HCwDB
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Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Where's Twin 'Bag?
Somewhere, buried deep in this toxic canker-swirl of nastiness and boobies, I’ve carefully hidden one half of our classic 2007 Weekly Winners, The Twin ‘Bags.
Look closely.
Can you find him?
(hint: click on the pic for closer examination)
Bonus points if you can also find Chandlerbag and The Bumper.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008Caption This Pic
Izzy Finkelstein’s midlife crisis reached epic proportions when he met Inga and went on a three day bender at a Provincetown clambake.
"Four Points" writes in
The dude in Four Points takes time off from mountain climbing to write in (without a takedown request):
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DB1 –
Your post “Four Points” was recently called to my attention by a friend, and it appears that I am (or at least was) indeed the douchebag in the picture. The picture seems to be from a few years ago, and was taken at a golf tournament I was working at as a fundraiser for my high school baseball team in Las Vegas.
Upon inspection, I must say that yes – I do look like a douchebag in the picture and deserve to be pointed out as such. Just thought I’d fill you in on a little of the backstory and say that I appreciate the work you’re doing in exposing douchebags everywhere.
Thanks to all those in the thread who defended me as not being egregiously douchey, and even the more vitriolic comments had me laughing (Shrek + Busey? Priceless). Keep up the good work, and I assure you that I am taking all further precautions to limit my douchebaggery in the future.
All the best,
D.
PS: The answer to the $64,000 question? Yes, they’re real.
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Double Point, you hearby earn a lifetime nottadouche pass. Good work and go in peace.
And by peace, I mean love-hills.
Monday, September 15, 2008L.A. Confidouchal
The night turned into dawn like two flashing red lights at the corner of Hollywood and Vine… the street walkers crawled down Sunset like a parade of newly hatched slugs after a long rain…
I had to get my head on straight… the Captain wasn’t hearing no more since the crack down at Chavez Ravine in ’52, and I needed a shower, shave and a pressed suit badly…
She had red hair like firecrackers that burned the insides of your eyes like coal embers off the moat trucks on Virgil… I hadn’t seen daylight since the poppers popped back down behind the old Howard Johnsons when Capreze and his gang made a move to corner the H racket after Lenny Weinrib took two of Mickey Cohen’s with him to the great hearafter…
Must’ve been the booze but when I saw her getting mugged by an oily tatted up douchewank, I knew it was time to make the move to Red Cupsville… she let him cup her moneymakers, he in the wifebeater that spoke of the uberdouche from West Hollywood… he was a scrote, that I knew… but what kind of scrote? And who was he playing?… I had to think…
Monday, September 15, 2008The Ubersquat
Many times a ‘bag hunter in training will ask me, Db1? What is an Ubersquat?
Oho!, I answer with deep introspection. Fear not, for the Ubersquat will manifest with oily kissy face and orange finger.
Note the Bleething taking place on Amanda. She is still redeemable. But fading fast.
Monday, September 15, 2008A.S.O.W.
All sorts of wrong.
Just… all sorts of wrong.
Monday, September 15, 2008HCwDB of the Week
Extremely tough week to cull down to three finalists. There were at least six or seven worthy pics. Good thing I’m aided by a mean ‘Train hangover and a tasty bowl of Lucky Charms. Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Sideburn Harry
He’s a little “pro” in his douchery, but the innovative Sidekick Pose + Self Portrait is too scrotally innovative to ignore.
And let us not forget Maria, who came here from Peru to seek a better life working at the Macy’s Flagship store in Manhattan.
Yes, she may be pushing early 30s. But, as I am a magnanimous sort, I would still bite upon her toesies while reciting nursery rhymes in Sanskrit.
It isn’t her fault that she ended up getting mugged by a greased up tri-shaved ubertool.
Well. Maybe it is her fault a little bit.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Kenner
Like two plastic action figures hanging on the pin at that old Child World store in Framingham, Massachusetts, Kenner and Jenny are a form of proto-robotic HCwDB.
Do they have Kung-Fu Grip?
Are they packaged with a free Pokemon Disc?
Would I hump Jenny’s lower thigh area like a broken automaton that was wound too tight at a 19th Century street fair in Astor Place?
Yes. Yes I would.
Nice chest shave, jackass.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Acey Douchey
Aces up, for a classic Chicago Ubersquat.
The only thing holding this pic back from sheer hottie/douchey genius is the “pro” nature of the pose.
A little too much self-referential ironobaggery. It’s like post-post-modernism. Unlike Still Life with Coors Light, the signifiers betray critique as much as inspiration.
But we’ve honored other “pro” ‘bags on the site. Like The Gator.
And the gun, money, vodka and kissy lips all earn serious douche-points, no matter what the intention. While the dual hotts offer curves of deep sociopolitical introspection.
In addition to these three Finalists, we had a number of pics last week in consideration for the 2008 Douchies, including the Great Googley Moogley of Four Points, The Mugging (which also features a great rant from the people in the pic in the comments thread), Jimmy’s Hand, The Neverending Story’s Bastian, and the quarter bouncing tautness of the Moon Pie.
And lets not forget the odious DJ Bello, who deserves some form of recognition. And by recognition, I mean crotch leeches.
But these are your three. Which coupling has both hott and choad in dialectic to force an ideological reexamination of the self, The real, and cultural hierarchy?
That, fellow ‘bag hunters, is up to you. Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.
Sunday, September 14, 2008Ask DB1: The "Camerabag"
The camera guy in the DJ Bello clip brings up an important question:
Whither the Cameradouche?
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DB1-
This email is regarding the forgotten douche- the douche who actually takes the picture of the douche(s) and hott(s). Your site needs to recognize this undeniable doucheness. Although it cannot be seen, we know it exists.
It’s like the wind, if the wind thought it was a good idea to immortalize such unreasonable scenes of douchery alongside hottness, in a photograph. –
Andrew Jackson-
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Well said, A.J. In this example, there is the Self-Douche-Portrait. But in others, we must consider the douchery of the camera operator as a form of embedded hegemonic ideological reinforcer. Or, in post-Gramsci terms, a doucherstructure.
In regards to this pic, I’d only like to add one word. Mound Mellons.
Okay. That was two words.
Sunday, September 14, 2008DJ Bello Hearts Fur
Here’s even more stage-4 Uberdouche from the rankest festering cold sore on the lip-herp blight of our social formation. The one and only DJ Bello.
I gotta find a 2008 Douchie Award for this pud. The problem is the lack of hott in his clips. A douche on their own is like Yin without Yang. It has no meaning but nihilistic void.
WARNING: Minimal Hott appearance, once again.
Saturday, September 13, 2008A Book Certified 'Bag Responds to HCwDB
A solid sense of humor goes a long way towards recovery, Guy Who Could Snap My Spine Like a Twig. But if you’re in the book, you use the word “fagget,” and you hit on your waitress, sorry, there’s no escaping the cold hard facts. Yer a douche.
Now please don’t snap my spine like a twig.
