting my scarf back..but pretty fun for me.
– Julie
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Ah yes, “Scarfbaggery on the Beach.”
One of the lesser known, but highly acclaimed, Werner Fassbinder films.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009Julie’s Scarf
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DB1-
This is actually from the Groove Cruise. I lost my scarf the night before and the next morning on the beach I catch this d-bag sporting it with these two girls. It lead to an awkward and embarassing conversation about wanting my scarf back..but pretty fun for me.
– Julie
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Ah yes, “Scarfbaggery on the Beach.”
One of the lesser known, but highly acclaimed, Werner Fassbinder films.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009The Flame Broiled 'Bag
Please, FBB, do not have it your way.
The Flame Broiled ‘Bag
Please, FBB, do not have it your way.
Flexy McFlab
Tatt Translation: I have the Canis Major Constellation of Stars Faithfully Replicated on My Pants.
Wednesday Limerick
Vito busted game like Franz Liszt,
His face composes like a classical composist,
With a Hardy on his shirt,
Vito hit some pay dirt,
With a ‘Giland Hott too drunk to resist, Drakkar Noir mist.
Yup. Need a coffee. Way too early for the Franz Liszt references.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009HCwDB of the Week: Crimson Ted
A tough week. One of the toughest we’ve had. All three hottie/assface couplings had a shot.
But only Crimson Ted was Crimson:
Gee Forge: Crimson Ted, because he lives a miserable existence and he knows it, and I know it, and it makes both of us sad.
Anonymous: Crimson Ted. Oblivious to hotts and focused on pointing = HCwDB of the Week
Emma G: Every time Ted points, an angel gets its wings ripped off. Crimson Ted FTW.
douche-osopher: Having a bad hair day, Ted? Burnt-Orange Fascism not all it’s cracked up to be? Your brother stars in Phantom of the Opera, and all you got was this crappy T-shirt? Crimson Ted, FTW.
Anonymous: Gotta be Crimson Ted. Just based on the orange spectrometers people keep making of him. Anyone who needs one is a total douche nozzle.
Mr. White: Crimson Ted says, “I will give you a breakfast burrito, $3.79, and a reach-around to fight me.” And for this, he wins. Even though his hotts are probably nightmarish pains in the ass.
CrackedActor: Crimson Ted. He’s a Spider Man and His Amazing Friends villian, whereas Yolk is just a Sundy Morning knock-off. Like Glatar and the Golden Lance.
End the Habedouchery: That look tells me that heads will roll if his cliche Patron bottle service isn’t properly chilled. And for that, my friend, you are douche.
Great work, all. Excellent breakdowns by all the ‘bag hunters in the threads this week. C.T.’s run of crimson and high price hotts was too strong to overcome. But methinks the iconographic Incredible Yolk will also find longevity of mock:
Douchille Bag’Neal: The fact that Yolk is at the beach, and slathered in self tanner to the point of overused streaks on his skin, as well as the fact that he has perched himself in a domineering pose above the magnificent boobie that is Hangy Haired Lisa, makes this choice clear.
Douche D’Afrique: Yolk FTW! his scotewank is the Australopithecus of Douchebaggery. The “missing link” between Cro ‘Bagnon and Johnny Blaze. No wrist tats, no white belt, just primeval douche. And Orangeness.
Douchorama: The Yolk has to go down as a classic, albeit posed, image of douchenanigans. His homage to Fabio complete with his damsel hott makes this the easy choice for the win.
Hampered only by a less than fully seen hott, The Yolk still has genius DB quality. Methinks we will be seeing more of the Yolk in the coming Weeks. For no one else quite mauls hotts when he’s Orangey like the Yolk.
And lets not forget The Hickbag:
fuglygurlie: Hickbag FTW. Purely based on his lily white, feminine, well manicured hand which inspires me to rip his arms from their sockets and lovingly caress said hands, feeding the rest of him through a tree shredder feet first to a gentle Vivaldi wafting on the breeze and a deep bodied Shiraz warming in the sun.
Rubber Douchey: Strong arguements for Crimson Ted, but Hickbag hasta do it for me. Something about how neatly trimmed yet dripping with skuzz his porn-stache is. I shudder and weep.
Michael Phelp’s 10″ Bong: Hillbillies always do it for me. Hickbag and his First Cousin Hott FTW.
fishslushy: hickbag FTW. the parallel lines formed by his eyebrows and crustache are too powerful of a force to deny. Plus, darleen’s matching eye makeup and bra are pleasing.
It was an incredibly strong HCwDB week, with three complete contenders. The comments thread did not disappoint. Excellent douche eviserations and boobie lust all around, people. But I turn to the everpresent Anonymous to make the case why Ted and the Leggy Blondes are in the Monthly:
Have to go with Ted. What a supreme douchebag.
Indeed he is, Anonymous. Indeed he is. We’ll see his crimson ass in the Monthly.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009Reader Mail: Waspy Southern Girls
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DB1-
So, I used to know this girl… She was hot in that adorably vapid, sweet, likely to be abused sort of way. Anyways, I looked her up on facebook and found out that she married this guy…she is the girl on the right.
What is it about adorable waspy southern girls that they marry 28+yo douchebags when they’re 22?
What’s even worse about this guy is that his hair was a FAR more douchey version in the wedding pics. Like an intentionally haphazard version of the same douche-spike. Anyways, keep up the good work.
Sincerely,
-Stalking the April Hall of Hott
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Yup, married to a hair-spikey stage-2 ex-Fratbag. And all while Ubiquitous Red Cup watches sadly. Granted, this pic doesn’t really betray much in the way of noteworthy douche/hott. But the letter sums up the pathos many of us have experienced when a former GF marries a scrote like this putz.
So good work, STAHoH, and may you find that lovely April. And send us pics.
