HCwDB
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Thursday, April 12, 2007
The Lizard 'Bag
Okay, that last guy kicked my ass, so I need some reptile spew to make fun of. This mutant choad is exactly what the doctor ordered. And by doctor I mean pink tube top overflowing with cleavite goodness.
He is The Lizard ‘Bag. Feed him insects. If you pull off his tail, it will regrow. Either way, I can mock his pink shirted douchebaggery, his classic ‘bag headbutt, and at least some semblance to my world paradigm has been restored. The proper HCwDB balance, in all its wrongness, somehow reassures me. Unlike the previous non ‘bag’s score. At least I can rage against this desert creature. He may not be the douchiest fish in the toolbox, but it’s enough for now.
Thursday, April 12, 2007The Unknown 'Bag
There are no real signs of outward douchebaggery anywhere. But those chicks are so teeth meltingly hot, I’d triple back-flip into a giant swimming pool filled with marbles if one of their shoes were buried at the bottom.
God damn it. I don’t care. He’s a douchebag. Because… because well he just is.
Okay, I’m off to dig up some real ‘baggery. But in the meantime, enjoy the hotness commingling with this stage-1 choad-bar.
Now if you need me, I’ll be whimpering in the corner.
Thursday, April 12, 2007Sgt. Douchebag's Lonely Tongue Club Band
What would you do if I douched out of tune?
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Lend me your tongue and I’ll slime you a lot,
And I’ll try not to douche out of key.
Oh, I get by with a little help from my scrote,
Yeah I get high with a little help from my scrote,
Yeah, gonna try with a little help from my scrotteeeee…
'Bag / Not a 'Bag
With hint of a 10 degree hat tilt sprouting from his hipster Yankee cap and various Biblic scripture on his jacket, I’m inclined to stamp him a solid stage 1/2 ‘Bag Tweener type. But before I render such pronouncement from afar, I figured I’d give Choady one final chance.
If the ‘bag hunters in the comments thread refuse to render the thumbs down verdict (Bag Hand Gesture #04), then I will… uhm… well, not call him a douchebag. Yeah, that’s about it. Well, it beats getting run over by a tractor. So render your judgement in the comments thread and we will reach collective up/down doucheyness as to the state of this wannabe’s spew.
Aryan Blonde Uma Thurman Hottie demonstrates yet again why God invented sheer and clingy fabric. Although her hand does look strangely alien. But I’ll forgive the hand if she’ll let me darn her socks by candle-light while humming the Ride of the Valkyries and drooling on her boobs.
Thursday, April 12, 2007Purgatory
If they do cheap vodka shots in HCwDB Purgatory while they’re sorting the wheat from the chaff, this would be what it would look like. And by wheat and chaff, I mean hot chicks and douchebags. Figured you got that, but I like to make sure.
Three (three and a half?) absolutely fantastic snowballs of ice cream strawberry goodness topped off with dark haired chocolate love, and two very douchey douchebags.
It’s not enough that 85 Degree Hat Tilt sports the combo early 80s Billy Idol jacket meets Rusty Wallace in the final lap of the Indy 500, or even that he’s apparently got a snake wrapping around his neck. But to add in Flip, the choady stage-2 turdbag who drinks like he’s just figured out how to use his arm in an ambulatory way, and the dual ‘bag 1-2 punch makes me want to gnaw on an electric power line until everything goes dark.
The two hotties in the middle are Doug E. Fresh hot. They’re the frozen chicken chunks of my frozen TV dinner. I reserve the central compartment for their hottie charms. I won’t even eat the peach cobbler dessert or the combo carrots+peas vegetable compartment until I’m done savoring their microwaved delights.
Mmm… frozen chicken chunks.
Thursday, April 12, 2007Hail Scrotsar!
Friends, Romans, Countrymen… lend me your douchebags.
No More K-Scrote
Woo Hottie #1 writes in:
Alright..enough.
I am the girl on the far left in the picture that you posted with the four girls and the two guys on the beach and I would appreciate it if you take both of those pictures down now. That picture was taken on my camera and I DO NOT appreciate you using it for people to bash on your creepy website. I do not give you permission to post my picture (as well as my friend’s pictures) across the internet for creeps to stare at. I think that your website is absolutely ridiculous (not humorous in anyway) and I feel bad that you have that much time on your hands. Take the picture down period.
Thank you.
——-
Well, at least she said thank you.
I waffled on whether it had to come down, since usually it’s the ‘bag writing in and since K-Scrote apparently had no problem being featured in all his muscley pumpedness, but I gotta respect the Woo Hotties. And so we weep for a great HCwDB pic lost to the ether.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007The Puka Bra
The Puka Bra. For those moments when a simply puka shell necklace won’t be enough to scream choad.
The Douchetron
People often ask me, DB1, what happens when the Grieco Virus reaches a terminal hybrid state of combo hottie/douchey infection? When the Bleeth has passed the point of no return?
Ah, I say.
Ah.
You seek the mystical Double Bag-Head. Few have glimpsed this state of spiritual hybridity, of dual douche enmeshment and entwinement. HCwDB couples who reach this terminal state of ‘baggery are far beyond redemption. They have fused into one nuclear proton/electron state known as the douchetron. And by “douchetron” I do not mean an early 80s Disney movie featuring Jeff Bridges trapped inside a digital New Jersey.
I mean the moment at which the HC and DB fuse to create a black hole of douchitude. A singularity of wrongness. Witness exhibit A, featured here. Then avert your eyes. For the douchetron is not a sight to be stared at for any length of time without deep psychological and socioeconomic ramifications.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007HCwDB of the Week: The Cowlicker
Fantastic discussion, dissection, debate and other words inspired by the letter “D” in the comments thread this week. But then, these were three HCwDBotW Award Winning candidates. But in the end the perfect curvy hotness of this toothy beauty and the bovine that’s licking her face were too much to overcome.
As bag em dano puts it:
Cowlick – This guy single handedly has irritated my acid reflux and manages to take douchery in a whole new direction. First off, if you’re going to use the Tan-in-a-can; don’t forget to do your hands.
If you insist on tweezing your eyebrows, try not to have them look like a 17-year-old Puerto Rican girl’s eyebrows. Do you have enough wax in your hair? Did you think there would be a blackout and might need a candle? This guy has so much wax in the hair it looks gray and on close examination you will see it is collecting lint.
The tongue….lets back up and zoom in. Do you see what I see? This douchebag has yellow teeth; now imagine the foul odor and germs he is depositing on her face. Ugh.
Nice smackdown bag ’em dano, and I was always a big fan of the show you draw your moniker inspiration from, “Douchenet.” Crankyprof concurred, chiming in with an eloquent haiku:
My vote: the Cowlick.
Greasy, lank, disgusting ‘bag.
Fetch me a crowbar.
Poetic. But both the Newlybags and the legend that is K-Scrote also found their share of admirers. And by admirers I mean Detroit baseball fans. douchey_dutchman makes the case for K-Scrote:
My vote has to go to Kevin McScrote.
The oil… the facial expression… the loyal Woo’s mounting a futile, bleethed-out attempt at defending the scrote using poorly formed sentences ending in prepositions… This contains all the ingredients of a douche-a-colada.
Indeed, Mortimer. Indeed. the arch douche agrees:
#3’s days of Bleething young girls are over. I know it, you know it, he knows it, and most importantly the hotties know it.
And as satisfying as drowning #1 would be, 2 more would spring up in his place. One would get the arm band; the other would get the fake diamond ear-ring. No, he is hydra of douchbags.
The win has to go to #3. It’s our duty to remove him, lest he gets that close to any other girls that hot (It think it’s the top button I am willing to pop off as soon as cowlick is gone) ever again. He won’t stop at her – we have to end it now. Hell, I’d go down without the scuba gear for that scrote.
The excellent verbal smackdown assassin baron von goolo lays into the pumped up Miami superstar with precision:
While Cowlick definitely has the highest db:hc dissonance ratio, McScrote just has too many other undeniable factors going for him. The hat tilt, the Elvis shades, that come hither Liza Minelli pout, the obvious age gap between him and the pulsating Pyramid of Bleeth before him. Note the way his overdeveloped pectorals and trapezius have entirely consumed his neck: perhaps in lieu of a flight response, McScrote can withdraw his head like a turtle, serving well to hide his bald spot when no baseball cap can be found. And that posture, asking us all to BEHOLD! like a feudal srotelord surveying his livestock. Nay! Not as a lord – as a GOD! McScrote is a Zeus of Douche, appearing before a writhing pile of Letas as a swan. An oily, Vanilla Ice of a swan, old enough to be their dad.
Wasn’t “Zeus of Douche” a late 70s Ted Nugent album? Regardless, excellent work BvG. Newlybags also received some excellent attention from jladouche, and by attention I mean purple lips:
If you wanna go for sleaze, Cowlick’s yer guy. But being a douchebag and being a sleazoid are only overlapping circles, my friend. NewlyBags combines the essentials – a certain flagrant idiocy, an armband, a boy-band pout, and WWF muscles exposed for maximum effect. Oh, and the Jersey grease that broadcasts its smell over digital miles. And the luscious, all-too hidden boobs.
But chozun sums up this week’s struggle between these three hottie/pukey inspired pics, as he reluctantly casts in with The Cowlick for the win.
#2: Let me think… Faux-Euro douche and milfy blondie with the gorgeous and her ever-so-tempting cleavite that I have seen ever. This pic infuriates me like no other. I want to punch the guy out right as he starts to stick out his tongue. Then I become sad at the stage 3 bleeth infection of the hottie and I weep openly. To think of the love we could have had…
Sigh.
Vote goes to #2 Cowlick.
It was a tough, epic battle this week. Props to the triumphant douche dissection and dissemination in the comments thread, everyone brought their A Game once to again. Next week (or two weeks?) will feature an fantastic monthly smackdown for the crown of HCwDB of the Month. But until then, good work everyone. Lets drag The Cowlick to the bottom of the ocean on our next scuba dive, swim back to the boat, pop open a PBR and feast on some lesser pics as our chaser.
Good work everyone.
