HCwDB
-
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
The Jed Palette Cleanser
Two Jed the Creepy Wankscrote images in a row is simply too much mutantbag for one Wednesday.
So lets cleanse the palette and appreciate that Ubiquitous Red Cup ran the Boston Marathon on Monday.
Or if your palette cleansing veers towards the reflective and introspective rather than the comedic, have some Reflection Pear. If you stare long enough, you will find revelation regarding man’s existential plight. The fruitless pursuit of meaning in a world of unattainable pear.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010Jed The Creepy Wankscrote Says "I Rock!"
To celebrate his victory in the Monthly, Jed the Creepy Wankscrote ditched Penny for her older, punkier sister, Holla, and they decided to rock out with their crocs out.
In a related story, Tim Burton sued Holla’s leg for copyright infringement.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010Jed The Creepy Wankscrote Says “I Rock!”
To celebrate his victory in the Monthly, Jed the Creepy Wankscrote ditched Penny for her older, punkier sister, Holla, and they decided to rock out with their crocs out.
In a related story, Tim Burton sued Holla’s leg for copyright infringement.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010HCwDB of the Month: Jed the Creepy Wankscrote and Penny
I thought the toxicity potency of Freddy Von Gimp and the glorious Brenda would take the prize this week, but the singularity of Jed’s monstrosity mugging the innocence of Penny was too much to ignore.
The voters speak:
Douche Dastardly: It was a difficult decision between Jed and Freddy.
Freddy has all the makings of Stage 3 douche-baggery but Jed is the kind of hunger strike tatted douche monster that is so grotesque that you feel he is not part of the douche lexicon. He is a sort of on the fringe scrote. But what if this is just the first findings of a new variety of douche? Then fellow baghunters we must adapt, For as the douche evolves so must we.
boatbutter: Jed. Even the nightmares of the late, great E. Gary Gygax aren’t as disturbing.
Miss Anonymous: I rarely cast a vote on these, but a monthly has special meaning. And by monthly meaning, I mean that Jed has the negative power to make women’s menstrual cycles go out of whack from their monthly regularity.
Istandouche: Now that Jed’s made it this far, he deserves to be among the candidates for the Yearly.
creature: Jed is the ass you can never wipe properly… he just stays gooey with poo & continues to eat your drawers
douchelips: Jed and Penny however, take it to the next level. He is the creepiest thing I have ever seen on this site. The tats, the ‘Lord of the Rings’ Gollum-esq style, and WTF…are those earrings on him or are his earlobes really stretched out that far!? Penny is purity in braces…is she 14? Is she 19? It’s hard to tell, but the pierced bellybutton says…oh yes, I’m legal. And seeing as how she’s being mugged by the creepiest thing to ever crawl out of the swamp, she gets my vote.
The Last Douchefighter: Jed and Penny, no question. I can’t remember seeing anything on this site nearly that revolting. Seeing it made me want to crawl up inside my own ass and die.
Whoop-di-douche: JED is so, just so SICKO a douchebag, you have to ask yourself, “Did he wash up on our shores from some deep-trench where truly prehistoric, gruesome and still undiscovered species lurk?” Alas, no. Which makes him even MORE gruesome.
Doucheasaurus Rex: If this was the 11PM edition of Douchecenter, we would be saying about Jed, “You cant stop him, you can only hope to contain him and his myriad of STDs.
Charles Nelson Douchely: I’d vote for Jed if he were posing alongside Rosie O’Donnell. He is that scrote-y.
Scotediddilyumptious: It waaantssss ussss to vote for hiisss ppescioussss! Jed and Penny FTW!
Chad Kroeger: Nothing more can be uttered about Jed the reject from Barbie Atlantis that King Poseidon has not spoken to. Penny has the youthful look of Ariel from The Littlest Mermaid and her pale supple skin makes me weep with guilt. There has not been a more unnatural coupling on this site.
Peter Ilyich Doucheovsky: The coupling of Jed and Penny is toxic nuclear waste for ocular cavities. Excuse me while I go Oedipus on myself.
RAPETIME: Jed is what I always dreamed the Morlocks from H.G. Wells’ “The Time Machine” would look like. I’ll bet he can absorb human blood through his fingertips. Penny could pass as one of the Eloi that would comprise his dinner, if we were casting the made-for-TV version of Wells’ novel and didn’t want to spend a lot of money.
Indeed, while Penny’s age is troubling, that may be the point of the pic’s disturbing HCwDB combo. And as we watch Jerz Pudwackery mutate into these new forms of body sculpting primitive tribalist douche, we must be vigilant with our mock. Brenda and Freddie Von Gimp came in a close second, and will likely appear at the 2010 Douchies.
Fatness: Brenda could make me go to church. Freddie could make me commit a deadly sin.
Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche: Freddie and Brenda FTW. Why? Because you know he has every book Barnes and Noble has about picking up “chicks”. He’s read them like they are his religion and he’s finally got his schtick down. Brenda, the poor doe-eyed nymph, doesn’t read and thinks he’s edgy.
Evil_Redheaded_Stepchild: For matching his lip gloss to his faux pocket square–a move surely heralding the future of douchery–I nominate Freddie. As for Brenda, she obviously needs to cuddle with me on my couch in the dark for a film retrospective of David DeCoteau movies, so as to fully inform her hitherto dubious system of standards. And so I can fondle her naughty bits.
Justin: Freddy and Brenda for the win. He makes my blood pressure skyrocket. His style is so cheesy and contrived, with the guyliner and the hair…..ugh. I would so love to punch him. Brenda is near perfection.
uscrascal: freaky freddy and big boobs brenda, ftw!!! any guy that wears makeup and colors their mohawk is auto-bag, grade A douchetastic.
Claude Douchenberg: I am going to have to through up my arm hi and tight waving my hand and vote for Freddie Von Gimp and Brenda. Jed adorns his body for his own self gratification. If a hot falls for it then more power to him. But Freddie is working it, not for his own pleasure but working it to get the hots.
Coming in a solid third and fourth, respectively, were the boobal power of Joey Lipps and the classic Jerzwhack of Antonio and Vanessa, which also features boobal power:
Douches Wild: The only other viable contenders in my smut-addled mind are Joey and Tina. Joey embodies the delusional state of a mega-bag, the blissful state in which you are incapable of considering your own ridiculousness. Tina is a high priestess of the Ethereal Realm of Bazongas, and thus a cosmic law unto herself and all her acolytes groveling in awe and supplicant
bigphatnottadouche: Antonio and Vanessa for the monthly. All I can say is Boobies and bra reveal is good.
end the haberdouchery: Joey Lipps and Tina FTW. Because I still haven’t been able to look away from those beautifully pressed together breasts.
jonezy: it is Joey Lipps. Why? Boobs. Wonderful, motorboatable Mammarellograms.
doucheywallnuts: Meaty McMeaterson, aka Antonio and Vanessa for the win. “Classic Jerz Pudwankery and curvy boob grabbery,” trump the frightening freak show of Creepy Wankscrote and his hideous paramour.
bigphatnottadouche: Antonio and Vanessa for the monthly. All I can say is Boobies and bra reveal is good.
Indeed, and excellent points all. But Jerz Douche seems to have reduced its shock factor these days, as mutant douche overwhelms. Lets let Baleen take us home:
While Freddy has the classic stylings of douche that this site was founded on, we as hatters must not forsake the continually morphing modern moldy mutations that represent the future of scrotewank. Enter Jed. Chum bucket for the ages, chafey gravy, and overall septic discharge from nether orifices. Juxtapose that with Penny who is all baby fat, braces, and ignorant innocence. Unbleethed, we see her just before the Fall- the nexus of mock.
As much as I’d like to forget the image of Jed, I predict he’ll have a stab st the yearly. Jed ftw.
Good work, team. I was surprised, as I thought Freddie and Brenda would win. But the power of freak was too strong to overcome. Jed and Penny for the Yearly. And the DB1 for a bowl Cinnamon Life and a morning HoHo.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010Flex Luthor
Lookout, Superman!!
Flex Luthor’s hatching his diabolical plan for world domination!!
And by Superman, I mean Jennifer.
And by hatching his diabolical plan for world domination, I mean hoping for a drunken boob arm-touch when Jennifer’s getting out her cell phone to call her roommate to come pick her up.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010Where's Waldouche?: Saggypants Edition
Somewhere in this lineup of four absolutely luscious hott popsicle fudge cake dreamland whipped cream boobie fondle, I’ve carefully hidden a saggy pantsed Waldouche about to enter a Tasmanian bordello.
Look closely.
Can you find him?
Tuesday, April 20, 2010Where’s Waldouche?: Saggypants Edition
Somewhere in this lineup of four absolutely luscious hott popsicle fudge cake dreamland whipped cream boobie fondle, I’ve carefully hidden a saggy pantsed Waldouche about to enter a Tasmanian bordello.
Look closely.
Can you find him?
Tuesday, April 20, 2010Stackhouse The Poet Asks All Elder Child Cocks to Listen Up
Stackhouse the Poet responds in the comments threads to his lauding on HCwDB:
—-
Oh god not this sh*t again. Listen up elder child cocks, of a fat, broke, bootleg society that browses the internet like a f*cking soft core porn. I was on FB the year it came out, I was crushing the web at 14, when yall had no clue what cyber space was. Obviously no one here has any clue of modern terminology.
Who-bag means a bitch u banged out who’s name is not worth remembering. For example, yo bro, who did u pound out last night? I don’t know her name, I never cared to ask, hence: who-bag. Who the f*ck watches dr. Sues or whatever it is yall or talking about. My family made me play sports, read books for school, and occupy my time in a constructive manner. Sorry u homos don’t know that who-bags are just skanks good looking dudes trash.
But don’t worry fat old f*cks, I’m not heart broken or depressed. I’m just doing what I do. I vent negatively about her cause I’m a selfish capitalist who doesn’t think any girl should do me wrong, even when I’m out f*cking all her friends, and lieing to her face about everything I say. I’m just bitter that some girls actually think they can oppose me when I’m meticulous ass sh*t with crushing other puss, and lieing with a str8 face. Where do they get off. Its not like I got caught, its not like I didn’t flip every tab. I just think these skanks need to be reformed like the health care bill that was just implemented.
We need slut reform in America. Woman be woman, and skanks be skanks. U can’t blow coke off my dick and act like ur a classy woman. Sorry. I don’t hate on real woman, in fact I avoid them, I know I’m not built for them, they are for the most part good people who deserve good things from relationships. I go for whores, so if ur promoting ur a whore, don’t change the game up mid way. Be u, accept it and move forward in ur life. I’m a dirt bag to most and that’s fine, I’ve accepted that along time ago. But fake bitches need reform, education, and counseling. Get Some
—-
And a few moments later:
—-
Oh and to what ever pussy says they know me on a weight to height to bmi ratio, ur an ass clown. I’m 6ft1 230lbs. I sit at 9% bf 6 months out the year, and 7% the other months. So I’m sorry but look up nfl running backs, anyone, sh*t mike tyson even….I’d tower him. Ur honestly a f*cking idiot when u comment on me saying I’m not big and shredded. If u actually knew that and it was true, ud have to be a bitter ex and they would def. Leave their name all over that comment. Ask ur webmaster to post my pics on here. Ill show u what a small guy like me has to offer with striated pecs, and veins where most humans don’t. Sorry fag f*ck, call me out and ill answer. If u think I’m not legit, than all day ill prove u wrong.
—-
Actually, I believe the Whig Party is running on the Slut Reform platform this year. Using the slogan “Whigga Please.”
Tuesday, April 20, 2010Reader Mail: This sh*t Website Goes Over Well With Bickering 14 Year Olds
youreaslameastheyare offers the HCwDB community some constructive feedback in Sunday’s Frolic video thread:
—-
dudes on this site are surely douchebags, but the chicks aren’t hot; so I don’t really get the name. Anyway, all you dorks who make fun of these guys are just as lame as they are. Why would you want to look at other losers all day, does it make you feel better about yourselves? I could maybe see this sh*t website going over well with bickering 14 year olds, but unfortunately it seems to be mostly young adults commenting & posting. Go do something positive, instead of frustrating yourselves looking at people you obviously don’t like day in & day out.
—-
Interestingly, try as you might to resist the HCwDB formulation, YALATA, embedded in your critique is a qualitative judgment on the Hott side of the equation. Sounds like a small step in the ‘bag hunting direction.
Give in. Join the deconstruction of the hottie/douchey dialectics.
And your journey to the ‘bag hunting side will be complete
Tuesday, April 20, 2010KFC’s New “Scrotal Melt Sandwich”
Loaded with grease, fried chicken and limited job prospects, the new KFC Scrotal Melt Sandwich sure is generating a lot of buzz.
Five slices of fried Vegas choad surrounding a tasty filling of munchable state school boobie burger, the SMS clocks in at 4,300 calories, a two year technical school degree, four cases of hating fathers, and a prescription for Nasonex.
That’s a spicy meatball.
And by meatball, I mean Karen shouldn’t have let them use her credit card for incidentals. U.C. Santa Cruz is a long drive home without gas money.
