HCwDB

    Friday, April 23, 2010

    The Gospel of Bro

    “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the pool party of Gesthemane at the Hard Rock, render onto Caesars Palace what is Caesar’s Palace, and render onto the Blonde what is genetic. And be sure to slip the host a Benjamin.”

    — The Gospel of Bro, 4:20

    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, April 23, 2010

    Sparky Looks Hard

    One of the surest signs of a douchebag is the gangsta glare.

    Here we find Sparky, surrounded on all sides by partying Kappa Kappa Woo girls, and he’s pulling his best Clubber Lang.

    Give it up Sparkster. “Frosted Tips” do not a gangsta make.

    As to Brenda on the left, please don’t mind if I fondle your rhesus monkey. And by fondle your rhesus monkey, I mean fondle your rhesus monkey. No, it’s not a metaphor. C’mere, Mr. Bubbles.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, April 23, 2010

    Friday Haiku

    Tampa Poo Party,

    Bernie’s bro bites butt of hott

    Sunfish on the wall.

    Iowa Staters

    Get deluxe hotel package

    With Pineapple cups

    — Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt

    Butterface stripper

    and Brad make kissy face while

    Paul chows down on crabs.

    — Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche

    Paying by the hour

    For both the room and the hott

    Cheap love at light speed

    — Bagnonymous

    SEC staffers,

    Bored with internet porn, hook

    Up with Fannie Mae

    — Mr. Scrotato Head

    Star of Bleethlehem

    Shines through the window in back

    On manger of Douche.

    — Boatbutter

    pink lycra wrapped herp

    blinded by list, Dave cares not

    Steve makes a barf face

    — Douche Springsteen

    At the Motel 6,

    they’ll keep the light on for ya.

    I prefer it off.

    — Wheezer

    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, April 22, 2010

    Dave and Mitch Hatch a Plan

    Dave: Bro, you know what would be rad?

    Mitch: What’s that, Broheim?

    Dave: If we, like, totally wore the same shirt, only, like, you wear it in black, and I wear it in white!

    Mitch: Bro! We’d be like negatives of each other!

    Dave: Totally. And maybe then Jenna will pose for that pic for your Facebook so the ladies will know that you only roll with the A-List Hotties!

    Mitch: Bro. Totally. That’s what I’ve been telling you! You gotta think outside the box, bro. And then all that mad puss will be yours.

    Dave: I know, right? Hey, don’t forget to make that rocker face for the pic! You look like such a badass when you do that.

    Mitch: Totally. Jenna wants me.

    Dave: You can totally tell.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, April 22, 2010

    Crayon Gary

    Crayon Gary so crazy!! He wears baby toys… around his neck!!

    And if there’s one thing his chest tattoo tells us, it’s this: Time for Tubby bye bye! Time for Tubby bye bye!

    Oh Simona.

    How I would lightly anoint your bottom with fig extract and mosquito resin. And then read to you early Saul Bellow by candlelight, while charming you with ancedotes about my time in the merchant marines. And then humping your warm pillow when you get up to pee.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, April 22, 2010

    Flex Luthor and Jennifer Gear up for Monday

    With their toxic cohabitation of beefy orange guido and sexy coquettish blonde, Flex Luthor and Jennifer, are gearing up for Monday’s HCwDB of the Week.

    First appearing on the site in Power Flex Mode, Luthor’s diabolical plot for World Domination involves Creatine, power bars, and watching MMA matches at “Bob’s Watering Hole” off I-85.

    Definitely the early favorites. But as Jed the Creepy Wankscrote showed, never underestimate the power of Creeper Douche to take down classic Jerz Pud.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, April 22, 2010

    New England Crab Chowder

    Sure, Kevin and Sean O’Scrotey would get their ass kicked in Kenmore for sporting the double douche look while harassing Kevin’s sisters best friend, Morgan.

    But what Kevin and Sean O’Scrotey don’t realize yet is that what happens in Vegas, stays on Facebook.

    And Morgan’s brothahs, Jimmy and Johnny Riley (heirs to the Allston Riley’s Roast Beef fortune), are waiting with baseball bats by Soldier’s Field Road for payback.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, April 22, 2010

    HCwDB on MTV

    For those who haven’t had a chance to check out the only official HCwDB show, with your humble narrator the creator and exec producer, MTV’s “Is She Really Going Out With Him?” is running two mini-marathons today, one on MTV and one on MTV2:

    9:00 AM ET/PT on MTV

    9:30 AM ET/PT on MTV

    10:00 AM ET/PT on MTV

    10:30 AM ET/PT on MTV

    11:00 AM ET/PT on MTV

    11:30 AM ET/PT on MTV

    8:00 PM ET/PT on MTV2

    8:30 PM ET/PT on MTV2

    9:00 PM ET/PT on MTV2

    9:30 PM ET/PT on MTV2

    Help support the show so your humble narrator, the DB1, can get a Season #3.

    That way I don’t have to get a real job. And can upgrade from Night Train to that classy Boone’s Farm stuff.

    There will be many new pretender shows coming out in the future that will try to capture (aka rip off) the HCwDB style. But this is your true home for hottie/douchey mock.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, April 21, 2010

    Melanie and the Suckerfish

    The editors at Harper Collins can’t figure out why their latest children’s book, Melanie and the Suckerfish, hasn’t caught on with the kids yet.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, April 21, 2010

    Militia Max and Carly

    Militia Max demonstrates his military readiness and understanding of the horrors of war the only way he knows how.

    With a $425 dollar designer t-shirt.

    And a gadget watch he saw once in an old episode of “I Spy.” Because that’s how Militia Max rolls.

    Carly thinks Max’s beefy arms are “rad!” and “cute!” She just wishes she hadn’t rolled over that dead sparrow in the VIP room.

    # posted by douchebag1
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