HCwDB
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Monday, January 26, 2009
HCwDB of the Week
It’s Bizarro week in the Weekly, as we have three distinct and strange hottie/douchey couplings to choose from. Your humble narrator, The DB1, is properly hydrated, relatively recently showered, and with a full cupboard of tasty Hostess products ready for the week.
Except my feet still smell like Gouda. I blame my socks.
Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Tad and Trina
A run-of-the-mill, average pimp-douche but with some innovative hair. The stupid-hair is what elevates, as pink satin pimpedness isn’t usually enough to qualify for Weekly Douche.
But the fact Tad’s mixing with a sexy minx of erotic delights, and you have proper hottie/douchey dialectics.
She has the pimp of pokey boob.
The hair of flaxen flaxeness.
The smile of Southern hospitality.
And while the boobs are small, the shoulder is suckle worthy.
Together, they make poo.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Sharpie Ringworm
All credit to Count Douchekevitch, who bestowed the moniker “Sharpie Ringworm,” on this entry from the Friday Haiku.
Yes there is potential Halloweenery at work here, and usually that’s a disqualification.
But if you study the background, it’s hard to place this at a Halloween party, making me think this turd is actually doing some form of Vegas DJ dress-up. Therefore, he’s scrote.
Sharpie’s Turban Hott is all sorts of middle eastern bustier delight. Toned, and sweet, and I’ll overlook the cloth headwound if she’ll show me her belly button.
But the “dressup” factor may detract from this pic. Is it real enough to warrant the genuine emotion of wrong that a hott/scrote pic summons?
It very well might, so I had to include it in the Finals. And seriously, that chest shave isn’t for Halloween. Topbagrophy Face is all sorts of punchworthy mock.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Butthead
At first I was a little hesitant to run this pic, only because I’d hate for those who check HCwDB from work to run the risk of an offending office-mate.
But then I said to myself, “Self, those are three of the best examples of butts you’ve ever seen. Run it.”
So run it I did.
Butthead is douche on a number of levels, from tonguebaggery to Bizarro Mandana.
And the butts are fleshy hills of New Zealand shrubbery shorn clean and pink and bouncy and juicy and bouncy.
The girls are hott, the douche is rank, and the commingling is nauseating.
Thus, a prime candidate for HCwDB of the Week.
Honorable mention to The Turnips, who just missed the cut.
This is the final Weekly before Monday’s Monthly, so make it good, fellow hunters and huntresses. Lets amp up the competition for a royal hottie/douchey smackdown next week.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Sunday, January 25, 2009The "Goatee Saver"
The Flowbee for a New Generation.
Sunday, January 25, 2009The “Goatee Saver”
The Flowbee for a New Generation.
Sunday, January 25, 2009Brain Surgery Victim or Douchebag?
Time to play another round of the craze that’s sweeping the nation, Brain Surgery Victim or Douchebag?
Guess in the comments thread.
Saturday, January 24, 2009Orange Power
In an iconic protest moment on behalf of the rights of Fake Tanned Orangebags the world over, Kevin raised his Fist of Power at the 2009 Pick up Artist Games.
Ask DB1: Why Ubiquitous Red Cup?
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DB1,
Long time reader and fan. Was wondering if you could answer a deep question that has been bothering me for quite some time. What is the meaning behind the Ubiquitous Red Cup (URC)? I mean, yes, it is everywhere, but what is its purpose?
There must be some philosophical meaning to its presence, especially since we see it around douches of all colors, more so than the civilized public. Thank you for your time, and stay frosty. We can’t afford to let any of these douche bastards in here.
Matt in RVA
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Ubiquitous Red Cup has become the centralized iconic signifier in structuring our understanding of universal douche/hott.
It is a talisman signifying ideal within the abstract. Perhaps it is a bit like what Hitchcock called the “MacGuffin”. A structuring icon that helps us to bridge the specific differences and advance our larger treatise.
It’s also the sign of a slammin’ off-the-hook pool party at Kal’s while his parents are, like, out of town yo.
Friday, January 23, 2009Friday Thoughts and Links
I have but one deep thought upon this Friday:
Rose Schlossberg’s mom may not be New York’s next senator, but someday the DB1 will charm Little Rose Hott herself into becoming my next little Boobie Hottie Suckle Thigh. By seductively wooing her with takeout Chinese food and a bottle of Ernest and Julio Gallo’s finest under-$20 fortified wine.
Here’s your Friday links:
Uberdouchey corrupt former governor of Chicago, Rod Blagojevich signs a boobie. Stay classy, Rod, you douchepimple.
Douchebag Seeks Hot Chick on Dating Site
Fung We Can. Fung We Did.
Paul Janka is concentrated, bottled uberdouche. I would pay a small Malaysian orphan boy 20 Yuan and a digital watch to kick him in the nads and then run off quickly.
Go forth, friends. Go forth and celebrate the Boobie Suckle Thigh and the forces of non-douche that fight the good fight. For it is Friday.
(Oompa Prompa trading card designed by HCwDB’s own Jean Claude Van Douche)
Friday, January 23, 2009The Nothing Up My Sleeve 'Bag
Sometimes Oldbags can achieve a state of pure zen-douche simply through whether or not they decide to rip off their sleeves to show off the guns.
And yes, Milfy Sharon. You may be a bank manager by day. But by night, you are naughty.
EDIT: A few minutes later, out came the flex poses. And a new girl in a red dress??
Friday, January 23, 2009The Nothing Up My Sleeve ‘Bag
Sometimes Oldbags can achieve a state of pure zen-douche simply through whether or not they decide to rip off their sleeves to show off the guns.
And yes, Milfy Sharon. You may be a bank manager by day. But by night, you are naughty.
EDIT: A few minutes later, out came the flex poses. And a new girl in a red dress??
Friday, January 23, 2009Mickey Rourke Redeems Career With Powerhouse Acting Performance: Still a Huge Douchebucket
It had to be said.
EDIT: And to respond to repeated emails asking me if I had anything to do with last night’s episode of Supernatural, called “Criss Angel is a Douchebag,” the answer is no. Hollywood now seems to feel directly stealing ideas and written content is fine, so long as it’s on a website, apparently.
