HCwDB
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Friday, March 7, 2008
Eraserhead Friday
Eraserhead knows it’s Friday.
Jenny McHott looks lovely. And she even brought her mom.
Yup.
It’s gonna get freaky tonight. I can tell. Like a perturbed woolly mammoth fighting over a Twinkie.
I don’t know what that means. But I like Twinkies.
Friday, March 7, 2008The Superego
I believe it was the father of psychoanalysis himself, Dr. Sigmund Freud, who once remarked: The chin pube douche-smirk is a sign of great turmoil within the subconscious of an utter tool-scrote.
Freud knew what was up.
But not as much as tiny Karen from White Plains, who has the angelic back arch of swans in summertime and boobies pressed against window, making that lovely smushing effect.
Friday, March 7, 2008Eraserhead
When your hair follicles are larger than a ficus plant hopped up on Miracle-Gro it’s time to dedouchify.
I hate it when my ficus plants get all hopped up and go loco. They borrow my car, 50 bucks, then disappear for three days in Tijuana with a stolen credit card and a suitcase full of tequila and blow.
Stupid ficus plants. They need to lay off the Home Depot growth spray.
Oh sweet Jenny. Do not suckle at the cheek of ficus taint. You will only get dirty.
Friday, March 7, 2008Friday Haiku II
(that last pic was too ambiguously tranny, so I’m deleting it and lets Haiku this ‘bagling instead)
Suburban gangsta.
Top button only, so cool.
Sue thinks, “frat rebel.”
he affects this look
studies mirror; adjusts just so
“Look how cool I am.”
— cleopatra
Who you tryin to
get crazy with Esse? Don’t
you know I’m loco?
— pfah
bangs bitches. Re-read.
tough, unchewable steak
bangs bitches. Re-read.
— jonezy
Mandana hides grease
Cannot hide the fact that he
Still lives with parents
— anonymous
southwest slim shady
poses with a hott next door
at the baptist church
— newman’s own balsamic douche
Batman producer
Hired to take this snapshot
Why on an angle?
— ol’ dirty douchebag
He rules his kingdom
The Short Hills Mall parking lot
I got da juice, yo.
— mr. white
Rarely caught on film.
See the rare suburban breed?
Honky nerd cholo.
— douche vader
No Snoop Dogg “G” here
No Sensual Seduction
You are ludicrous
— vacuum cleaner bag
Friday, March 7, 2008'Bagger Green
PIC DELETED
Once again I must invoke the Rule of Clevershirt:
If you need a clever statement on your shirt to prove you have a personality to the ladies, you don’t have a personality.
Thank God Aqua Richard Simmons is in the background, ready to take down Green by Sweatin’ to his Oldies.
Thursday, March 6, 2008Brothabags
Shahbaz writes in about his fellow Brothabags:
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DB1,
I know you steer clear of posting pics of us brothabags, for all the safe reasons, but I think you’d easily be able to post a pic of the newest actor in Hollywood: Sean Combs.
C’mon give it a shot. It’ll be hilarious. And worthy.
— Shahbaz
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While P. Diddy is definitely uberscrote, he’s more the old school douche. But I have gotten a number of email complaints from both the Brothas and Nubian Hotts that I’m not featuring enough Brothabags on the site.
Let me be clear. Unlike Sal’s Famous, there will always be room for Brothabags up on my wall. I just don’t get enough submits of Nubian douchitude to run.
But I hear ya, Shahbaz. Here’s the best I could do. Sadly, it may be a Guido in Orange-face who accidentally ended up looking like a cross between Tupac and C. Thomas Howell in Soul Man.
Oh, the unintended clashing of offensive historical cultural representations within one singular body of wrongness.
But yes, if anyone has any good Brothabag pics, send ’em along.
Douchebaggery, in all its manifestations, must be cataloged. And by cataloged, I mean throwing pixelated spitballs at their oily-ass pictures, then laughing maniacally and wandering off to watch Zapped! on DVD.
Thursday, March 6, 2008The Meatrix
Keanu Pimp’s got that assploding hair, ‘bag hand gesture and wristdana, all certifying him FDA Choice Scrote.
But that doesn’t tell the whole story. The true distortion of reality that allowed him to pull Blonde Real Doll (and her two best friends).
It’s gotta be the power of the Meatrix.
Hang up the phone, 80s Penthouse Hott. This red pill isn’t worth the trip.
Thursday, March 6, 2008Tarzan the Brick?
Is this January’s HCwDB Weekly Winning couple, The Brick? He of the Yellow Spandex, she of the curvy port wine legs?
I can’t tell. He’s in disguise.
And by disguise, I mean has the landing strip chin pubes that is now, officially, the de facto douche facial hair pattern of 2008.
She remains drinkably pure, in perfect segmented soft serve ice cream chocolate dipped goodness. I would sacrifice an Osmond to Ganesh just for the chance to dye her silks for trade on the Italian prosciutto market in Lintz.
Thursday, March 6, 2008Trail Bait
Seriously Trail Baiter, step away from the Sultry Brunette Who Wants to Rub The DB1’s Upper Shoulder Blades with Melted Twix Bars, or as I like to call her, The Twix Rubber Melter.
Because I’m crazy with the ladies and the Twix.
Take your goofy best friend Kyle, who has no game, and even worse, follows you around because he thinks you’re rocking the stylin’ retro Gabe Kaplan look, and follow your own Freedom Trail back to the land of orcs, gnomes and crabs.
Thursday, March 6, 2008HCwDB of the Week: He Just Bangs Bitches and Drinks
Due to yesterday’s traffic spike and subsequent technical fixes, I’m a day late figuring out the Weekly. But let there be no doubt. He Just Bangs Bitches and Drinks and his inebriated girl are landslide victors.
This is one of those rare HCwDB winners in which the hottie/douchey viscerality was far outweighed by the power of the scrote’s writing.
Here’s just a taste of his genius scat poetry:
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first off bitch I aint white..second off I ain’t payin for no sex I rather buy a rolex…I like blondes, tanned bitches, brunettes..meh..yah meh..haters not welcome…gold diggers and stuck up bitches take a hike…I definitely don’t have time for people who don’t got time for me…I’m not down to earth..think of me as a bastard that can only please you sexually…I got mad money but I don’t tell anyone…simply don’t be messing that pleasure business s@#t together know what I mean? Or as camron says “ya dig?”
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You can read the full entries of HJBBaD’s scrotal raps here and here.
As Scrotocaster puts it in the comments thread:
He Just Bangs Bitches And Drinks is not merely a douche. He is a mindset. He is an action. He is what drives us all to fits of rage.
Very true, SC, and well said. To understand this pic, we must journey away from the visceral psychoanalytic effect, what Roland Barthes calls The Punctum, and factor in the words, the text, the pic’s “voice” if you will, of this heaping scrotepile.
The everpresent anonymous sums up the outsider art aesthetic that dominates HJBBaD’s verbiage:
He just bangs bitches and drinks. A thousand monkeys typing for a thousand years couldn’t achieve his literary genius. What else is there to say? BANG ON BRA! (and drink)
Exactly, Anon. clementine of cappadoucha agrees:
There is no contest in this competition. HJBBaD takes it. What would normally be a third-shift stockboy Bag/Not Bag is made a Hall of Scrote contender with his primeval douche-commentary. He is the Stealth Douce. The Douche you don’t see coming … The douche in the night. This chodesniffer may well be Joey P. 2008!
But harry scroter makes the point that we should not let the visuals slip as our primary guide to hott/douche wrongness, and casts a dissenting vote:
this site is HOT Chicks with Douchebags. Any douche can be a douche, but the criteria is to be paired with a hott, not a random.
Look at the Private School Hott. The care she took, her perfection. Look at the stupid red hat, ugly shirt, and gaping black-furred tongue of the dork.
Uphold the principles of this site. Private School Hott for the win.
Strong argument, H.S., but every so often a unique asswipe comes along. HJBBaD is that asswpie.
The Unneccesary Point came in a distant third, with kingcityguruDouche summing up the boobpeal:
I vote for Pointy McBoob as the breast point is one of the secret moves of the douche much like the ancient Ninjas and their “touch of death.”
But it’s HJBBaD all the way. As the following commenters make the argument:
double x douche writes: HJBBAD, because it takes skill to unnerve me to the point of refusing to read more than your first sentence of self-douche proclamation. But, bitches, he ain’t white, and for that, he gets my vote.
douche equis: writes: HJBBAD — proof that douchiness inside, if you’re dumb enough to leave reams of evidence of it on the Internet, is just as telling as douchiness outside.
muddy swirl writes: HJBBAD … yes reread … HJBBAD … reread … many fish in the sea … but one HJBBAD …
evil otto writes: HJBBAD. He is legend.
And the everpresent anonymous sums it all up: A thousand words are worth a picture. HJBBAD all the way.
And so we face an epic HCwDB of the Month on Monday. Four Weekly Winners will enter. Only one can couple can reign supreme.
But for now, lets give HJBBaD and his drunken girl their victory cigars. Repeat… lets give HJBBaD and his drunken girl their victory cigars. Like tough, unchewable steak, they have come out on top.
