HCwDB
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Friday, March 14, 2008
Miami Friday
As I contemplate the manifest cultural violations that patrol the greater Miami area, I can’t help but recall the explorer Ponce De Leon’s first words upon arriving in Florida all those years ago:
Damn, no Fountain of Youth, but there’s gonna be some serious greased up douches wandering through these woods a few centuries from now.
At least that’s the rumor of what Ponce de Leon said. According to his wife, Sally Ann Cavanaugh de Leon. Or perhaps the pastiche of pop culture poo that clogs my brain on a daily basis is confusing me. Stupid childhood HBO. It’s a wonder I learned anything.
So we drift off into another Friday, and I contemplate the simulation and the authentic. Douche in the age of Mechanical Reproduction. Tatted up, inflated spectacles and the cheesecake they acquire as proof of their societal worth.
I contemplate, and sip a PBR that I didn’t refrigerate long enough, so it’s only semi-cold. But it’s PBR.
So it’s all good.
Friday, March 14, 2008Ten Hair Spikes, One Cup
Rare do we see the Holy Trinity of Douchery in action. Each of the three visions that came to Sister Mary Bleethy in the late 1890s in a convent in far off suburban Orange County, all on display in one singular cheezed up form.
The superspiked hair, the chin fungus and rarest of rare, the combo ‘bag hand gesture involving Ubiquitous Red Cup. So give it up to Trinity.
Let go of the OC Slut Hotts? Not by the hairs of his Chinny Chin Chin.
Friday, March 14, 2008Low E.Q.
Fratbags.
I get older.
They stay the same doucheyness.
Friday, March 14, 2008Mimi
And yes, she looks like she’s 16, but she’s 19 and old for her age. She was just born to be bad. And she wants to go out tonight. So lets open up a restaurant in Santa Fe. Lovely Santa Fe would be nice.
Benny Choad is stage-1, borderline ‘bag / not a ‘bag. But he’s got chin scruff and it’s Friday, so I’m going with it.
Friday Haiku
k.d. lang is pissed
she inspired this douchebags looks
hang him by lip ring
— johnny scrotten
Tina from Jersey
Unhappy about her life
Can’t really blame her.
— Mr. White
zesty hott pouts lips
magnet for star finger douche
he can count to three
— ‘bag lanta
Emo fingernail
Too lame to paint all ten now
Punish hott with me
— BleethLVR995
Mom cries and she thinks,
“Where did I go wrong with hott?”
Bad daddy touches.
— “Old ‘Bag Eyes” Frank Scrotnatra
Does Fran Drescher hott
know that Conan O’Brien
is a flaming douche?
— Douche McAllister
Pouty face hott, rocks!
Shocker flashing rooster, not
Someone kill me now.
– Horton hears a douche
Wanker Mail
Wiley’s Friend writes in:
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okay, so keep in mind that my friend wiley is a serial masturbator, but he leaned over to me this morning and confessed: “Dude, I beat it to hotchickswithdouchebags last night. I was just going through all those pictures, and the girls in the leis got to me.” I don’t know if it was a new high or a new low for him.
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I feel dirty.
Thursday, March 13, 2008Socrates 2008
Changin’ with the times, Soc. New stylin’ Chii hat, same old black ‘beater.
Keep on keepin’ on, learned scholar of douche antiquity.
Thursday, March 13, 2008Swifferhead
It’s not that I want to make fun of the model for the official Swiffer Junior Dust Remover ™, which you can get now for three easy payments of just $19.99.
It’s that I have to.
Because this perky Quartindian with the cherubic cheeks calls out to me to read her Rushdie novels by candlelight while massaging her upper neck area with chicken fat and drooling on her boobs like a brain-damaged arthritic Nun.
Thursday, March 13, 2008The 'Bag Vortex
When ‘Bag and ‘Baguette merge, we get what is called the Douche Singularity.
A blazing nuclear pinpoint supernova that rends the fabric of space/time, destroys universes, and drinks Zima.
Thursday, March 13, 2008The Smuggler
Yeah, The Smuggler’s not the worst we’ve seen. More like your rich uncle right after the divorce, but before the liposuction/facelift.
Some argue oldscrotes still in the game deserve props. Others mock the aged ‘bag with the same aplomb they do the ‘bagling. Depends on which side of the Oldbag debate you fall on, I suppose.
Alls I know is I’d flay silk out of luna moths while chanting Aerosmith lyrics with the clicking language of the Bushmen of the Kalahari just for the chance to lick her retarded cousin’s special ed bib after feeding.
Ew. I think I took that one too far.
