HCwDB
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Thursday, July 31, 2008
Saved by Her Bells
Oh Mr. Belding, you wacky sit-com principal.
Tell Screech the new hairdo ain’t working.
On an unrelated note, The DB1 gets drunk with a writer from Metromix.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008The Hott/Douche Singularity: Samantha Ronson
There’s been a number of emails lately discussing the disturbing topic of Samantha Ronson.
Since I’m not quite sure who she is (I have one theory that she co-starred with Christian Slater in Pump Up the Volume but that may be incorrect), I’m not sure what to add.
I figured I’d turn it over to the forum.
Is Samantha Ronson a next-generation evolutionary step in the merging of the boobie hottie suckle thigh and the steaming uberscrote?
Is she a Brundlefly experiment gone horribly wrong? Like Jamie Lee Curtis before her, does she hold both peepee and hooha?
Wednesday, July 30, 2008Glare of the Emo
Emobags with anime hair are a definite stage-3 violation on the Douchal Hierarchy chart.
Emobags achieve a douche-face with neither kissy lips nor sneer. Their look says, “I don’t bathe because I protest a cruel and inhumane world, and I want to touch your boobies.”
Sultry Suzanne is that perfect mix of Quartasian with ripe, cherubic cheekbones and Mia-Sara-in-Ferris-Bueller hair.
I would sacrifice a confused Balisian rhesus monkey on a makeshift shrine meant to honor Thorax, God of the Inner Ear, just for the chance to summon rain clouds to water her garden petunias after she overslept after taking an extra xanax the previous night.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008Wednesday Limerick
When Betsy Ross knitted a flag for the ‘volution,
She had no clue it’d be a scrote sack solution,
For Disco Ball Peter,
To show off his ant eater,
Made complete our societal devolution.
Mooby Dick
It’s 19th Century Herman Melville by way of late 20th Century techno D.J. recording artist Moby, by way of ‘roidy man boobs.
Really nasty Man Boobs. Moobs.
And a cute hair-scrunch brunette fondling them.
I didn’t think there was a way to follow up the Monthly victory for Droopy McScrote. Yet somehow this feels appropriate.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008Tumnus the Fawn
Just landed on the East Coast for more book-stuff, and while I just missed the Los Angeles earthquake, I sadly did not miss avoiding having to look at Tumnus the Fawn in my in-box.
Yes, this woodland creature from the Scroticles of Chlamydia is actually making make two simultaneously annoying ‘bag hand gestures (#22 and #84), while copping a feel at the Arizona State Cheerleader tryouts.
Let ’em go, Fawn, or I’ll force you to read warmed over creepy Christian subtexted fairytales from the 1950s until you itch.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008Reader Mail: The Ex-Bag
laughing her ass off in vegas sends in an ex:
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DB #1-
when i stumbled upon your website today (amazing by the way)… a picture of an ex came to my mind.
my ex, although not the biggest douche I have ever seen (i live in Vegas, they are a dime a dozen baby!) he definitely meets the criteria… the “cool” ripped jeans… the strange hand gestures… (what is that? a BACKWARDS shocker?) the “i’m too cool to shave” 5 o’clock shadow… too much gel in the hair.. and lets not forget… the button down shirt at a local bar!
but not only does he have the complete DOUCHEBAG look in this pic… his happy little friend in the background has his thick chain, unbuttoned shirt and cheesy smile… and lets face it.. when you see this pic you think “look at these douchbags”.
i mean.. i am no expert… this is my first time on your site…. but i thought i would give it a try.
love,
laughing her ass off in Vegas.
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I dunno, LHAOIV, I’m inclined to give a nottadouche pass and compliment him on the choice quality of the brunette. But I am transfixed by the club. Is that a cross between a dance floor and The Museum of Natural History? Are those lilliputians building condos in the background?
Tuesday, July 29, 2008Caption This Pic
To prove his hunting prowess, Ken showed two Pool Hotts where Ubiquitous Red Cup likes to nest, and Kimmy plucked two for the road.
Reader Mail: Tagging Mystery
Reader Shia Ladouche tags the biggest ‘bag of them all:
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DB1-
I was in Vegas recently, and boy, have I got a bag tag for you. You can’t really tell how hot this chick was (trust that she was the hottie boobie suckle-thigh), but the fact remains that this is true douchebaggery in action.
The ‘bag is the legendary Arch-Douche “Mystery”, actually performing a “magic” trick in a ridiculous fluffy hat in hopes of wooing the lovely blonde hott. This bag tag takes place at the center bar in the Hard Rock cafe.
The funny thing is, when I took this pic, I didn’t even know who Mystery was. I showed the pic to a friend when I got back home and she revealed his identity. I just thought it was the biggest douche I’d ever met! Little did I know it was none other than the Grandmaster ‘Bag himself, leader of the army of pathetic oompa-loompas following his 4 scrotal truths. Imagine my surprise.
Keep on mocking the douche and lusting the hott,
– Shia Ladouche
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Mystery’s fundamental philosophical flaw is in assuming capturing the boobie hottie suckle thigh validates all. The hott does not validate the self. One can achieve a hott without douchal plummet. That is the the triumph over The ‘Bag Within.
Excellent work, S.L. This is one of the highest ‘bag tags possible. It’s like knocking out Mike Tyson in Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008The Double Vulcan
This may be the first time ‘Bag Hand Gesture and Nerd Hand Gesture have merged.
Here we see Braden’s “off-the-hook” pool party at his house while his parents were off recuperating at The Betty Ford Center’s Dry Wasp House for broken down Brahmins.
Braden greased up, busted the bling, and talked two exchange students into stripping down.
But the “Double Vulcan,” Braden? Really?
How do we rectify the Douchal and Nerdal in one singular event? Could Braden be a secret Comicon Attendee?
