HCwDB
-
Monday, August 18, 2008
Tom's Youth
When Tom is 40, married with three kids, and working as a data entry supervisor at Initech while having lunch at Chotchkie’s, he will look back on his carefree youth with deep longing.
And I will be there.
To tell him he was a pud.
Monday, August 18, 2008Orange Dave
PIC DELETED
Orange Dave knows who he’s voting for in the Weekly. Do you?
Monday, August 18, 2008HCwDB of the Week
Your doughy narrator on all things scrotey/suckle-thigh, the DB1, is very hung over from a weekend carousing with cheap wines, impudent women, tasty Hostess snack cakes, and being chased on one ski by an angry paperboy demanding “two dollars.”
So, on that 80s Cusack reference, here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: O-Prune
O-Prune is the classic ‘bag. A narcissistic sunkist orange, if you will.
This captured moment in time suggests a back-story of “x-treme tanning ™,” extensive manscaping using Gillette Crotch-3 razors, and far too many muscle milk drinks.
Never underestimate the added bonus of the hott with trust fund. As 1/2 of every Hottie/Douchey pic, these two cuties bring their A-game.
While O-Prine brings alien facehugger abs that have more ridges than Charles Bronson’s face in Death Wish IV: Senior Citizens on Patrol
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Scroteboy Slim
Headphone. Tattoo.
Normally I’d downgrage Scroteboy Slim to a stage-1 or stage-2 scrotal offense, since he’s not busting the face nor hand gestures.
But that tatt.
That tatt alone is a stage-4.
Plus that hat combo.
Plus the chest shave. Rank.
I heard some complaints that Paulina Boobiskova wasn’t up to snuff, and I couldn’t disagree more. She is a racoon eyed exotic eastern european weight lifter who could snap my lower spine like a twig during coitus.
For that alone, I’d buy her two thirds of a used Dodge Nissan and a vacation trip to sunny Delaware. Because hey, times are tight.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Hourglass and the Beachbag
For having a body that sends men into military conflict, The Hourglass earns our respect.
And by respect I mean crass, impudent boob lusting which disregards her as a person nor a fellow human and views her solely as a disembodied object of sexualized product.
Which is demeaning.
But understandable.
Because, hey. That body would fire up a 14th Century monastic eunuch named Herbert to compose love sonnets in Latin.
(Dis)honorable mention to Nipsy’s Bitchez and Hardcore Harry, who just missed the cut. Hard Core Harry is likely the famed Jack Scrotington, so may be in consideration for a career body of douchological accomplishment that deserves acknowledgment. Either HoS or a Douchie Award at the Douchies in december.
But them’s your three. Only one may win. And by win, I mean societal loss.
Honor the DB1’s lost weekend by voting, as always, in the comments thread.
Sunday, August 17, 2008Reader Mail: WWE Proto-Douchery
Baron Von Goolo asks:
—-
Dear DB1 –
Much in the way that disparate cultures shares common mythologies – the Hercules/Samson/Gilgamesh stories being an exemplar of this – that are assumed to have a common point of origin, how much blame would you lay at the feet of ubiquitous, jet setting billionaire, Vincent K. McMahon, and his lumbering, idiot juggernaut of a half-brother, the WWE, for the common strains of douchebaggery that are consistent among mall-grade douchebags, clubrats and other 25K millionaires in every culture, all across the globe?
With all the traveling they do, even supposing that The Miz and John Morrison were the only carriers, you’d still achieve an Andromeda Strain degree of ‘baggery within a single ratings sweep, wouldn’t you?
BVG
P.S. Forgive me if you’ve already covered this question in the Douche Modernity section of your book. Even though I do have my own copy near and handy, I’ve yet to read it. I’m what you call a ‘visual learner.’
—-
The Baron brings up an important point about performative douchosity in the realm of the theatrical. There are a number of levels of forgiveness for those who make their living performing as a ‘roided up uberscrote within a staged or performative setting.
Thus, W.W.E. performers earn a nottadouche by the nature of their business. This also applies to some successful rock stars (not including John Mayer).
However not all performers are exempt from douchal categorization. Boy Bands are an automatic stage-4 violation. But there is a road for redemption even for the dreaded Boybag.
Some, like Justin Timberlake, began as a shining ball of douchal plague, and slowly gained a sense of humor and self deprecation enough to earn at least minimal forgiveness. Timberlake’s ESPYs gig was hilarious.
But the road from performative simulation-douche to actual scrote can also be gone down. If you starred in Predator, for example, and your last name isn’t Weathers, Black, Duke, or Stereotypical 1980s Hott Vietnamese Female Victim, you evolved from simu-douche into actual douche.
Yeah, I’m looking at you two, Body and Ahnuld.
Saturday, August 16, 2008Ay Chihuahua!!
Oy.
And if this video wasn’t toxic enough, you know things are bad when even the Stormtroopers are busting hand signs.
Friday, August 15, 2008Friday Ramblings
Another excellent week of hottie/douchey mock, thanks go out to every ‘bag hunter who emailed in pics or just dropped a line to say hi to your stubbly narrator, The DB1.
And here’s your douchiest Craigslist Post of the Month.
The Manchoadian Candidate
Orange Liev Schreiber!! I loved you in that movie. Where you played an orange.
Carly Simon on the left may have big chompers, but pout blonde shows me the Holy Cleavite, and for that I thank her ancestors.
Friday, August 15, 2008Future Shock
Yes, this is the Friday Haiku couple dekissed. And while X-Games Douche isn’t making the hand gestures, his aura remains a cloud of poo. That smells like Axe.
Someday, academic historians will study the media archives of the early 21st Century. And those academic historians will remark to themselves, “Great Gibbley Wibbley! The early 00s certainly were hottie/douchey!”
Then they will drink a cup of hot chicken fat and take off in their waterless levitating hydro-vehicles.
Because that’s what they do in the future. They drive waterless hydro-vehicles. And mock the hott/douche.
Friday, August 15, 2008The Early Bird Special
Somewhere in Boca, in a gated little retirement community, Sylvia, Sidney, Thelma, Hal and Claire are wondering why Lenny is late for the 4:30 dinner reservation.
It’s $12.95 including a side dish, dessert, coffee or tea, and a mint.
You can even surreptitiously take home the Equal packets when the waitress isn’t looking.
But Lenny say, “Screw that.”
Good for you, Lenny.
Friday, August 15, 2008Friday Haiku
Sideboob kisses tool,
Chinese letters read: “Gwai Lo.”
Red vest, Jesus cries.
moto-x douchebag
put down the hott and drive off
go jump grand canyon
— johnny scrotten
Hot Summer Lovin’
He Turns Cap Around ,Kanji Says
Lets Play Stink Finger
— douchenozzle
New X-Games event
for Summer 2008
the Canker Sore Swap
— douchetoevsky
It’s the same concept
as the “blue-blocker” glasses,
Hott wears “Scrote-Shield Shades”
— the douche is alright
how can I haiku
when I am lusting over
Nastia Liukin
— paper or plastic?
