HCwDB
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Tuesday, February 10, 2009
The Punch-face
The true measuring stick of a Punchface is determined by how much you’d pay to, well, punch the face.
I would go one over prime to punch that punch face.
I would renounce my throne as the prince of Zamunda just for the chance to punch that punch-face.
I would swear off cheap wine, tasty sugary HoHos and any product made by Kelloggs for at least a fortnight just for the chance to punch that punch-face.
And yes, Kelly isn’t the most blazing hott we’ve seen. But I still want to punch that punch-face.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009Caption This Pic
Finally, the Lilliputians living in Kal’s brain could take no more boobie grabs nor skull tatts, and built a brick rocket off his right ear.
Tony Broma
Just when I think our months of research has uncovered every permutation of douche hand gesture, along comes Tony. With mandana, ring finger of scrote, and the most punch-worthy douche face since yesterday’s Punch-face, Broma is at least an extended ass-kicking away from restoring some semblance of balance to the universe.
And how delightful is Shawna’s awkward, shy, yet oozingly sexual smile?
I would hunt down fin-clipped flying roe in an indoor tropical bio-equarium while blindfolded with electric eels in the hopes that the subsequent splashing would awaken a nearby sheep whose wool was once sheered to make her childhood blankie.
Hers is the sexualized yet innocent paradox of the pinnacle of feminine beauty that drives artists to madness and the rest of us to war.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009Satanic Nip
I’ve been getting some email complaints that I’ve been featuring too much Kettlehead on the site.
And while that’s probably true, I’d note that Kettlehead’s Chiquita Latino Hotts are all top-shelf quality, and worthy of individual boobie lust.
So while the point about Kettlehead is well taken, do not piss the DB1 off with complaints.
Or I will unleash more Satanic Nip.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009For The Wank
Here’s the thing, Stan from Tampa.
If you’re going to fight your suburban pasty-ass whiteness by getting a gangsta tatt, the least you could do is go the full nine and actually spell it out.
It’s like you’re willing to permanently etch words on your stomach, but too lazy to spell them out?
Not cool.
Now stop nervously putting your arms around Carol and Patrice, and step away from the Bud Light before I take away the keys to your Chevy Suburban.
Monday, February 9, 2009The Everpresent Hoverbag
We have been coving Hoverbags on this site for many a chin pube.
The Hoverbag, defined as any wankscrote, douchey or not, who decides to muck up a good sapphic kiss through redundant pointing and stupid-face, is detailed at length in my book.
And yet new manifestations and fungal growths of this sub-species of annoying-douche continue to sprout like so much mold in DJ Bello’s bathroom.
And each time, I want to squirt some bleach-based cleanser in their face until they get the hell out of the frame.
For the nth time, Hoverbags, no one cares about you. No one is looking at you.
Now get the hell out of the garage and go fetch me a chicken pot pie. I’m enjoying the show.
Monday, February 9, 2009Sammy is Nottadouche
Sometimes you just gotta tip your ubiquitous red cup of Night Train wine and say good for you, large, round, pudgy Sammy.
It may be true that your B.O. smells like onions and you flop-sweat like a stuck pig even when it’s 25 degrees out. And yes, you’re still struggling to get your degree in “Computer Science” from that ad you answered in the back of the Penny Saver.
But you are happy and prideful of your dual balls of hott-mound without any need to make poseur “gangsta” gestures or douche-face. Without annoying bling or hat tilt.
They are lovely. Arm gnawing face melting balls of sucklability.
So good for you, Sammy. Major props. You’ve earned a nottadouche and go in peace.
Monday, February 9, 2009Kettlehead's Eyebrow
Kettlehead’s Eyebrow reminds you to vote in the Weekly. For his collar can’t pop in the presence of Chiquita Hotts all by itself.
Kettlehead’s Eyebrow
Kettlehead’s Eyebrow reminds you to vote in the Weekly. For his collar can’t pop in the presence of Chiquita Hotts all by itself.
HCwDB of the Week
While The Blowfish goes Germanic in Mädchen mit Vollpfosten, this should be a strange and fascinating HCwDB of the Week.
I want you to use this as a Zen exercise.
Clear your mind. Then regard each pic in its totality. Each in its smelly poosity. Each in its offering of suckle thigh. Which rises to the top to call itself HCwDB of the Week? Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Kettlehead
Consistency.
Some call it the hobgoblin of little minds.
I call it eyebrow stare.
Let us not forget Kettlehead’s sparkling run of eyebrow and open, tight t-shirt chest shave while macking a K-Mart Fun Pak of hottness, here, here, here, here and here.
Kettlehead’s understated douchescrotery in presence of a bevy of A-List boobnanny makes him a formidable foe in the Weekly.
But enough to pull off the win?
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: 2009 An Orange Odyssey
Orange.
Far and away the most disturbing of new douchal developments in 2009 is the orange pigmentation plague striking suburban wiggas across the country.
Even more disturbing, there’s Derek Jeter Head.
Making the rare “cocked gun middle finger” ‘bag hand gesture, with low cut Gator shirt displaying even more orange.
Heck, I’m talking myself out of Kettlehead just writing this. Lookit this wank. How badly does he need an ass kicking?
And then there’s Cynthia. My sweet, suburban princess, Cynthia. All sorts of sparking smile and hint of perky, perfect boobage. Tiny, huggable waist and taut, suckable thigh.
She is boobalicious.
For back-to-basics douchescrotery and delightful Pixie Stick Hott, this combo deserves its chance in the Weekly.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Douchie Pop
There’s something to be said for the punchable douche-face while getting licked by slender hott.
Douchie Pop is the perfect example of classic West Coast Mandana Mark McGrath Sugar Ray ‘Bag douchosity. And don’t forget Pic #2.
West Coast Douche deserves to be mocked on a consistent basis around here. Just as we mock Jerz Guid on the East Coast.
For tight black wifebeater and lower lip piercing, Douchie Pop is all that is rank in Long Beach.
Honorable mention to Crazy Eyes Killah, Scarfly, Toronto Poo Jay, Rusty The Frill Necked Lizard and the ridiculously hot hott in White Out (hall of hott candidate?).
Damn, that was a fine run of HCwDB pics over the past two weeks. Props to all ‘bag hunters who submit these pics and prevent me from having to sober up and do any real work around here.
But now it’s up to you.
Is Kettlehead the runaway winner? Or does the hottie/douchey stank of Douchie Pop or 2009: An Orange Odyssey piss you off even more?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
