HCwDB
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Saturday, August 30, 2008
Rallying the Party
Alas, HCwDB’s ‘bag hunters have become divided. Uneasy. Restless.
Perhaps it is my fault for ranting on a politicalbag. But I make no apologies. There are no corners of hottie/douchey spectrum that will not be explored on this site. Nor will there be false “balance.” This is my site, and my ranting goes.
But I do not want regulars who disagree with me to feel frustrated.
So instead, let us rally. Together.
I have a platform I wish to introduce that will bring us back into one cohesive whole. Ready to mock the douche and lust after the boobie hottie suckle thigh.
And it is this guy. And this hott.
Come together. Mock. Lust. And mock some more.
Friday, August 29, 2008Tangled Up in Poo
Okay enough political stuff. Lets all sing some Dylan:
I lived with them on Montague street,
A basement down the stairs,
There were douches in the cafes at night,
And devolution in the air…
Honorary Hot Chick with Douchebag of the Month: McCain/Palin
Not since the Bush/Quayle pairing of 1988 have a douche and a hot chick run for office together.
For crotchety oldbag whining, for telling me to get off his lawn, and for picking a former beauty queen as his #2, John McCain earns this month’s honorary HCwDB of the Month.
Politicalbags aren’t my favorite subject around here, mainly because so few of them actually snag attractive hotties.
Proving the adage that Washington really is Hollywood for ugly people, as well as for conceptually douching it up rather than featuring physical markers of douchebaggery, Politicalbags tend to bore me.
But for today’s idiotic selection, lets give John McCain a hearty douche of the month award. You’ve earned it, old wrinkly guy. Not to mention dumping your first wife for a 24 year old beer heiress. Your history of wonky douchitude is a long and inglorious one, Keating #5.
And yes, Sarah Palin, you are the milfy librarian hott that revs my motorboat even at your advanced age. And while my lust for your sharp librarian looks may be a sexist invalidation of all that you’ve accomplished professionally, I really don’t have to worry. Because you haven’t really accomplished anything professionally.
Friday, August 29, 2008The Boatbag Shuffle
Yeah I’ve been overdoing it with the Boatbags this week. But it’s Labor Day Weekend. If not now, when? If not me, who?
In this lineup of tasty, curvy, slightly milfy hott milkshakes, I’ve dropped in a classic floating boat turd.
Note all the key signifiers:
Mandana + Spikey Hair Fro.
Shoulder Tatt designed by an epileptic rhesus monkey.
It’s Labor Day Weekend. What better way to celebrate the progressive development of standardized work weeks, citizen rights and productive national development, then by choadmocking and boob admiring?
Methinks we do our patriotic duty.
Friday, August 29, 2008Retro Douche: Tommy from The Power Rangers
AE writes in:
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Hey DB1,
I was flipping through the movie channels to other day with some friends and spotted the old Power Rangers movie. We were having a good time and laughing at quite possibly the worst dialogue since Spike Lee thought he could act. Then it hit me. The white ranger Tommy, the one who’s clearly banging Kimberly, is a total douchebag. He’s usually got some kind of bling that was awful even for the 90s, not to mention the slicked back shiny hair. When you look at the hard evidence, you might think he’s a low level ‘bag, but you just can’t ignore that smug little face. He thinks he’s the coolest sh!@t, but the worst thing is that when I was a kid I thought he was the coolest sh!@t too.
Maybe if I’m lucky Kimberly will help me repent my old admiration for a total bag. She can dress up for me any day and the screaming karate is always a plus.
– AE
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Good call, AE. But if we’re doing douches from 1990s children’s TV, my money’s still on that creepy Nordic Himmler baby in the sun from the Teletubbies. There’s no doubt that kid’ll be slicking up his hair and making gang signs for his senior high school photo in 17 years.
Friday, August 29, 2008Friday Haiku
Russian Mob plots sting,
Sue Ellen Smith’s an heiress,
Snag jewelry and boobs.
Classified advert:
Bono bag seeks kinky pair
For infiltration.
— holbrooks douchestershire sauce
Shirley, where’s Laverne?
Squiggy, you let yourself go
Son of Fonzie: douuuuuuche
— i drink your doucheshake
that “70’s Show” cast
out of make up & on drugs
sure look different
— creature
He still hasn’t found
No help from Benny and Joon
What he’s looking for
— jean claude van douche
Thursday, August 28, 2008X-Lax Thinks
X-Lax has a thought: Perhaps Steven Hawking was wrong that dark matter in the outer part of the galaxy is caused by neutrino energy. Perhaps it is instead caused by vodka boobies.
The Cheeks
This reminds me of the time I… actually, no. This reminds me of no times. Or maybe the end times.
Or maybe setting my eyelids on fire.
Thursday, August 28, 2008Reader Mail: Grocery 'Baggin'
Blondie writes in:
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Hey there DB1!
I think I have a new ‘bag qualification: guys who are serious when they hit on cashiers.
I’ve been working as a HyVee cashier for about 2 weeks now and I’ve had a total of 5 guys hit on me to the extent that my manager actually had to come over and tell them to leave.
I’m not dissing on the nonbags who want to flirt a little bit, it makes a mundane day a bit more exciting, but asking for my number, asking if I “have a man”, or if we could hang out later put you in the doucheosphere.
The latest one tonight wasn’t even at my register but at the one behind me, and apparently liked my ass enough to put his arm around my shoulders and ask if I had a boyfriend. I was already in a pissy mood from working an 8 hour shift and was glad when my manager threw him out.
The best part was when my manager came back to ask if I was okay, and I said, “I’m fine, I just wish I had a pocket camera so I could submit this guys pic to hotchickswithdouchebags.com,” and my manager totally cracked up laughing – turns out he’s a huge fan as well! He said next time he’ll try and get the guy on harassment so he can do an “instore mugshot” so I can share the doucheness with you!
Keep on baggin!
xo,
Blondie
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Well observed, Blondie. Stay safe while ringing up the HoHos.
But since you didn’t send a pic with your email, here’s a standard issue hybrid of Rockerbag and Beachbag cuddling a freckly girl next door hott while doing the “White Man’s Overbite.”
Thursday, August 28, 2008Ted's Sneer
Ted isn’t an uberdouche. More like your standard stage-2 Southern Fratscrote.
But between the diamond ear bling, the double necklace and the smug-ass expression that’s a cross between smiling and sneer-mocking us for not being near to the blondie boobie suckle thigh, he’s ‘baggy enough to make the site.
Kristen makes holy spirit guides of the netherworld hump teddy bears like cracked up rhesus monkeys.
