HCwDB
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Thursday, October 9, 2008
Beverly Hills Chihawkua
In honor of the greatest cinematic exploration of the pathos found between animal and human since Vittorio De Sica’s neo-realist masterpiece Umberto D, let us honor the release of Disney’s Beverly Hills Chihuahua with a moment of silence.
And by silence, I mean mocking Hawks’ silly-ass hair.
Thursday, October 9, 2008Ask DB1: Douche Shirts
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greetings douchebag1
I was wondering if you would give me the great honor of asking for feedback of your community on a douche-related dilemma i have been struggling with.
My trade is as an artist and a graphic designer, and I love artsy tshirt designs. I have been wanting to start a line of catchy and beautiful tshirts. However, it gives me great pain to realize that most of the scrotes pictured on your site see to love all that artsy shit.
My fear is that I will design a shirt that ends up worn by someone on your site. Will it be acceptable to clothe said douches as long as I take a lot of their money? Is it possible I can design a great looking shirt that attracts quality, non-douche types? Please help!
a big fan,
– peter
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Excellent question, Pete. The larger question is whether you are willing to participate in the Doucho-Industrial Complex in service of coin. However, I’m inclined to encourage you to be as creative as you can be in your designs, and not to worry about scrotal reinscription of your work. Provided you do not do the following:
1. Add fake or cryptic foreign languages to the design
2. Write the words “Ed” or “Hardy” in an annoying yellow cursive
3. Add your own name or your brand name at any point as a major element of the design
4. Toss splotchy dots of paint on the shirt
5. Add “pre-ripped” rips and tears
That about covers it. Good luck, sir.
Thursday, October 9, 2008The Goggles They Do Nothing
Aww, isn’t that sweet? Matching sunglasses.
As if to tell the world, “Yes, we have merged hott and douche into a scrotal singularity.”
As to Kevin’s levitating hat trick, the formula goes like so:
1. Six ounces L.A. Looks Hair Gel
2. Detailed sleeve tatts
3. Spiked hair
4. Casually placed forearm sweatband, high enough to say “it’s casual,” but not too high to look like a triage bandage
5. Plutonium Goggles, they do nothing
Mix together on an A/Xhole in presence of Douchebaguette. Levitate Hat to 40 degrees along the Z-Axis, and 27 degrees Y. Longitude and Latitude should proceed to New Jersey by the light of the moon and sail on until dawn.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008Ned Retorts
Yours may be orange, Hawk, but I got a sexy brunette, and my platonic friend Ramon to confirm that my hawk is way more phat!! So step off!!
Yup. I’m creating fictional conversations between giant fauxhawked douchewanks.
Time for a swig of Night Train. In a ubiquitous red cup. Then all will be well.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008Hawk Responds
“Oh yeah, Ned? Mine’s reddish orange!! And two feet tall!! And my blond hott is cuter than your brunette!!”
Ned Grimley
Ned, one of the Flame Twins from last night’s pic, says, “that dude Hawk’s got nothin’ on my sexy faux!”
Wednesday Limerick
In Europe they made “people fondue,”
Where Swedish girls could commingle with poo,
The Germans wore bling,
But not that dude from Beijing,
And the French girl said, “merci boucoup.”
Tighty Armani Gettin' Ready
Tighty Armani, our HCwDB of the Month winner back in April, has ditched the blonde distractions and, like Jake LaMotta, is holding off from all sexual activity while he trains.
And by trains, I mean drinking heavily. T.A. is in full-on preparation for the 2008 Douchies in December, where he’ll take on Acey Douchey.
The Russian Exchange Student Brunette isn’t impressed.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008The Flame Twins
Like torches of douchal fire, they flicker across our collective unconscious like stampeding wildebeests of the Serengeti. Like spitballs shot out of a straw by our collective inner child, bored during recess.
Nearby brunettes are pulled into their odor, flashing nausea and middle fingers as they go down.
Woe, there is no hope.
There is no hope.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008Pink Popp
CeeGee writes in to remind us that the Pink Poppers are still out there:
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DB1-
You know, I was having a great weekend. I went camping, drained a few beers, sat by a fire, and even swam naked in lake.
Then I noticed this travesty in my facebook news feed. Notice the popped collar on the pink shirt. The firm-tushed roundness who so willfully thrusts herself onto the toxic vat of douche. The hint of fauxhawk on Pinko.
I would happily clean out Larry King’s septic tank with a toothbrush for the chance to meet the LensCrafters sales rep who sold librarian hott her frames. Then I would chat awkwardly about breakfast cereal.
-CeeGee
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Yes, I too have cleaned out Larry King’s septic tank with a toothbrush, so I can commiserate, CeeGee.
However, other than Pink Popp, the doucher isn’t really douchey. But since the blonde seems to have on designer librarian glasses, and since Pink Pop itself is a ‘bag violation, this pic runs. And by runs, I mean ass curve like a ski slope in Aspen.
