HCwDB
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Friday, September 5, 2008
Reader Mail: The "DB" Hand Signal
douchey2coasts writes in:
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Hey db1-
i have been a long time fan of the site and living half the month in las vegas and the other half in south beach (the 2 meccas of douchedom) i consider myself a pro bag tagger. but even a a semi pro can bag tag in these two epicenters of doucheyness.
i myself have slipped to the darkside of douchedom every now and then but thanx to the good graces of the 12 step not-a-douche program i joined, i have made it back into the light….after seeing all i thought i could see.. i took this pic (ed: The Haiku Pic) in vegas over the labor day weekend, where douche was as prevelant as cowpies in a field.
keep up the good work… my office cant make it through the day without your site to the point where we came up with a secret douche hand sign to throw at each other while spotting douches from across the room…sent you the pic on that too…its the db hand signal…great way to make fun without gettin punched in the dome…hope you pass along the secret hand sign of the douche (me in the hat with my 2 girls giving the db hand sign)
your humble servant,
douchey 2coasts
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For inventing a cleverly subtle “DB” hand gesture for ‘bag taggers to communicate with each other, I tip my cup of the ‘Train in your direction. Even if you look like a solidly mockable Miami Beach douchewank, you have at least partially redeemed yourself with your actions and ‘bag tagging ability.
Good work, sir. Now lose the hat.
Caddyhack
What, do you get a free bowl of soup with that hat?
It looks good on you, though.
Friday, September 5, 2008Friday Haiku
Somewhere in Glendale,
Ricardo Montalban’s kids,
Waste trust funds on hotts.
young bridgette nielsen
partying with long duck dong
and douche with pink hair
— ted theodore scrotgan
After School Specials
Were made so kids would not grow
Up and be like this.
— massengill
a white hula skirt
corona does not age well
cold air arouses
— ‘bag lanta
Blonde hott’s skirt defies
Known Newtonian physics
Somewhere, Hawking cries
— anonymous
Back, and To The Left
It must be tough partying with the head-wound from the Kennedy Assassination crimping your style.
Reader Mail: The Deutschbag
Franz Baggenbauer writes in all the way from Deutchland:
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dear db1,
after days of researching your site for the true meaning of douchebag, i started browsing the pages of some clubs over here in cologne, germany. i daresay i found some pictures that may meet the requirements, although i did notice that those guys who could really make a name on your site usually arent with hott. that’s a good thing, i guess.
i’ll continue the search and hope i can enrich the collection of jersey-, weekend-in-vegas- and LA-douches with some nice deutschbags sooner or later. i’m a big fan of the page, thanks for the enterntainment
Franz Baggenbauer
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We’ve seen that the Global Douche Virus has touched lands as diverse as Finland, Australia, South America and Canada.
Even that douchey-ass country, Uruguay. Yeah, I’m talking about what a douche-ass country you are, Uruguay. What are you gonna do about it? Unlike your far superior neighbor Paraguay, which rules. Stupid Uruguay.
Thursday, September 4, 2008Where's Waldouche? Partyyyy Edition
Somewhere in this lineup of pouty, if a tad uneven, club cutes (with Dark Haired Raven the ambiguously European standout), I’ve carefully hidden an aging Party Douche who likes to Party with multiple “y’s.”
In other words, he likes to partyyyyyyy.
Look closely.
can you find him?
Thursday, September 4, 2008The Sign
Occasionally, a new ‘bag hunter, having recently begun training in the Douchal Arts, will come up and ask me, “DB1, can you tag a ‘bag with a single sign? And if so, what is that sign?”
And I answer, “Aha, grasshopper. The question seeks an answer you cannot foresee. The specificity of the sign will change. But the reaction will be the same.”
Witness here.
Vinny has only one douchetribute. A combo hand gesture and hott headlock, forcing his girl to pull his arm down to breathe.
No kissy lips. No hat tilt. No annoying tatts. No hair highlight. Yet we can stamp “Douche” simply from that one gesture.
And while hott may be 17-ish, she’s surely turning 18 very soon. At which point I will buy her a car.
Thursday, September 4, 2008HCwDB of the Month: Mooby Dick
In a hotly debated contest in which each of our four finalists drew support, The Moobster’s overwhelming douchitude was too much to overcome.
Even with a lesser hott, Mooby Dick’s victory proves that while a gorgeous girl may carry a lesser douche to a victory in a Weekly, an uberdouche is too toxic for anything to overcome.
sir douche-a-lot explains the reasoning:
My score is based on 2xD + 1xH. The douche must be given more weight as even if the site were just “With Douchebags”, it would be nearly as gawkeriffic. Given the fact that (gay or not) Mooby is wearing the douchiest ensemble known to man, there is no possible way for any hott in this pool to sufficiently inflate their respective douchebag’s score to claim victory. The other douchebags are just not douchey enough.
Well said Sir DAL. There is no doubt that a powerful douche can invoke rage even with a lesser hott. And I disagree with many of the posters, as I think Mooby’s girl is a solid cutie. the doucheman cometh continues:
Mooby. While the hott presence is no where near that of the Hourglass or The Mariner, it is the hott presence that makes those pictures at least somewhat tolerable.
Mooby on the other hand makes me want to take my eyes and refresh them in a nice hydrochloric acid bath in an attempt to burn any memory of having viewed such an atrocity.
And fidouchiary responsibility further elaborates on the Moobster’s win:
Though Janice has more than a handful of goodness and Hourglass makes me question my own sexuality (I’m a girl), Mooby is an affront that is all wholesome, round and perky wonder. By flaunting his Moobs, he degrades all boobies. Truly, after witnessing his douchousity, can you look on the pert orbs of Hourglass loveliness and not suffer flashbacks of the Moob?
Maybe the hott is not so much – maybe she is blocked out by his Dollywood mounds of puffed-up wrongness – but Mooby should take the monthly, if only for the fact that his awesome douchitude can make us all, for a moment, think unkind thoughts about boobies.
Very well argued F.R. I think there is the potential for brain damage due to the Moobster. hp lovechoad agrees:
Mooby climbs to the top of the primordial waste heap, single handedly setting back the human race 100,000 years. He is the missing link, the alpha and omega, the proto-douche from a land that time has unfortunately not forgotten. Is he drunk on animal traqs? Does he have Down’s Syndrome? Has he received a baseball bat to the dome? All these mysteries and so little time.
The mystery of the pic definitely contributes to its genius, HP. And ronnie explains the sheer revulsion factor:
Though the hott is a bit lacking Mooby ‘s shirt is the douchiest thing ive ever seen, i may have to wash my eyes out with Bleach
As a last minute sub for Crapser The Douchey Ghost (who will likely turn up in the rocker douche category at the Douchies), Squidward represented. gratz casts in:
Squidward for sure…
With all of my love, he gets the prize for selecting a permanent life appearance in exchange for a few years of boffing the shallowest silicone displays.
But the perfection of the Hourglass and the Beachbag came in a solid third. champagne douchernova makes the case:
I want to vote for Hourglass. Hers is not a shape that sailed a thousand ships. Hers is the shape that makes me want to kill babies. And by kill babies, I mean masturbate.
Her body perfection wipes away the fact theat she’ll resemble my 25 year old 1st baseman’s glove in about 8 years.
There is only the now, my friend. And her now is very now. And the dude reminds us of the everybag rage of The Rime of the Scrotey Mariner:
I’m going with Scrotey Mariner, for the boobies – there’s twice as many. Those girls smile like they’ve already met me. Scrotey is scowling like he already knows his fate. A giant fish will leap out of the water and bitch slap him.
Yes it will, dude. But it’s the Moobs all the way. coco is on the case like Macy’s:
Mooby Dick, for taking it to the next level and showing us a hereunto unseen douche wardrobe piece. It’s an anthropological find. Also with a history of being a monthly winner, it will hopefully give him a record that will render him unable to ever run for public office
And buffy the scrotebag slayer:
The power of the Moob is much too strong. It makes my brain melt and my eyeballs explode on contact. It causes me to consider joining a convent in hopes of escaping the sheer horror, but I doubt if becoming a nun would be enough protection from douchiness of this magnitude. Angels will weep and newborn babies will be slapped in the face at the sight of this monstrosity…
Indeed.
If anything, the female ‘bag hunting vote carried the Moobster to his “victory.” And by victory, I mean societal loss.
There will be much debating this Monthly, as all four pics had arguments for their selection. But if your favorite lost out, do not fret. The Hourglass will most certainly be seen again at the Douchies in December, and possibly Squidward and the Mariner as well (a boatbag category perhaps?).
Excellent work to all Cultural Douche Theorists for another excellent round of deconstruction and mock. The lacerating wrongness of the Moobster and his Perky Coed have earned their spot in the Yearly.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008An Uberdouche Named Neil
Around 250 million years ago, during the Paleozoic and Mesozoic Eras, what is present-day New Jersey bordered northern Africa as part of the supercontinent of Pangea.
The pressure of the collision between North America and Africa gave rise to the Appalachian Mountains. Then, around 180 million years ago, Pangea began to break apart, separating the North American continent from the African continent.
Around 18,000 years ago, the Ice Age resulted in glaciers that reached New Jersey. As the glaciers retreated, they left behind Lake Passaic, as well as many rivers, swamps, gorges, and an uberdouche named Neil.
The glacial retreat also resulted in Kimmy, the best friend of Neil’s 19 year old sister, Stephanie. Who is very, very drunk.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008Scrote Turdowitz
From Moses Maimonides to Hermann Cohen to Theodor Herzl to Gershom Scholem to this.
Scrote Turdowitz.
The leader of a multicultural posse of fratwankery and a sexy goy hott into the Promised Land. And by Promised Land, I mean a house party near Hermosa Beach.
Good work, S.T. I’m convinced. You’ve turned me into a Sighonist.
Get it? Sighonist???
Heh… uhm… forget it.
