HCwDB
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Saturday, October 20, 2007
The Douche Toad
Anyone see my trust fund frat-boy douche toad?
I know I left it around here somewhere.
The business major at State who plays bass in classic rock coverband Sonic Hedgehog on Tuesdays during the Ribs Nibs and Dibs buffet at The Wings Shack? You know the type.
The dude who makes kissy lips and dual ‘bag hand gestures when grabbing two sorority sisters from Puta Kappa Beta Carotina.
I see you, saucy Vanessa Carlton hottie on the left. Oh yes I do. I will compose two chord melodramatic songs and bang on a piano with minimal talent in your honor.
Saturday, October 20, 2007Ass Pimples
Ever get hit in the face with a frying pan, and that cartoon “boing” wobble sound gets made? Me neither. But if I ever got hit in the face with a frying pan, that’s the noise I would expect.
That sort of wobbling saw noise. If I were to linguisticize the sonics, it would go:
ba-yung-yung-yung-yung.
That’s what it feels like staring at these two ridiculous hemorrhoidic ass pimples.
ba-yung-yung-yung-yung.
I know. It’s Saturday. I’m supposed to go light with the pics today. Especially after a run of some pretty choice hottie/douchey couplings over the last week. But hell. I’m about to get on a treadmill and work off last night’s steak, so I need something to piss me off and get me motivated.
These Ass Pimples are like crack for the anger soul. I’m gonna release a workout tape based on this principle. “Sweatin’ to the Douchies.”
I know these clowns have been featured before on the site. Is that The Crustacean, our Monthly Winner and douche-partner of fellow sea faring creature, Fish Slap? Or are they all looking the same at this point? And does that make me a douche-racist?
I can’t tell if Aqua Brunette is true hott, but from what I can tell, she’s workout worthy. White is in that awkward mid 20s stage between college and “young soccer mom.” Don’t buy the SUV just yet, Future Soccer Mom. First ditch the Ass Pimples and come have a drink with The DB1.
I promise to offer you cheap wine out of a corkless bottle and served in a plastic cup. Hey, it may not be much, but at least I’m not those ass pimples.
Saturday, October 20, 2007Sneaky Businessman From Indiana
I don’t know what you’re up to, Sneaky Businessman From Indiana.
But it’s trouble.
Is he ‘bag? Perhaps not, although the two-tone Regis Philbin shirt-and-tie color scheme makes my crotch itch flare.
But each of these pouty hotts needs my attention. And by attention, I mean deep philosophical interest in their well being. And by deep philosophical interest in their well being, I mean spanking them lightly with a Connect Four until adorable shades of the lightest pink rise up and sing sonnets from “Godspell.”
Friday, October 19, 2007Vaudeville Joke #178
Q: Excuse me Miss, but what’s that douchebag doing in your Jacuzzi?
A: The ‘bag stroke.
Friday, October 19, 2007Ferrigno 'Bag
One of the subcategories of ‘bag that is usually found in the greater Vegas area is the Ferrigno ‘Bag.
This is a douche-pud caught in mid morph between everyday Bruce Banner and The Metro Gender Confused Hulk. Somewhere in the nethers between the two states.
And by nethers, I mean nads.
Note Ferrigno Tool’s Mark of the ‘Bag on the forehead. The distinct shine that resembles schlong-n-balls. The spiritual marking of “Choad” is undeniable.
Angelic ski-slope-nose hottie has the perfect tiny chin of boobal perfection. I would share my teka maki, rainbow roll and Pino Grigio with her at Crazy Fish until she started complaining about how her father never loved her and her agent only sends her out for Skinimax “tastefully topless” acting roles.
Then I would pay the bill, drive her home, and hit on her roommate.
Friday, October 19, 2007Ask DB1
j writes in:
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DB1,
I have been wondering, if a super bag and a bleethed-out chica procreate, do they automatically pass along the greico virus to their offspring- is it coded in their DNA? Or does the offspring still have a chance to emancipate him (her) self and join society as a normal, decent person?
Yours truly,
j in Dallas (p.s Dallas is a very under appreciated bag breeding ground)
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This is an excellent question, j in Dallas, and I would disagree that Dallas is underappreciated for its scrotal breeding grounds. Dallas is in the Top 6 Origination locations of Douche Virus outbreak (the others being Chicago, Las Vegas, Miami, Orange County and New Jersey).
But to answer your question, due to the less than twenty year manifestation of the modern Douche Virus and douche/hott commingling, there really aren’t enough test cases to examine next-generation douchal offspring.
Hence it is entirely possible that a child product of choad and Bleeth could indeed end up surviving well past infancy without any collar popping to speak of.
However, parents do reinforce patterns of behavior, and by behavior I mean chest shaving, so if the parents are douche-parents, the children are more likely to follow in their scrotey footsteps. But it is not guaranteed.
Next Generation ‘baggery still needs to play out. But I will be observing. And by observing, I mean mocking.
Friday, October 19, 2007The Official "Time To Get Drunk, It's Friday" Pic
I…
The…
Kafka…
It…
Mmm… strawberries.
Friday, October 19, 2007Friday Haiku
Birdy tatt flies… flies…
Upon douchechoad’s chest, it lands.
Tiki God angry.
Totem god please help
rid us of horrid tat bag
Chomp in two with teeth.
— spinnaker chick
Inked choad puffs menthol
as cross and dog tag collide
baby Jesus weeps
— xander dingleberries
Why’s Charlie Sheen’s head
Mounted on a shaved greyhound?
Whippet, whippet good.
— darksock
Key ring on belt loop?
Island vacation in jeans?
Janitor back home
— ed
sunglasses indoors
automaticly makes choad
fully apparent
-Conducheous
Thursday, October 18, 2007Oompa Prompa, Oompity Prom
Yes, the Prompas are back to riddle us with the following question, delivered in choreographed song form:
Oompa, Prompa, Oompity Dom.
We may be orange, but what did you look like at your prom?
It’s true. I had the early 90s blow dried single length hair thing working. And a paisley cumberbun.
But still.
Ladies, you are lovely.
Gentlemen, you are still orange.
Thursday, October 18, 2007Tony With the Car Dealership
Yes. You won the lottery, Tony with the Car Dealership lot on Route 9 near Framingham. You know it. I know it. The only one who doesn’t know it is Sunny Perky Hott.
You light those candles of thanks the next time you’re at church, Tony With the Car Dealership on Route 9 near Framingham.
Because her body is divine. Her face is angelic. And you’ve got shoulder pads the size of Wisconsin.
