HCwDB
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Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Fandouchego
Speaking of autodouche, combo mandana and 10 Degree Hat Tilt?
Fandouchuous.
Helen Hunt may be an unconventional cutie, but she still makes me want to cut out my liver and feed it to snails just for the chance to fact-check her autobiography.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007Club Wank
I have nothing much to add to this pic of standard issue trendy club wankedness except to say I would spread mulch on her toes and wait for hottie flowers to grow.
And that’s a really big jug. The bottle is big, too.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007The Buzzcockbag
There needs to be a clarification on whether the mohawk is auto-douche without exception. As a fan of punk, I’d be loathe to dismiss the haircut as solely the province of the choadmunchers of American male performative douchebaggery. Yet at the same time, this ain’t 1977. Sid Vicious is dead, Henry Rollins is on IFC and Steve Jones hosts a radio show here in L.A. (which is great).
Ruling: Punk is dead. Mohawk is autodouche.
You can thank The Prodigy’s insipid corporate punk douchitude in the mid 1990s for that.
As to hottie? Never mind the douchebag, she’s a sex pistol. And that joke alone means I deserve to get my teeth kicked in in the back alley by thugs in bomber jackets and Doc Martins.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007Jean Claude van Douche
Jean Claude van Douche wanted to come by and remind you to scroll down and vote in the HCwDB of the Week contest if you haven’t already.
And just beboobies there are distractions like boobies, does not mean boobies your boobies when you anticipate the beboobtion with boobies while recovering from the spreading boobies on your boobies. Boobies.
Monday, June 11, 2007Booger
Whew. That ‘Baggle Royale was intense. I’m pleased to see that the victor was arbitrary cut to black.
But enough Sopranos jokes. In honor of the great character actor Curtis Armstrong, star of Revenge of the Nerds, Better Off Dead and Risky Business, I present this heaping serving of fried choad as a sacrifice on the altar of ‘Bag/Hot spewedness.
So here’s to you, Booger. You made monster egg-nog out of lighter fluid. You introduced the Omega Mus to wonder joints. You taught Joel Goodson how to become a pimp. You held your own in the 1980s against Tom Cruise, John Cusack and, well, the Alpha Betas.
For that, I honor you in the only way I can.
By mocking a skeezed up douchebag and the hottie unfortunate enough to cohabitate within his personal space for at least 1/30th of a second. In this pic, hottie appears to like undead zombie oatmeal face on a stage-1 FratBag. Weep for her, Curtis.
Monday, June 11, 2007Entering the Douche Ring: Cro Bagnon
Bob look who’s storming towards the ring!!
It’s Old No. 7 itself, Cro Bagnon, coming to settle this ‘Baggle Royale once and for all!!
Monday, June 11, 2007HenryHyundai
Holy crap, Bob, is that?… it is! It’s HenryHyundai!
And he looks pissed, Bob. Looks like this thing’s about to get out of control…
Monday, June 11, 2007TommyMazda
TommyMazda says, “Two can play at that game, ya digggggg?”
I would pour Jamaican rum on Jack Bauer’s daughter blondie’s abs and top it off with a butterscotch sundae.
Monday, June 11, 2007JoeyPorsche
And while you’re mulling your HCwDB vote, here’s a pic from the Zen Transcendence of JoeyPorsche to inspire you.
You can almost see the Grieco Virus jump from douche-lips to douche-lips. ‘Bag, ‘Bag, ‘Bag, Bleethed out Hottie. Very sad.
Joey, Joey, Joey. I try to keep all my pics anonymous, but how do I not feature your greatness on this site?
I humbly bow down to one of the few sourche-douches out there. You transcend, my friend. And your blonde teenage cupcake is perfection.
EDIT: In what may be a first here at HCwDB, the JoeyPorsche experience inspired a reader to create a Tribute Pic in his douchey honor. Let the JoeyPorsche tributes commence, send me your best work and I’ll post it on the site. And I’m putting his MySpace directly into the Hall of Scrote. No need for the Weekly for an Ur-Douche that rivals the Holy Grieco Itself.
Monday, June 11, 2007HCwDB of the Week
Welcome back, fellow journeyers on the dark exploration of a mass culture gone Douche. I’ve spent the weekend meditating on the ‘Bag genius that is JoeyPorsche. I’ve focused on the pain of plucked eyebrows as a test of my psyche. And by Sunday I had achieved a state of what I like to call Zen Porsche. In other words, I digggggggg.
So while it should be time for the HCwDB Monthly, I’m making an executive decision and bumping The Prompa directly to the Hall of Scrote. There’s just no way mere mortal hottie/douchey combos can compete with that genius. And by genius, I mean orange chocolate stirring short guys who sing rhythmic chants to teach young children important lessons.
Secondly, I’m itching to line up last week’s top pics while they’re still fresh in everyone’s mind. Fresh, of course, meaning rage inducing, psychosis triggering, moldy peaches of “How in holy ass smelling New Jersey is she with him?” wrongness.
Finally, I’m promoting the Prompa to honor the fact Tony Soprano got whacked and America didn’t seem to be able to figure it out. We’ll bump the Monthly to next Monday, in which one of these three fine cuts of quality ‘Bag/Hott will take on the previous three Weekly winners. So without further ado, do ya digggggg? Here are your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Creeper
With an alien space slug tongue from a 1980s horror film, The Creeper does a good job making me feel, well, extremely dirty.
On the rage scale, his quasi-Japanese hair pullback, earrings, classic teenage puka shell necklace which not only screams douuuuuuche like JoeyPorsche on a three day bender, but an OldBag desperately trying to hang on to a long faded youth, all make this pic transcendently douchey.
It ain’t 1982, bub. The tongue piercing makes you ‘Bag, OldBag and uberBag all in one scrotey stroke. Yeech.
Patsy Kensit Perfection only makes the whole thing worse. Holy sweet Vishnu, someone tell me right after this pic was taken, we arbitrarily cut to black. Oh wait, no moving imagery here. Just this searing electroshock to my scrotate forever.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Blister
The Blister is an important test case in this week’s contest as it’s one of the rare HCwDB pics that features an overpoweringly juicyfruit hottie with your standard issue run of the mill choad with kung-fu grip.
Well, he does have a pretty fantstically douchey soul patch porn-star pube fungus growing. And
She is overbite perfection.
I would discuss Ayn Rand with easily swayed 15 year olds for an hour over tea if it meant I could wash her used and sweaty rayon shirt with a toothbrush.
She is a perfect ripe peach. Two of them. But can she carry his mediocre averageosity douchitude across the finish line?
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Circus Clown
There comes a time in every ‘Bag Hunter’s life when he’s forced to stare down the muzzle of an enriched uber-wank.
That moment is now.
‘Bag Hand Gesture #30, the douche-face, and two rather gnaw-worthy cuties elevate this pic as a worthy finalist.
The pic is ruined only by one of the bit players from My Name is Earl wandering into the photo and blocking the mass appreciation of firm jello butt greatness.
But it is still all good, and by good I mean hottie/douchey. A slice of scroted out Americana at its worst.
God damn, now that’s a Weekly. The Creeper, The Blister and The Circus Clown. Sounds like my ex-girlfriend. Yeah, I’m looking at you, Nicole. Just because he was better looking, taller, thinner, had more teeth, bathed more frequently, had things like a “job” and “integrity” and “stamina.” Other than that, what did he have over me?
Oh right. He wasn’t caught locked in your closet fondling your high heels with crisco at two in the morning.
Wait, am I still typing all of this? ahem
Vote for your winner, as always, in the comments thread.
