HCwDB
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Saturday, June 23, 2007
The Mirror Stage
Here’s my theory. Plaid Hottie who looks like a hispanic Mena Suvari is actually standing behind an angled mirror which is only picking up the reflection of one of these two choadbags.
But which one is real? Which one is simply the reflection of porn star landing strip facial pubes, 10 degree hat and the douche-face?
And more to the point, if I go fishing with Plaid Hottie’s fishnet top, would I catch two saline jelly-fish as plump and succulent as hers are?
Friday, June 22, 2007Porschenheit 9-11
As your narrator, The DB1, sits and contemplates the conundrum of the beautiful girl with oranges picked from the douche-tree, the unholy visage of JoeyPorsche comes to me yet again.
I gaze at this pic, and the spectacle of tall club chairs, Long Island scrote and late teen hotness vexes me. How does the 18 year old orange spikey haired choadbag wankdouche form? Is it vegetable? Animal? Mineral? And why does feral hotness go there to feast?
As the Grieco Virus progresses on its rampage of cultural douchosity, should we quarantine? Is there immunization? And do hotties like it when I nuzzle their shoes like a baby panda when they’re not looking?
These are the questions we must ask ourselves. These are the manifestations we must comprehend and confront with every hottie/douchey picture that comes our way.
As you head into your Friday nights, toast a ubiquitous red cup of the ‘Train to another week of examination, contemplation, revelation and douche-nation confrontation. Toast your cup to JoeyPorsche. For he has forced you to confront that deepest, douchiest part of our collective cultural douchosity. And in so doing, JoeyPorsche offers you revelation.
Friday, June 22, 2007Friday Limerick
There once were two douches at the Hard Rock,
With scrotey sunglasses and faux hawk,
They ‘Bag sandwiched a dumpling,
with hopes for a humping,
But she doesn’t commingle with livestock.
College
col·lege
–noun
1. an institution of higher learning, esp. one providing a general or liberal arts education rather than technical or professional training. Compare university.
2. a constituent unit of a university, furnishing courses of instruction in the liberal arts and sciences, usually leading to a bachelor’s degree.
3. an institution for vocational, technical, or professional instruction, as in medicine, pharmacy, agriculture, or music, often a part of a university.
4. an endowed, self-governing association of scholars incorporated within a university, as at the universities of Oxford and Cambridge in England.
5. A place where pudgy fratchoads can get drunk and act like utter and complete buffoons and still pull hot 18 year old hotties.
Friday, June 22, 2007Smug McChoadwanker
There’s nothing overwhelmingly douchey about Smug McChoadwanker here except the bizarre facial pubes. That beard has a thinner character arc than Johnny Drama on Entourage. It evokes the dusty soil and barren harvest of a winter crop in the 1500s that killed dozens of Pilgrims.
Pout Hottie is a little too skinny for my tastes, which means I would pause for at least two milliseconds before jumping into her laundry bin and sniffing her used bobby socks while she called my therapist and asked if my medication had been changed.
Friday, June 22, 2007Friday Haiku
Muscle-T Alba,
Don’t look now but, douche-head is
growing like a weed
Milky white milk glands
Time to wean this utter choad
Receding hairline
— danny bonnadouchey
Loving those hip-bones
Attractive exotic girl
do the judo throw
— anonymous
Is it cold in here?
The Blister will just get worse
if you keep scratching.
-D’Ouchetagnan the Doucheketeer
Pucker/scowl combo
Need to make a hand gesture
You snapped too fast!
— Frodo Douchebaggins
Friday, June 22, 2007Hans Choad
Watching Hans Choad double headlock these two pieces of key lime pie is like a sharp kick to the groin.
No. It’s worse.
It’s like dipping my scrotundae in hot chilipepper wax.
Thursday, June 21, 2007The Bottle
When did douchebags in clubs holding annoying giant bottles of vodka while making the douche-face begin to incur the wrath of angry and jealous gods?
Is this photoshop? Or have the Lords of Kobol simply had enough of smirking greased up BottleBags?
Look at that face. Sandy Cohen from The O.C., a pint of forehead grease, a dab of Dooshay by Calvin Klein, and mix it all douche-blender. No wonder the cylons are pissed.
As to the milfy hottie, she looks like when I was back in 5th grade and Sam’s mother used to bake me cookies while I would stare at her cleavage. Ah, those first awkward sexual awakenings mixed with the smells of Tollhouse in the oven. Good times.
Run, hottie!! BottleBag’s about to get fraked.
Thursday, June 21, 2007SunDouche
It’s like staring directly into a bright summer sun with dilated eyes. If that sun were a spikey haired douchebag with Hasselhoff chin.
I stare, and I can’t look away. It is destructive, damaging, horrifying, yet transfixing. I feel the dancing sparkles of decaying vision as my cones and rods are fried by the radiation, yet I can’t tear my eyes from the spectacle.
Make it stop… someone make it stop…
Thursday, June 21, 2007No More "Confusion"
EmoBag, from yesterday’s “Confusion” pic, writes in:
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Please, remove the following photo/ commentary. The people featured in this image (Myself and my friends) are professionals and don’t appreciate the
publicity… Although it was pretty funny…
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Yeah but professional what? And then this email came in, 10 minutes after the first:
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This pic is me. Please remove it.
Geez… How long does the picture take-down process take???
Thanks a billion!
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Look at Mega Man here, EmoBag. Learn from Mega Man. You don’t see him complaining.
You do, however, see me complaining. That he exists.
