HCwDB
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Wednesday, April 18, 2007
HCwDB of the Week: Ab Lobster
A total landslide victory for this rapidly rising pic in the hottie/douchey pantheon. Granted the competition was more ‘bagling than ‘bag, but the victory is oompa-loompa goodness nonetheless.
i bling keys in on the determining factor of this scrote’s signification of ‘baggery:
Pointing to his abs, people. Pointing. To. His. Abs.
Yup. It really don’t get douchier than that. goofydouche concurs:
Tough call between Douchsplosion and Lobster. Hair-boy’s purple-clad hottie has a waist you could wrap your hands around with thumbtips and fingertips touching.
But Lobster has his own finger on the scale. Is he pointing at himself, or at Miss Darkroots? I vote self. Lobster rocks, in a bubbly buttered skin-sauce of his own excretion.
Mistress Julie sums it up, dominatrix style:
Gladly casting my vote for #3. This guy makes my blood boil and by boil I mean I would like to throw him in a pot of boiling water on my stovetop and listen to him scream in pain as his oompa loompa tan and scrote smirk melted off..
Die lobster boy. Die.
I love that Mistress Julie channeled the oompa loompas prior to their appearance on the site. Nice bit o’ clairvoyance there, cutie. And russel brings in the always enjoyable octagon reference:
the lobster. in an octagon of douche, he would claw through the hair of his two outclassed opponents and force a double douche tap out. they are like lions in mane only. but he, he is the lobster!
I think Ab Lobster may have found himself an identity outside of just “club douche.” On second thought, no. “Club Douche” will always be his first, second and third identity.
Great comments in the comments thread, once again. The Lobster is our first entry for next month’s HCwDB of the Month smackdown, where he will compete to join Pumpy and whomever wins the current contest. Which is my roundabout way of saying, get yer vote in.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007Here's What Hottie Was Texting
I guess now we know what Hottie was texting:
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um yah i got a problem with you posting my face on your page with one of my friends… its rude for one and its just immature.. dont people have better things to do then to make fun of other people like honestly… anyways i want my face down.. im in your WHat is she textin picture… and im not sure but i have legal rights of that picture because i took it and your using it.. so im pretty sure you could get in s@#% for that… and might wanna be careful on what pictures you use for your little “hate” blog thank you…
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I like to think of my blog as more hilarious mocking than actual hate, but regardless, the pic is gone. Another classic lost to the ether.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007Fatal Douchetraction
Glenn Close has hit hard times since starring in “Fatal Attraction” twenty years ago. Here she is hitting on an all American tasty side order of onion rings hottie. Dammit, Glenn, what happened?
Oh wait. Glenn Close appears to actually be “Glenn Close ‘Bag,” one of the variety of androgyny douches haunting the clubs with their whole “I’m asexual and unthreatening, so come back to my place and we’ll listen to James Blunt together while drinking Moet before I jump on you.”
Someone needs to zip up that aqua blue jumper just a bit tighter, cutting off circulation to Cruella De Ville’s windpipe.
Onion rings hottie, I would dip you in hot sauce and enjoy you with a tasty can or three of Schlitz.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007Peeps
Blue Popped Peeps here is struggling with his HCwDB of the Month vote. Indiana Scrote and Cowlick impress him with Eurodouche foreign exoticism, but the Douche Platoon personify everything he aspires to be. And what about Rooster Wank? Total Punk Rock. If Punk Rock meant douche.
As to how Peeps got his name, I haven’t seen that much goo since I microwaved two dozen Easter Peeps when I was twelve.
Stupid marshmallow birds. That’s what you get for being so delectable.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007HCwDB of the Month: Ultimate 'Bagging Championship
A reader just alerted me to how overdue we are for a monthly contest. So since the Weekly appears to be a runaway for Ab Lobster (although voting is still open), lets get to the good stuff.
The monthly Douche Off.
Last month’s triumphant douche champion: The legendary Pumpy.
This month?
That’s up to you, my fine ‘bag hunting friend. Think long and hard, and I don’t mean that as a euphemism for your crotch. Choose wisely. Weigh the pros and cons of each pic. And by pros I mean fun bags. And by cons I mean douchebags. But you knew that already.
Here are your four choice cuts of scrote and their beautiful young hotties who know not what they do. Judge them, lest they judge you.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Indiana Scrote and the Temple of Blonde
What more can I say about this juicy pic of creepy EuroBag wrongness and a fantastic cut of fine brie cheese?
Not much.
Except that I would love her under a Tuscan sun.
I would woo her with spirits and delicate Turkish flowers.
I would hump her kneecap like a rhesus monkey on Red Bull.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Rooster Wank
A genius pic on a number of scrotey levels. The literal — douche-hair to an extreme depth of douchebaggery. Note the shaved alien landing signs above the ears.
Hotness — One of the finest legends to ever grace the douched out halls of HCwDB, the Holy Blue Triangle herself.
Mini Jesus bling and popped collar goodness. The mark of any truly superior ‘bag, and by superior, I mean inferior.
The Cleavite — Textbook definition. Two crystalline arcs of pale skin revealed for our head spinning intoxication.
Together, these two make shredded ass.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Douche Platoon
The perfect cross-section sampling of modern scrote.
What should I label these four choads? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. ‘Bag, ‘Bag, ‘Bag, ‘Bag.
And one hottie milkbone in the middle for the four to salivate all over. It’s almost enough to want to firebomb Miami, Dresden-in-’44 style.
mmm… bellybutton ab peanut butter and jelly goodness.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: The Cowlicker
A perfect example of the greased up Kevin Bacon richboy wank, drooling all over a cheekbony slice of high class cheesecake. I’m not talking that frozen cheesecake you get at kids birthday partys. I’m talking top shelf. Waldorf Astoria level cheesecake. Lindy’s in the mid 1960s in Manhattan quality.
While Cowlick may not sport many of the classic ‘bag elements the other pics have, do not underestimate the sliming tongue and the anger scale.
Let the rage boil within. Can you taste it? Good! I knew you could.
Allow that to influence your vote at all times.
So there it is folks.
Your four finalists.
I don’t envy you your task.
This is no easy decision. Take your time. Voting will be open for the next two days. Think long and hard. And by long and hard, I mean my crotch. Which has this horrible rash on it. That’s the last time I hump a kneecap like a shrieking rhesus monkey on Red Bull.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Monday, April 16, 2007Purg Hottie On the Prowl
I’m a little disappointed Purg Hottie #1 didn’t find more love on the site last week. The DB1 would toss her in an inflated swimming pool filled with Guinness, then bury his head between her shoulder blades and make soft whimpering noises until that frosty Irish brew lost its carbonation.
What is clear, besides her mercury boiling hotness, is her ability to attract rogue choad like a tractor beam.
Witness exhibit A. Choad.
It’s almost enough to drive the DB1 to drink heavily. Oh wait, correct that, it actually is enough.
So come on. Give up the love for the Hotness caught in a way-station between Heaven and Hell like some bad Keanu sci-fi flick. Purg Hottie needs your collective love. What would you do for six hours straight just for the opportunity to dry clean her sweatshirts?
Monday, April 16, 2007What is Hottie Texting?
PIC DELETED
Okay kids, time to play another round of everyone’s favorite guessing game, What is Hottie Texting?
I’ll start it off:
OMGLOLZ!! ROFLCOPTER!! Dchbg thnks he’s funy. U shld c his shrt, its like 2 sizes 2 sml. Plz get me out of here!!!!!1111. Does Nietzsche really argue that personal ascension exists outside of preexisting societal frameworks?… My plaid scarf chafes…
Monday, April 16, 2007Man Boobs
I’m not quite sure what confluence of events led Man Boobs to the sorry state we find him in today. Pectoral confusion in high school? Or just an unhealthy obsession with Ringo Starr in 1981’s “Caveman”?
Either way, he is a strangely confounding ‘bag. A disturbing mix of a number of confusing factors. It’s hard to place him within the larger douchebag context.
I’ll say this though, Man Boobs has coordinated nicely with his zebra print girlfriend to create a unique ‘bag duality here at HCwDB. A DB featuring more cleavage, and sadly more cleavite, than his HC.
I’m confused, startled, and vaguely terrified. Man Boobs’s vacant stare. His goatee and scrub brush hairstyle. His zebraic shirt. Thank God 50s Record Shirt guy is in the background to restore at least a semblance of regular douchebaggery to this disturbing pic.
Monday, April 16, 2007Slappy
Okay, so the HCwDB of the week features some lesser scrotes this week. In the meantime, check out Slappy. Nothing says “stud” like middle aged silk shirt wearing uber-choads featuring the ultra stylin’ “unbuttoned and flared” shirt cuff look.
Blonde on the right has that prim and proper legal analyst by day, candle-wax dripping rubber dress wearing ass kicker by night dichotomy. She would tie me up with black licorice and spank me with an inflatable penguin until I called her “Xena, Warrior Princess of My Ass.”
Oh right. Like you’ve never be spanked with an inflatable penguin before. Or been told to call someone, Xena, Warrior Princess of Your Ass. Yeah, right. Nice try, penguin fetish freak.
Monday, April 16, 2007HCwDB of the Week: Hair
This week’s choice cuts of douche-meat and the hotties who find solace in their greasy charms has a nicely dated douche-hair motif going on. So, like the ensemble cast of the Broadway hit musical Hair, from Treat Williams and Beverly D’Angelo, we’re going to bust out in spontaneous song, dance around on a stage naked, and represent the counterculture through clever Broadway choreography. Lettttt the douche shinee…. letttt the douche shine in…
Now remember.
The key to a HCwDB vote is to clear your mind from all distractions. If you’re at work, I expect you to do no work for the next two hours while you contemplate your vote. Zen yourself. Breathe in. Let your gaze fall upon each of these three wankoffs and the hotties who love them. Factor in the scrote. Factor in the gel. Factor in the hotness. Let your emotions swirl like a Lohan prescription drug cocktail. Hatred, depression, arousal, hope, exhilaration, crotch itch, all must enter the mind only through that most primal place of emotive discourse — the subconscious.
From there you will feel yourself pulled to one of the three pics more than the other two. Do not doubt your impulses. Let your conscious mind begin to process the decision. And cast your vote proudly.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Hair Magnon
A douche celeb for the teen crowd, Hair Magnon knows the proper way to go hair-douche. Full speed ahead.
Sure he doesn’t feature any of the other signs of classic ‘baggery. No hand gestures. Relatively benign expression.
But that hair. And that smug grin. And of course that sexy cutie with the fantastic smile.
Together, they make purple.
Also, is that the hint of a puka shell necklace peeking out? I really shouldn’t make too much fun of the puka shells. I, like every other ‘bag on here, have owned a puka shell necklace in my past.
Of course it was back when I was high school scrote. So I take that back. Lets rag on the coral snake signifier of ‘bag accessory.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Douchsplosion
Another relatively benign looking wannabe rocker scroad, but with utterly fantastic douche-fro.
There’s a certain point where I begin to respect a ‘bag for busting hair to such a nuclear extent. And by respect I mean increased mocking.
The hairless chest and bizarre almost masturbatory gripping of the beer bottle round out Douchesplosion’s argument for HCwDBotW honors.
And the hotness of both of these 20 year old Arizona State level cuties enhances the inverted ‘bag sandwich appeal of the pic, and don’t hurt neither.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Ab Lobster
Okay, Ab Lobster isn’t like the other two in featuring the cactii hair. Instead he’s absolutely abhorrent.
Featuring the amulet that saved Bastian in The Neverending Story, Ab Lobster is a cross between an uber-guido Jersey douche and a 1980s children’s film. I don’t know whether to throw him out of the club or help him find a giant talking muppet.
There was some discussion of sexy blonde’s potential pregnancy in the comments thread. I don’t see it, I think it’s just an awkward position, but either way I’d read her Cervantes by candlelight while fondling her middle toes in extremely awkward and creepy ways.
Okay folks, them’s the candidates. Definitely a less fantastic class than last week, but what are ya gonna do. Some great submissions came in over the weekend, so gear up for a heavy week of hottie/scrotey analysis.
And cast your vote for this week’s contest, as always, in the comments thread.
