HCwDB
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Saturday, November 15, 2008
Ask DB1: The Douchestral Cycle
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Douchebag1,
As a long fan of the site I have been pondering the different levels of douche. Some guys are stage 1, 2, 3, or 4 ‘bags all of the time.
However, I also think there is a different kind of bag in which the person in question is not a bag a lot of the time, but at certain times of the month is a gigantic douche. Perhaps some bags are on a douchestrual cycle akin to the female menstrual cycle? What are your thoughts on this?
Jurassic Douche
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Absolutely correct, J.D. Nicolaus Copernicus first observed this oscillation in 1539 with the publication of De Revolutionibus Orbium Douchestium,, translated roughly as “The Smelly Poo ‘Bags of Prussia Need to Be Smacked with a Rubber Chicken.”
Unfortunately, such cyclical swings in hottie/douchey manifest cannot be predicted. They can only be mocked. From a safe distance.
Saturday, November 15, 2008Lila's Alzados II
Brian Earlicker’s football blocking hott, a co-HCwDB of the Week winner, seems to have found herself getting crushed between two stage-2 overly developed grease-feet. They’re not the worst ‘bags we’ve seen, but they’re definitely scroadmunch.
Check off the douchetributes:
1. Pumped up Faux.
2. Leather Wrist-Strap
3. Undies Poke
And note the classic ‘bag sandwich formation. A tasty slice of tomato hott crushed between two moldy olive loafs. Enough to make me skip lunch.
But the Alzadoes seem to be singing an operatic aria. Just for me. How thoughtful.
Friday, November 14, 2008Friday Thoughts and Links
Sometimes all one can ask for in life is that a skinny punk-ass doucheclown gets rolled on his way to the parking lot at 4am. Let it happen to this guy. I don’t ask for much, Ganesh.
Random links as I clear out the pixel closet on a Friday:
Next generation trashbags.
Dear God, won’t somebody please think of the children??
Day 2 of Fun Fun Fun Fest at Waterloo Park
Peyton List wants to pelt my lower back area with assorted Dunkin’ Donuts donut holes, then quietly lick off the sugar glaze residue while juggling hamsters and humming the theme to The Dirty Dozen.
And finally, the man who does not breathe the same air that you or I breathe, the man who is a Pharaoh, He Just Bangs Bitches and Makes the Shocker.
It was another great week of curvy suckle thigh and punch-worthy assclownage. Thanks to all the ‘bag hunters who took the time to send in pics and/or emails.
Your humble narrator on our journey through the collective boobie/douchey unconscious, DBJung, is off to get drunk on cheap beer, slur my words, and hit on that bartender at The Well.
And she’ll pretend to like me. And I’ll over-tip.
More updates from a post-hungover DB1 in the morning.
Friday, November 14, 2008Justin Timberhead
He’s bringing sexy back.
To the greater Long Island Sephardic Network’s community dance “Ladiez Night.”
Friday, November 14, 2008Eurobag #294
This is standard issue Eurodouche, Mediterranean style.
The kind they hand out at the airport in Antwerp with a free dusseldorf rucksack and a can of Nutella. Named “Pietro” or “Antonio.”
The kind who thinks happy Colorado U. grads like Brenda will fall for his accent and tales of summer chalets and yachting on the Tyrrhenian Sea near Napoli.
Don’t fall for the Eurobag con, Brenda!
I’ll be right there. To save you.
To take you back to my hotel room. Where I’ll pass out watching Sportscenter and you’ll order a cheeseburger from Room Service.
Friday, November 14, 2008Suburban White Thugz 4 Eva
You go with your bad self, Brandon. The streets of Westport, Connecticut now know who’s bad. You. You bad.
Poor tiny Susan.
Slightly perplexed. Wondering if cut-off Daisy Dukes are really as gangsta as Brandon keeps telling her they are.
Friday, November 14, 2008Friday Haiku
Hate Assberry hopes,
Tatts will bring the record deal.
Mom didn’t hug much.
You may stroke my hair
Even fondle my hottness
Just kill that damn smell
— the desert douchehunter
Henna tattoos are
Sometimes cool to look at but
Not when it’s on poo.
— Holbrooks Douchestershire Sauce
hate is a strong word
but in this case, i say that
hate is a big turd
— bcs
Hate is the feeling
I feel for this tattooed douche
Fathers, hide your daughters
— the douche abides
Ian Curtis Lite
Starts a famous cover band
Soy Milk Division
— mr. white
Failed at Pizza Hut,
So off to the tattoo parlor
and bass guitar store.
— darksock
Friday, November 14, 2008The Presidential Shocker
Two in the Bush, one in the Cheney.
Hate Assberry
You can just see the look in Kimmy’s eyes.
That faint flicker of nausea that says, “It sucks being Paid to Pose with tatted up assclowns, but it still beats working at Hooters.”
I hear ya, Kimmy.
I hear ya.
Thursday, November 13, 2008Sea Swamp
I stepped in a sea swamp of smashpooery. A slimy, slippy surging tidal flood of wankscrotiforousness.
Mandanas and tatts absconding with the last vestiges of my humanity.
Lost Bleethed hotts drifting on the solar winds in search of habitat.
Alas amidst the Woo Hotties lost to the rejects from the casting call for Saved By The Bell: The Unemployed Years, I spy a shoulder.
A shoulder of suckle-worthy suckle-worthiness.
And even Thumbs Up Kissy Mouth couldn’t swamp the sea ever-more.
For shoulder suckle is like boobie hottie suckle thigh.
It provides hope in a sea of anemone pee.
