HCwDB
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Monday, March 12, 2007
Grilled Cheese is a Douche Awesome
Well I took the pic down as per Grilled’s request, but can anyone figure out what this email means?
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POSTED MARCH 9, TITLED GRILLED CHEESE. TAKE IT DOWN. IM A DOUCHE AWESOME
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Pez Head
In 1952 PEZ wanted to expand their sales so they set their sights on the U.S.A., to make their product more appealing to Americans. They placed heads on the dispensers and marketed it for children.
In 1973 PEZ built their U.S. plant that is located in Orange, Ct. In 1983, Mr. Scott McWhinnie became “PEZident” of PEZ here in the U.S. In 1990 the size of the plant was doubled. It operates 24 hours a day. In 1987 feet were added to the base of the dispenser. To date PEZ has made about 300 different dispensers.
In 2007, a giant steaming choad impersonated a pez dispenser while proudly proclaiming his douchebaggery for all to see. No comment yet on if PEZ Inc. plans to sue for defamation of trademark.
Art Bag
Remember those high school “art” ‘bags? The “too cool to care” crowd who always seemed to pull cheerleaders without the slightest effort? Or course the appearance of lack of effort was their effort. They were like anti-bag douche. And like anti-matter, they punched holes in the space/time continuum.
That’s Art here.
Drifts into the club like a toked out stoner Tommy Chong. Busts the anti-‘bag aesthetic, only to douche out in so many subtle ways. Anti-‘bags are still ‘bags, let there be no doubt. They simply invert the scrote, and douche from within.
I would love Rene Zellweger Twins while playing legendary punk-rock band “Bad Brains” at full volume and using body lotions illegal in most western countries. I would then repose with a cup of earl grey and the latest issue of Harper’s Weekly whilst my stamina recovered.
Saturday, March 10, 2007Rooster Wank
Cock-a-doodle-douche!
Dread Pirate Doucheberts
Once again there is no chance in Holy Grieco I’m going to let you slip off on a Friday night without one more spew worthy pic of liver calcifying wrongness.
Dread Pirate Doucheberts is everything Eurobag greasy. He’s got the Seinfeld Puffy Shirt. He’s got bling, including the rare four fingered uberscrote. He’s got douche-face.
And he’s ‘bag headbutting a confused, somewhat feral looking cutie, with a perfect half-sphere globe poking out from that bizarre Mayan sun-dress.
Punch the screen. It will feel better.
Saturday, March 10, 2007Retro Douche: The Dice Man Doucheth
Andrew ‘Dice’ Clay has always been a troubling nexus point in our douche time-line. Originally created as an ironic character commentary on the late 50s greaser loser douche, the Diceman somehow bought into his own hype and became actual douche.
I’m not sure where the transition point was. But from a mid 1980s performance art satire a la Pee Wee Herman, to rock star arena entrances in 1991, the Dice Man definitely douchethed.
But it’s hard to rip on Andy Silverstein too much. The dude is over the hill and pimping his own irrelevance in some new reality show, so I almost feel bad for the guy.
Still, there can be no doubt that back in the dawn of douchitude, Holy Grieco Year 1 (1990), The Diceman was a part of that emerging aesthetic of scrote in its infancy. We must factor in this comedy angle on the blinged up, loud, greasy phenomenon that began in the early 1990s and blossomed like a raddish turd into maturity in the past few years. So for that, lets raise The Dice Man into our celebrity hall. And by celebrity, I mean Baio.
Friday, March 9, 2007Blaine Bag
I can’t tell if she’s hot for hip-hop David Blaine Bag or hoping he’ll freeze himself in a block of ice.
A note to all the hotties reading this right now: black lace undergarment with green silky slip that’s barely there? Bonus points. Serious bonus points. And by bonus points I mean mmmm.
I would crest the salt flats of Madagascar for the chance to fell a tree boa in her honor.
Friday, March 9, 2007Friday Haiku
Donkey, pray tell me,
How can my soul recover,
Post douche perfection?
Orange puckered clay,
too many carrots? odd hue
Wascally douche bag
— DuckDuckDouche
Thy scowl sinks ships
While your lady sends thousands
Homer would be proud
— Pandora
Time at gym paid off
Chest is larger than her’s, but
How do lips lift weights?
— the alpha douche
Liquid embarrassment
Squirting on my Izod
Collar flip with gratitude
— ultra doosh extravaganza
Friday, March 9, 2007The Return of Grinny McCheesy
Grinny McCheesy, master cockblocksman who ruined my Thursday night last week, is still at at. Turns out he’s a friend of a friend, and by friend I mean poo.
Our mutual friend, and by friend I mean turd, sent me this pic of Grinny swarming a gaggle of cute last night and alerts me that the swath of douchitude the McCheese is cutting across Los Angeles is rapidly becoming legendary.
For my fellow Los Angeles denizens I’m putting out an Amber Douchelert. Be on the lookout for a tall, gangly stringbean who interrupts hottie talk by crashing into the conversation and spilling his vodka and soda on your jacket. Key signs that you are in the presence of McCheese include observing the rapid spread of douche virus, and the vague scent of burning wormwood.
Anyone to acquire evidence of Grinny caught in the act of spreading his douchitude gets a free HCwD t-shirt. Send all pic evidence, and by evidence I mean spew, to me, DB1.
Beware the McCheesy. For he is scrote.
Thursday, March 8, 2007Sid Bag Loves You
PIC DELETED
Siddharta Bag just wanted to let you know that from his place of enlightenment, he loves you.
He asks that you worship his oily forehead and spikey frosted hair, while admiring his dimpled Leno chin and casually unbuttoned tuxedo shirt that says, “Formal with a Grunge Tip.”
Sid has spoken. Sid loves you.
Do you love him?
